Rising,

Start signaling now so that you are committed to changing lanes and getting him off of your tail. It is not just important to actually change lanes, but to signal first - to let him know that you won't stand for having him around. I'm two lanes over on the same highway and I think I see him too. If you change lanes and drive next to me, we can block him off completely .

If that was too cryptic here is another version: We are in this together, Rising. And YH isn't strong enough to take us both down if we walk through this as a team. Let me know how you are doing. PM!

I didn't understand the second half of that.  The thing about...  nah I'm just kidding, but I should let you know that cryptic is very often the language of choice for me.

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( Tears of Joy! What a week it has been!! A new life!  I have a new family and what wonderful members they all are.  (so this is what it feels like to be adopted!! ) 

      As my progression into the world of lust continued I started to treat it as a normal part of my life, the way it would remain until about two years ago.  Every day I would look forward to the time that I spent with myself.  As I wasn't a very popular(understatement) guy, this time alone provided the lift for me throughout my years in High School.  I eventually found out how to hide my tracks on a computer and realized you can't. At that point it became normal for me to go to the local P*** store and spend hours there.  I would relish the time I spent there and would even bring back magazines to my house which I would hide rather cleverly as was necessary.  I would keep a DVD player nearby and would always have DVD's on hand.  At one point I even had some pictures in my wallet that would be with me wherever I went.  After nearly two years of this going on , on a daily basis, I turned 18.  How wonderful!!  Proudly holding my ID I marched into a club of tumah and proceeded to spend the next few hours there.  That was on a Wednesday night.  The next day I was extremely tired and lo and behold my mother wanted to know why. So I told that I had been up late listening to a game, blah blah blah.  She didn't go for it.  So I decided that the next time I could go back was that Friday night.  Once again I went to this place of tumah and decided to spend some extra money while I was there.  What happened next still stands out in mind clear before my eyes (and I wish only the words remain, but unfortunately the image does too).  As one of the devils maidservants was speaking to me she says "you're too nice of a guy, YOU MUST BE JEWISH".  Yeah that was weird, especially with my yarmulke in my pocket.  It still stands out in my mind that right after I heard that I actually thought about what I was doing.  Unfortunately it did not make any changes to me on that day and I don't wonder why.  Throughout the rest of the year I never went back to this place again, but that was because I felt guilty about being Mechalel Shabbos.  I guess the words that I heard hit home on the level of Shabbos but not the other thing that may have been a little wrong.  The rest of the year that year was interesting as it was the first time that I really started to build up an interaction with girls and thankfully it never surfaced to anything. 

To Be Continued...


I want to wish everybody a wonderful Shabbos and may you all eat good Cholint!!!!!

:D ;D > :o 8) ??? : :-[ :-X :-\ :-* :'( 
[Post day 7 23-Shvat/Jan-28]

I had a great chulent! Your story sounds exactly like the story of R' Elazar ben Durdaya (Avodah Zarah 17a). Now all that is left is to cry to Hashem like he did and ask for forgiveness... and we will call you Rebbe.

I have made it to week #2!!!  Shabbos was not easy, especially since I was by myself for most of the time.  I managed to occupy myself with reading the biography on Rabbi Moshe Sherer (Rosenblum, 2009).  I must say that when I originally joined GYE I had looked forward to seeing people comment on my own progress.  However, recently in the past couple of days, I have started to take more and more interest in the success of others also. This has been a great motivator for me since I do not have to rely upon myself as much for inspiration.  If I see someone else overcome a difficult situation I gain much satisfaction knowing that the same people that helped him through the tough times are right here for me. 

Yes, dovekbashem it does sound a little similiar to rav elazar ben durdaya; although he crossed rivers and mountains to get there, whereas I had to wait for the light to turn green a couple of times.  And I didn't die of doing teshuvah, since I didn't really do teshuvah (although much later in my story there will come a point where another similarity to the story of rav elazar ben durdaya does occur, specifically to this point). 

I look forward to a week of success, one in which we greet the month of Adar.  I will work towards my next goal.  This week I have decided to establish a set of partners and a sponsor, in order to accompany me down this long and arduous journey.

