I am not sure what is going on with me.  I am sure this is normal though.  I am up to day 66!!  And this last week has been harder than ever.  I really have had a harder time this week than in the beginning.  I hate this stupid fight.  I am having to deal with things, people etc. that I usually dealt with by......and it is hard as anything.  I am not able to escape from anger towards Hashem when things don’t go my way, to frustration, to dissatisfaction, sadness, and just general things that I don’t want to do by hiding in my fantasy world.  It is really hard and extremely agitating.  I feel like I am having a delayed withdrawal response.  I truly miss that aspect of my life and although I remind myself just for today, it really doesn’t go way too quickly.  I have been reading a lot on this site but it really stinks.  I wish I cold just go back to what I used to do (I won’t though, I wish wish wish I could, it was SO much easier- in the short run). 

Sorry to complain guys, I am having a hard day with this.  I am so thankful this site is here.  There is no way I would have made it through today, no way at all.  So thank you all.  and thank you for those that respond with chizuck.  I really hope it gets easier; it has only gotten harder for me.  I know I dont want to go back there deep down I know how bad it truly was and how much worse it could get, but it was such a quick and easy escape (although temporary).

THATS WHY WERE ARE HERE  FOR U!!!!!

dear ezra,

if i may read in between the lines, you are expressing difficulty and hardship, but it is not about resisting your old habits of escape, those are on their way out at the least, what seems to me to be difficult for you is the inability to escape from anger towards HKB"H when things don't go your way, v'chu...

for me, life is hard and agitating and ive somehow gotten into a messed up way of escaping from/dealing with that. if i change and/or work on my negative patterns, that won't change life's "natural" hardships. I think this is related to somewhere in the 12 steps, even though I havent done my homework with the steps and nowheres near a baki. does what im saying make sense to you?

if this is the case, then i would like to commend you on getting to day 66, dealing without the escape and confronting life as it is, isnt that what were here for?!

bardichev- thank you for your response.
struggle - what you said is SO true!! thank you for the chizuk and reminder.  it really really helped and puts it into perspective.

Ezra-

I think that you are being forced to deal with things rather than escape. In the long run this will benefit you. This is truly the cornerstone of recovery. You are now dealing with how to live without Lust. to me this indicates that you are progressing in recovery and it should be a source of happiness for you. I know that it is hard but I think it is important that you see it for what it is; a step towards a healthier you!

With all the love and admiration in the world,

Your friend,
hoping

ezra1800 wrote on 20 Aug 2009 00:04:


I'm really happy to hear that and you are welcome and deserving! Chodesh tov!!

Just an update on my "journey” I am still clean.  Yesterday again was rough.  It is really weird the first 60 days were much smother (although I did have my moments).  The intensity has gone down but my desire not to give this up has increased.  I recognize that it is total Y"H" but still....  It is interesting yesterday during one of my bigger struggles, I almost convinced myself just to look, just have a peek nothing more.  I convinced myself that it wouldn't get further than that.  (Instead I exercised).  I read some to the GYE handbook and how that "not looking" is the foundation of success basically.  I started to read the handbook a little more extensively. 

I am not convinced that am I an addict, not to open a whole can of worms, but I really just think that I have gotten into a long term bad habit that I need to break.  I am not sure what difference it makes how I look at it.  I still recognize how hard it is and ask Hashem for help for give the battle over to him, and I still have set up gedarim (filter etc) as I
would with any really nasty habit.

I am open to comments and feedback of course.  I appreciate all of your support and concern.  Gut Shabbos to all. ;D

Dear Ezra,

You might not be an addict, but please don't let down your guard!  Stay with it, one day at a time.

thank you kedusha-
I will keep my "guard" up.  I certainly recognize the strength of this y"h" and what successfully fighting it entails.
For the first time in over 9 years I will be entering this rosh hashana and yom kippur happy and not feeling depressed/guilty, embarrassed etc.  It feels great.  you guys are all great!! this site is unbeliebabl,e I am jealous of the zchus that the creators have made for themselves.

I should be slightly over 90 days for Rosh hashana, cant wait, hopes it all being recorded upstairs....

Ezra, how amazing to be able to reach 90 days during Elul. What a way to enter Rosh Hoshana and begin the new year.

I also noticed your recent change in attitude. So glad your staying on top of the fight and smiling again. Can't wait celebrate when your break 90!

does anyone know of a filter for a cell phone that gets internet??
thanks

Ezra, we understand you perfectly. Reminds me of Jack. His first 70 days or so were hard, but then he really hit the major withdrawal. I wrote to Rabbi Twerski for him. See his answers here and here.




www.thejnet.com has something for Blackberries.

Porn addiction is a spiritual cancer. It has been in remission for 66 days. Don't let it come back, it is a progressive disease!

Dear Ezra,

Shkoyach on your successes at the end of last week. I can totally relate to the addict/bad habit question. Well, no matter, we want to get out of this! Looking forward to a great Elul for all of us.

gut voch,

Struggle

thanks all for your responses and feedback.  I hit 70 today, wow it feels good.  I am sensing a greater sense of mental and spiritual clarity that I havent flet in years!!

Big news for me: we had a baby boy this past friday night.  I probably wont have time to post for a little while........but I'll keep in check.

MAZEL TOV MAZEL TOV  MAZEL TOV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!