I am a yeshiva guy who is extremely smart and comes from a very prestigious family.  When I was 11 years old I discovered through the touching of my body, what masturbation is.  After about two years of strictly masturbation, I discovered what pornography is.  I started to look at it on almost a weekly basis.  I had to sneak a great deal more than the average person in order to be able access this type of material, yet at that age I never thought about the negative consequences of my actions.  Throughout the years I progressed to understand more and more about how to access this type of material.  At one point my father found out what I had been doing through someone else who chose to never reveal himself to me and instead told my father about it so he could speak to me about it.  When my father told me that he knew that I had been doing these actions he told me how he understood what sort of temptations I was having and told me that I must stop doing these things for the sake of my neshamah.  As one could imagine this did not stop me from continuing to access this material and I resorted to staying up entire nights for the opportunity to access this stuff.    I even started to be mechalel Shabbos to access pornography without the fear of being caught by anyone.
          At this point I am going to hold off on the rest of my story and interject with why I am posting my story.  At this point (many thousands of so far unwritten words later) I am trying to break free.  I have discovered this site and am committing myself to break free.  I would like to set my goal for 90 days (as I write these words I can literally feel energy surging through my fingers and onto the screen before me) which would set the mark for the fifth day of Pesach.  The Bnei Yisroel crossed the Yam Suf on the seventh day, I would love to do the same this year!!
      I know that I need an incentive of sorts to help me through this and as such I have decide to continually add more to my story as I progress through these 90 days.  I ask that you comment and give encouragement to me as each day passes, so that I can know that I am opening up and have someone whom is empathizing with my struggles.  The story will only get worse as will the difficulty of progressing through the 90 days.  I will also post daily or update for each day if I will be unable to access this site for any period of time. [Post Day 1 18-Shvat/Jan-23]

You have a hard yet beautiful road ahead of you. For me as a sex and internet addict the only way that I can stay sober is by working the 12-Step Program as it laid out in the big Boog of AA and the white book of SA. There is a great resource via a daily phone meeting which would be a great intro into the recovery and help you work those steps. Aleh Utzlach!!!

I am in my low 30's and have also succumbed to internet and sex addiction for many years. For me as well, there was nothing that would help me to achieve sobriety until I found and started to work the SA program including a sponsor and working the steps. For more about this pm me and I can give you the information.

RisingUp wrote on 23 Jan 2011 04:31:


Rising up, welcome.  As "worse" as your story will get, I assure you that there are plenty here that have been there done that.  Your are not alone in this struggle and everyone here, understands your struggle. 

The advice that I give you for today is that "90 days" is a great goal, but the way to 90 days, is to take one day at a time and the way to your own "Krias Yam Suf" is to recognize that the struggle is not over once you reach 90 days.  Otherwise like too many that have been here and made that mistake you'll be back before the egel hazahav and it will take less than three months from Kriyas Yam Suf to get there.  This has been a life-long struggle for you and sustained sobriety is a life-long struggle as well.  But that's okay because the constant working on yourself is what's the goal, not perfection.

I wish you much Hatzlacha and hope to see you around.

This is just an update.  I am going strong as of now.  I went through the day feeling a certain sense of accomplishment from what I have started.  I thank all those that are here to help me along in this journey.  I have also started a 90 day chart which should B"H post on the board in 2 more days.  [Post Day 2 19-Shvat/Jan-24]

Rising,

Hatzlocha on this journey. I have started this journey in the past and have had my ups and downs. I am 6 days in to a new clean streak and I want us to do this together. I am rooting for you and you inspire us with every successful day clean.

PM me if you want to be in touch. I am always open to talk. I am always here for you.

Hatzlocha

I just experienced the Y"H attempting to unravel my efforts and I destroyed him this time!!!!  Being that I am in yeshiva, I receive my mail at a person who lives near my yeshiva.  At some point, since my billing address is tied to my credit card, I started to receive shmuts mail at this address (more on this later on in my story when I get up to it).  Last year I thought that I had contacted this phone s** company and told them to stop sending this address any junk mail.  Well, I did not receive any mail of that kind anymore for the past six months until today.  Inexplicably when I went to their house to look to see if I had any mail today, and I was all alone, I saw that I had received mail from them.  I do not know why I am back on their mailing list, since I last had anything to do with them more than six months ago.  However the Y"H has his ways and I guess he tried to undo my progression as soon as I started to defeat him in ANY way.  I saw the letter, recognized it, and due to the my commitment made just a short 2 days ago on GYE, I quickly threw it (more like buried it) into the bottom of the garbage, and got out of their house.  This was just a small victory, but I am going to use it as way of keeping the Y"H in my sights and not allowing him to sneak up on me.  THANK YOU ALL THOSE WHO HAVE SO FAR COMMENTED, IT WAS YOU WHO MADE THE DIFFERANCE THIS TIME!!!!!!!!