I must also add that my davening has taken on a whole new meaning.  For many years I have asked Hashem for forgiveness of my sins concerning lustful activities.  About two years ago I read the Orchos Tzadikim who states in Sha'ar Charotoh that one who commits a sin and asks forgiveness from a king, and than goes out that very same day and commits the sin once again, will stir the wrath of the king.  The Orchos Tzadikim says that since the first step of teshuvah is to have Charotoh one must have sincere Charotoh which can only be defined as not intentionally committing the sin again.  For the past two years this has bothered me. Every time I asked for forgiveness I felt that I was stirring the wrath (rogez) of Hashem.  Ever since I have joined GYE, this feeling has gone completely.  Knowing full well what I am trying to accomplish, I have begun to daven more earnestly, in the fervent hopes that my Tefilos are more appealing to Hashem ( I know that he has accepted them all along, just now they come in a nicer wrapping).

Wishing a wonderful blessed week to all!!!
[Post day 8 25-Shvat/Jan-30]

I can not lie and therefore I must say that today was a pretty uneventful day for me.  Although, I sorely wish that I could post the details of my day, however, I would sincerely compromise my anonymity if I were to do so.  In any event, I persevered through another day.  I'm sure that the Y"H is waiting in the wings, waiting for even the slightest lapse on my part, or lull in my schedule.  I will not allow him to succeed with his plans.  He can try and plan all he wants, but I say in every Tefillah; "v'chol hachoshivm alay ra'ah, miheirah hafer atzosom vkalkel machashavtum."  Hashem is on my side and will always protect me. 
I thank everybody that is assisting me!!
[Post day 9 26-Shvat/Jan-31]

I have to tell everyone the truth.  The Y"H is really bearing down upon me.  I almost had a slip today when a pop-up had extremely inappropriate pictures.  Luckily, I threw my hands up in front of my face so that I wouldn't even see any triggering pictures (although 1-2 did not go unnoticed). I must tell you that I am dealing with two huge situations right now.  One of them is this situation that is for this forum.  The other situation is not related although it may be just as big.  On an interesting note:  I am dealing with each of these two situations with two separate Rabbeim.  Neither one is aware of the other situation and they are both exhorting me to put more effort into dealing with the situation (that they are aware of) at hand.  I think that this is the reason that the Y"H is ratcheting up the pressure.  Also the Y"H is pulling one of his tricks that he has pulled on me in the past out of the bag.  I have been having a hard time the past few nights going to sleep without the concern that I may have a wet dream.  In the past, if I did not fall for approx. 2 weeks, I would have a wet dream.  This is probably caused by my bodies losing control as I spend more and more energy during the daytime attempting to control it. Yes, I know that I am not at fault if it occurs without me being able to control it.  However, in the past the Y"H has used this as a weapon by saying to me that I wasn't really clean anymore, I had fallen, etc. etc.  I am nervous in regard to this aspect and I am looking for some guidance in this matter.  I am also being presented with more opportunities to fall later in this week and I'm going to need some hisorirus.  These are not opportunities which will go away physically.  Rather they must be removed mentally.

[Day 10 27-Shvat/Feb-1]

There is a lot of valuable information in the Wet Dreams thread. It may be worthwhile to read through the whole thread.

        Baruch Hashem and thanks to everyone for the replies that I received concerning my inquiry on yesterdays post.  I feel that the information that I received was very helpful for me.  It allowed me to understand how the situation that I am experiencing really should be affecting me.  I am proud to say that I have begun to say more tehillim before I go to sleep and I feel that it does have an impact.  Today was the day that I had been concerned I would be tested a test to hard to pass.  Baruch Hashem when the time came, I absolutely refused to allow myself to go where I should not and thereby I passed this test.  I am very happy as it was a concern for me that I had been nervous about for well over a month.  On the other hand, I, as always, must continue to look out for where the Y"H may be lurking.  I must also add that I have begun a daily goal of PM'ing at least one or two people in order to help myself build up contacts.  This I feel is the stepping stone for which I can build upon.
        In order for me to pass through this weekend, which is coming up shortly and will present me with too many opportunities, I must set a goal that will restrict me based upon whether I can complete the following task.  The task is, as you may have guessed, to stay completely clean throughout the weekend.  The goal is to set up a phone contact list on Sunday night and Monday that will become my go-to list of partners.  This I feel is such a huge step that it will allow me to conquer my Y"H for the weekend. 

