Wow, ChaimCharlie, that was intense. So here's a little right back at you:

The message of SA to me on these realizations is not just that I actually do think this way and feel this way...(although if we only came to hear this, dayeinu!)

But wait! There's more!

SA teaches me that what my body is telling me is actually a lie. Yup. I will not die without sex tonight - and ever. That is terrifying, absolutely terrifying. My guts proclaim I will suffer and die without it....but here comes the addicts to say, "Well yeah, we know...but we are not dying without it."

The shrink can tell me that and it's meaningless - for he has never believed as I do! The tzaddik can tell me that and it's even more meaningless, for he surely doesn't understand. L'havdil it's like Catholic priests being marriage counselors (which they often are)...c'mon, are you nuts? Only one who knows - who really knows because they have been on their knees in the bathroom too, hands shaking as they carefully opened the dirty magazine to that special, sweet picture again, and took it all in breathlessly...and used it to have sex with themselves and felt that they hate being here more than life itself - but want this so badly anyhow because nothing else is nearly as beautiful and sweet....only that person can know. This is obvious.

That's why the SA's can tell me what nobody else can - not necessarily in words, but in their actions by living sober and dealing with real life sober: that what I truly and viscerally believe is nothing but a lie. And that there is another way.

Boruch Hashem for recovering sober addicts!

You guys totally rock!
Sometimes I wish I hadn't gotten sober by "myself" so I could learn all the stuff you have in SA.
Thanks for sharing.

Thanks, Alex (it's never too late to join...)

Dov. I'm gonna fire back even stronger. I think it was you who said once based on the story of R' Elazar Ben Durdayah, that in truth there is at least one part of us that really must die in order to recover. That piece of me that needs lust to soothe me when my father-in-law tries convincing my wife that he really comes before me because he knew her first and since I don't feel that way I must be a piece of garbage (sorry, I just had to let that out), yeah that feeling that I know and feel so much as part of my essence, has to die.
I hope Hashem will kill it, cause I can't.

Chaim

90 days (again).

I think I hold the record of making it to 90 days the most times--this is my 4th.

Had 2 clean stretches of 7 months, and then another one for about 1 year and 3 months. This is certainly a lot better than what it used to be--falling once or twice a week. In fact, in stead of looking at the few times I fell and had to start again, it's kinda nice to look at the approximately 240 times I haven't fallen in the past few years as a result of recovery.

--Elyah

Mazel Tov.

The 90 day thing is cool, that fact that you went over a whole year blows my mind.
I hope I get there too.

Mazel Tov. Mazel Tov.

Mazel tov!

Please don't strangle me - we have met and know each other, so maybe you can't want to kill me any more... - but here goes:

What do you really, really wish for right now? If you could, which would you really choose? And this is not a word-game, mind-game, or any game at all:

1- to be sober forever

2- to sober for a year

3- to be sober today

So you know I say it's to be sober today that's the best choice. If I've got today, everything's OK, and that is the best insuirance to help me be OK tomorrow. There really is nothing at all that I can do today for tomorrow except grab hold of today with both hands.

And Hashem says "hayom" so many times in the Torah regarding the mitzvos and the Torah (in Sh'ma, in Re'eh, etc). It's because today is our only business. AA's call it "doing the next right thing." Acceptance of this (sort of) sad reality that our torture about the past is stupid, and that our wishes, expectations and prayers for the future are really just distractions...is a big help to stay sober. "Hayom la'asosam" is literal. It's telling us to ignore s'char cuz it's got nothing to do with today, this life, whatever.

Oy, there I go again on the soapbox...

Sorry,

Dov

Two days ago I was feeling totally filled up with lust. I was downtown (Jaffa St.) all afternoon with some stuff to do and a lot of waiting in between. I made the mistake of wandering into a book store to pass the time. I was on guard against the magazine racks, but the regular best-seller sections had a couple of books with some very triggering pictures on the cover. The thought went through my mind, “Since I’m so careful all the time, if something manages to get through—it must be it’s not so bad!” I did catch myself and get out of the book store after a couple of minutes.

Later on I took the subway home, and couldn’t stop staring at a particular lady. What got me most was that she was modestly dressed, “so it’s not so bad!” That sick rationalization again.

I made a bunch of calls, but still felt full of lust. I had a dream that night that I was about to act out with someone and the thought entered my mind, “If I keep this up, I’ll lose my sobriety.” So, I stopped. I actually admitted to this lady in my dream that I’m a sexaholic and then we had a conversation for a while. The main thing was that she said it was so obvious I’m so interested in sex (thought I thought she couldn’t tell). It was weird.

