First time post.  Just thought I would tell everyone my story:

I am in my 30's, have 5 kids have been married about ten years. I have had this "struggle" for about 13 years.  I always considered myself more "perverted" than my friends but only got involved in online porn when I was in college.  I had for the first time free unlimited unsupervised internet access. I started with small things that eventually led to watching things I never imagined I would look at.  I couldn’t stop and didn’t want to.  I thought marriage would help but it didn’t.  I never really gave it a great effort to stop until now.  I also learn daily and feel that I have a great marriage. My wife actually caught me twice but being that I have developed a real provenience at hiding, my behaviors on the computer and understanding how they work, I was able to talk my way out of it and make sure it doesn't happen again.  The real kicker was last year.  I was bored and stupid at work and went to inappropriate sites and ALMOST got busted.  I again beat the IT guys who knew someone did something but were thank g-d unable to find it on anyone’s' computer.  I decided then and there I had enough.  If I had gotten fired for that, my career would have been totally messed up and who knows what would have happened to my marriage.  I was also having difficulty doing my work which I attribute to difficulties associated with this problem.

So there you have it.  I was looking for help, found the GYE website, signed up put on the k-9 filter and have been "clean" ever since (38 days today).  Not saying I don't have the desire, but I haven't gone back there again.

Welcome home!

It is great to have you on this forum and it sounds like you are already heavily invested in this recovery. Please continue to post on this forum and the wonderful people here will take you in to join our family as they have done to me and many others.

Your new friend,

Hoping

I humbly write this next post as I am enjoying my accomplishment of hitting day 60 yesterday.  I went to the mikvah earlier today (erev shabbos) and truly feel pure and holy. 

My sense of appreciation to the GUE staff and those that have supported me cannot be expressed enough.  Over the last couple of days I have been reading the stories section of both men and their wives.  The story of the man that got busted talking to minors blew me away.  Who knows where my own internet problem could have taken me, I never got involved outside of the web and certainly not with minors but I never imagined I would do some of the stuff online that I did.  (I write this with tears in my eyes).  I have been tearing up a lot today thinking about this issue.  You GEU people truly saved me, I have a beautiful marriage and children and Hashem gives me so much, I could have lost it all (no one thinks they will ever get caught).  That scares the heck out of me, and truly motivates me to remain strong.  Thank g-d I never hit bottom that way, but I think you have all provided me the ability to hit bottom while still on top.  I am at day 60!!  And feeling great.  I did the math, that is over 80 hours of my life that I would have wasted (in many ways- hamevin yavin).  THANK YOU!!  THANK YOU!!!

For those like myself who continue to struggle.  Here are the three things I can point to that have kept me strong:
1. Thinking about the above- all that I can lose- marriage, parnasah, children oy vey- is it worth it!!!
2. Thinking about how I feel afterwards-
3. The filters I have installed (even though I know how to get around them- they are still an additional step)
4. Having my name on the chart and knowing that I would have to start on day one again.  I encourage everyone to use the chart it is really helpful.  It has stopped me multiple times, I didn’t want o have to publically admit failure and to myself start over

Thanks again everyone, I am truly crying tears of joy and appreciation today.  I feel great and overwhelmed with joy.

THANK YOU

Thank you Ezra for sharing your experience and for your warm words!

I assume you get the daily chizuk e-mails, and I encourage you to read the handbooks as well (If you haven't yet). They will help you keep strong!

You are truly an inspiration to us all. Please keep posting!

Beautiful, Ezra.  Mazal Tov on reaching 2/3 of the way to 90 days!

Welcome to the forum.

Congratulations on your clean streak.

thank you all for your feedback and support. today has been a pretty hard day. not sure what provoked it but I have been having a harder than usual time with this issue.  I DID NOT GIVE IN HOWEVER! which I am obviously very happy about.  i do honestly miss looking at porn etc.  it has been a part of my life for such a long time, and I honestly enjoy it, but not what it does to me and my self esteem , neshama and other potential problems.  I really hope this gets a lot easier once I hit 90.  it is such a long time!!

thanksx for listening/reading my babble.

It does get easier over time, especially if you use this time to address the underlying nature that causes you to be pulled towards it. I cannot win in a fight with the YH as an addict, but I can change myself into someone for whom the battle is less severe.

Behatzlacha

wow, ezra, you've gotten really far and clearly have a lot of gratitude for what you have in your life. I wish I could say that when I have a hard time I'm able to pinpoint the triggers, but it ain't that easy for me. Maybe, like hoping said, you could do this. Either way, I hope and pray you make it well through this day and continue on to many more clean days. And don't we know that we get more schar if we desire something, but hold ourselves back as opposed to not wanting it at all. Good for you for acknowledging that you enjoy this shmutz, but still choose to turn the other way.

Keep it up Tzadik!!! :D

Im rooting for you Ezra!!! Almost there!

Hello Ezra! I didn't have the zechs to greet you when you joined but better late than never. Wellcome to the most powerful club in the world - the group that's bringing Moshi'ach! Congrtulaions on this great step!

I would humbly suggest that you make sure to replace the acting out with positive action. Our feeling of needing to act out comes from an inner feeling of lacking and wanting to be close to Hashem. We can't just stop acting out and leave an empty void. We need to satisfy the need at it's source. Weather it's in Torah, Tefilah, Chesed or all of the above, it's all good. But quality is much more important than quantity. I have no idea where you're holding in these things but it doesn't matter. This is the time to really start moving ahead. (You may want to read this: rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=614.0 )

Thank you to those that have responded with chizuk and other encouragement.  For those that have made it to 90, can you please tell me how the war changes adn how it gets easier.  It would truly help me to know not just that it will get easier but how specifically.    The process certainly stinks, I am still "clean" but continue to battle.  I really miss it but of course dont want to go back there and I know what happens if I do even once.

Thanks again for all of your help!!

Dear Ezra,

I'm not sure if it's a Din in 90 days, but over time the images and urges should diminish.  I find that the accountability of the GYE forum is so very helpful.

Our dear member "Jack" - who was addicted for 38 years before he found our website - recently wrote to me as follows:

It's been 8 1/2 months clean with only one slip, and I can genuinely say that the desire for that junk is fading. It took me a 90 day period of absolutely terrifying rides on the roller coaster [see Jack's 90 day time-line [url=http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/OurStories/Determined1.asp]here[/url]], but once the rides came to a stop, the junk was gone. And as more and more time goes on, that junk gets further in the past, and fades. However, we must still be careful and we can't let our GUARD down, because the addiction is still there, like a spark in our subconscious that can be ignited anytime. So no smoking around an addict, because the fumes may ignite that dormant spark. "Once an addict, always an addict", (it's in the neuron-pathways; in our psyche). ONWARD!!!

Our dear member "Ano" (a Bochur) discusses the "90 Day" phenomenon with someone on the forum after being clean for a half a year:

The "90 days" is a leap of faith. It really does get SO much easier. I'm 20 years old now. I'd never gone a whole week clean since age 12. I went pretty much cold turkey with the help of GUE and a Rebbi at my yeshiva. The 90 days helps give you something to look forward to, and that already makes is so much easier. Once you get there, it is much easier because you are in the habit of NOT acting out. However, by the time you reach 90 days (it took me a while, but I got there) you should not be allowing lust to take hold of you at all. If you are at 90 days "clean" but you are constantly clicking links which you are driven to by lust, you will not be able to hold out. All the filters in the world won't help if you aren't sincere. The lust is a poison, and once you have 90 days without it, it is much easier to see that. And with the clear realization that it is pure POISON, how COULD you click on it? That is how I see it.