If you feel that you can help me out with this and would be available,  I would love to have you on my list.  Please PM me, as the more people that I have to look forward to, the more inspiration I will get.

On another note, it seems that the other situation that I am having trouble with is working itself out to a small degree, which in its case is a major improvement.  Just thought you may be interested.  [Post Day 11 28-Shvat/Feb-2]

OK.  I made through an interesting day today.  At one point I started to do something which at times in the past, led me down a slippery slope (and no, I'm not talking about walking around outside).  It did take me a few minutes to realize  since it isn't at all a trigger, rather a step in the wrong direction.  Thankfully I realized soon enough and got up and removed myself from the activity immediately.  Today was a good day overall, with good learning and work getting done.

On a different note I have a question for all the drinkers out there.  I have seen that Woodford Reserve is the official drink of the website and as such I have decided that I will give a bottle of it as a gift to the person that showed me to GYE.  My question is, and I know that the regular edition is Kosher; Does anyone know if the Masters Collection that they put out is kosher as well, and if so can you please source the Kashrus for me (if possible)?  Thanks!!

Tomorrow night starts the weekend and I am bracing for the test as much as I possibly can.  Much of this includes being lazy yesterday, today and tomorrow when it comes to my college work, so that I will NEED to do the work over the weekend, being that it is due come Monday.  This I have to say has been extremely difficult for me (being lazy) and I may not make through all of tomorrow.  ;D JK.  But on a serious note, I am looking forward, albeit warily, to passing a major test.  This would benefit me greatly, as it would strengthen my confidence that this website has helped me so much.

[Post Day 12 29-Shvat/Feb-3]

im not alone wrote on 04 Feb 2011 02:59:



This is the single most inspiring thing that I have ever heard in my life.  After reading this, I said a tefilah to Hashem for my gratitude to him for giving me the ability to help others and in turn myself.  I have no more to say then this.  Thank You Hashem.

Tonight and throughout the next 3 days will be the hardest test for me as of yet.  The inspiration that I have received leading up to this point has been tremendous and I am forever grateful for it.  Today I once again fought off any attempts by the Y"H to cause me to slip as he tried to push me around.  This came in the form of a website that represented itself as a certain thing that I needed to find out about, yet was in reality something different.  Although the website itself wasn't at all eligible to be called a slip, it did contain slip-triggers and I closed it the moment that I realized this.  I am also proud to say that this streak is now my longest in over 6 months and as such I am very excited.  Tomorrow I will post more of my story.
[Post Day 13 30-Shvat/Feb-4]

I'm still going strong.  I'm looking towards a wonderful and restful Shabbos.  I wish the same to everyone here.  Reflecting upon my second week will be the focus on my post Motzei Shabbos,  as well as an additional post that will continue my story.  Until then, Have a Wonderful Shabbos!!!!!!!

Rising,

We are all following your success. We all wish you the best because every day that you stay clean, you encourage us to stay one more day clean as well.

Be in touch if you need me... G-d knows I can use your chizuk as well. Hatzlocha.

That was a much needed call-out.  Thank you!!  I'll tell you what the current situation is.  The test that I have been going through over the course of the last 4 days is so extremely difficult since the main aspect of the test is that I am alone with the same access to the internet (albeit through a good filter, I have almost never failed to find a new way around it in the past) that I always have.  I have been extremely depressed for the last few days as I have no true outlets (watching an entire season of HardKnocks in a single night is NOT an outlet, although it did save me last night) with which to take time off with (mainly because outside is an ice skating rink for all those with skates or without, even if you don't want to go ice skating you still get to go ice skating(on your backside)).  I am unable to write, because I am so downtrodden.  I have not fallen. Each moment that I am still here by myself is very lonely.  I would love to write up all the things that I want to, but I just don't have the drive to (you could see how much I enjoy writing just by how long this post is, even though I'm depressed right now).  I really do appreciate that, dovekbashem. 
I'm going to try and allow myself to stay upbeat until at least tomorrow. Like we say: ODAAT. 
[Post Day 16 3-Adar 1/Feb 7]