As I have posted already today I have no need to explain further. Today was also the day that I was able to get Covenant Eyes to approve the portions of this site that had been blocked (ironic although somewhat expected).  I literally feel addicted to this site and I am spending  of time reading the different users posts so as to become familiar with everyone here on this site.  I am also going to take the next step and start to communicate with others via the PM'ing and forums. [Day 3 20-Shvat/25-Jan] 

I made it onto the 90 day chart!!!!

This is awesome for me!!!

Today I realy read through GYE and the various different posts and threads.  I probably spent about 5 hours on this site.  I got a question though.  At what point is my fervor for this site going to die down?? If not entirely, then at what point will I stop caring so much about the responses that I receive?  The reason I ask this is because I feel that I am going to lose the taste of it, since I am eating too much of it. 

Also, I downloaded the White Book and started to read it.  Pretty amazing stuff.  The 12 steps are really something that I would consider going into.

For the day, I did really well and avoided all the possible situations where I might slip.  [Post Day 4 21-Shvat/26-Jan]

RisingUp wrote on 26 Jan 2011 05:15:


Wow, what a cunning, baffling and powerful disease. You are already fearful of losing interest before you began to lose interest. I can share an expreience a friend in recovery shared with me. He was going to a rehab and they told him at the front gate that no ipods or laptops are allowed in. He argued the merits of having one vs. the rules of the rehab. He went on like this for over 1/2 hour arguing the need to have an ipod and/or laptop with him. It took all that time for it to dawn on him the he didnt own an ipod or a laptop.

As an addict I am always afraid of "what comes next", its what keeps me out of the responsibilities of the moment.

You sound like you are moving full steam ahead. If and when that fear actualizes, you will share about that too.

RisingUp, congrats on your progress!
you are doing amazing work, keep it up

and as SMGW says, right now you are gaining from being on GYE, do not worry about what will happen in the non-foreseeable future and ride this wave for all it's worth. B'ezras Hashem you will go up and up.

I think I'm going to have to sign up for a GYE Anonymous meeting.  I wonder if there's anything to that.  Anybody wanna sponsor me? (For GYE Anon.)

As I have become used to, the inspiration from GYE for me today was astounding. After having written what I wrote last night, I went to sleep hoping for some sort of response.  Well, this morning when I woke up I decided to check my computer before I went to Shachris, something I NEVER do.  The sight of the responses, coupled with the PM's that I had received were enough to lift me through the clouds.  I spent the day soaring, well beyond the reach of the Yetzer Hara, floating on the clouds of GYE.  Today was another day for me to reflect upon the progress that I have made in the past week.  Although I had originally planned on adding more to my story today it will have to wait until tomorrow, when it is not so late and I have a clearer mind.  one note that I will add is something that I have begun to notice ever since I have joined GYE.  As I have began to respond to various posts and threads on this website I have noticed that my personality is easier going then that of mine in "real life".  The preliminary conclusion that I have drawn from this is that in reality this is my true self.  This is my true self uninhibited by the way that I view people in "real life", uninhibited by my shortcomings.  On this forum I am who I truly am.  This, I think, has been MY first major step toward recovery.  [Post Day 5 22-Shvat/Jan-27]

In my opinion the chizuk should be,
simply getting your life back, doing what you want, and not having your day become short by simply waiting one, two , three or even more hours searching or watching, you know what. I got to learn the parshe with rashi this week, somehow I just have more time.
Plus you feel in the morning that you have a free day ahead of you, instead of that "out of control" feeling.

If you haven't been reading any of my other posts on the other forums, that's fine. But if you have you might understand why the thinking part of my brain is a little out of breath right now.  Therefore, I will make an excuse and say that since I will be unable to post at the time that I normally do tomorrow night, I will instead post a double post tomorrow afternoon, much like the Mon that the Jewish people got on Fridays (double).  I will say a short thing about today though; is that somewhere all the way back there but still visible by my side-view mirror there seems to be someone that looks like the Y"H.  And remember: "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear."  Until tomorrow.  [Post day 6 23-Shvat/Jan-28]