I woke up glad that my recovery was apparently strong enough to leak into my dream, and glad that nothing happened. But, on the other hand, the thought entered my mind from time to time to look back on that dream—the near-acting out part, with a bit of satisfaction. I’m sick.

I felt full of lust, and all through the morning I felt like acting out. I made calls to share all my frustrations, which helped a little. But a short while later I felt like acting out. I needed to answer the call of nature at one point and felt determined to act out. The meanwhile I said to my Higher Power, “Please keep me sober for just 10 seconds.” I counted down the 10 seconds so I could act out afterwards. I managed to start the count again. After the second time I had finished relieving myself and told myself it was time to zip up and get out of the bathroom.

I still felt like acting out. I interrupted my morning schedule to write a fear and gratitude list, and I called someone and shared it with him. It helped, but still I felt like acting out again soon afterwards.

All together I made 8 calls and 6 people answered and talked with me for some time. As long as I kept feeling like acting out, I kept making more calls. I felt so determined to act out. The sixth person I reached was most helpful. I started to ramble on, “Well, this feeling started last night—so what happened then?” There’s a recovery slogan, “don’t look where you FELL, look where you SLIPPED.” I told him about my afternoon downtown. He shared with me, “I also have trouble being downtown. It’s not so much the immodestly clad women as much as the whole atmosphere—people just sitting around eating in nice cafes, smiling and laughing and having fun--carefree. And then I look at my life full of so much stress and so many problems and think, ‘why can’t I be like that, too?’” I identified completely. With that, I felt the lust was taken away for a reprieve for a few hours.

Then, it came back. I was facing this job and I was all worried about whether I could do it or not. Fear was killing me, and making me want to act out. But then, I managed to sit down and get to work; the actual job actually went smoothly—it was nothing like I had feared. I think my financial situation in general is another thing I have to work on surrendering to my Higher Power.

Today, thank God, I feel I have a reprieve. I have been pretty regular about a morning 11th step—seek conscious contact with my Higher Power through prayer and meditation. This was something that was difficult for me for a very long time, but I recently came across a suggested approach for meditation which I have found very easy to work with.

First of all, I begin with the premise that my Higher Power has only my best interest in mind and whatever is happening in my life and inside my head is up to Him and for my ultimate good; my Higher Power loves me and, through life’s difficulties and through internal struggles, He is trying to send me a message. With that, I begin:

1. I thank my Higher Power for the struggles I am facing. (This gives me a lot of fuel to talk to Him).
2. I ask my Higher Power to help me realize what He is trying to teach me through these challenges and what I need to correct in my thoughts or actions as a result.
3. I ask my Higher Power to help me increase my awareness of Him and my belief in Him.
4. I ask my Higher Power to be patient with me as I work on improving myself (progress, not perfection) and to grant me—as a free gift, whatever I may need to fulfill my purpose in life. I also take the opportunity to pray on behalf of others (especially that my wife should find the same peace of mind and contentment that I am hoping to experience myself).

I do this in the morning after formal prayers; I sit in a side-room by myself and set a timer to give myself 5 minutes of this before getting on with my day.

Thank you for reading.

--Elyah

Great stuff. I love that one about the 10 seconds.

What a day you had. Well done, warrior.
The whole non-evil world is rooting for the IDF and celebrating their victory over Achmed Homon and you are fighting your own war with nobody even aware that it is going on. I wonder how much of yesterday's activity in Gaza was because of your struggles.

WOWOW Great Job!!!!

Wow you had me oif shpilkes there!

Higher Power loves us, and He takes us to the very edge of the cliff, just so we should see that it is only Him that keeps us from going over.

KUTGW and keep on inspiring us with your determination.

What a share, reb Eyeball! Thanks for opening up about how you use the steps in real life - the only place they really matter.

And thank-G-d we are not warriors and don't fool ourselves through successes that we are, either. That's a big part of why we are still clean today, I think. Hashem Ish milchamah, not me.

:-*

Thanks Elya!

Eye.nonymous wrote on 15 Nov 2012 13:05:


It's always those tznius girls that get me the worst.
So modest and beautifull.
Feel that it is God's will to lust after them.
He made lust to bring me happiness and soothe my rough edges.
Not with porn and ichy bad stuff,
but with those nice dressed up from ladies.
I am sick.

Someone told me more,
that the most attractive is that which is covered,
the fantasies can imagine anything and everything.
Lust doesn't leave me alone on busses.
Is very hard.
Lust after every frum well shaped object that I can see.
Dont feel bad that makes them object,
cause I am sick and think that's what they really are.