Granted everyone is certainly different and needs a different approach. Some people are coming from one place and some from another. But here I go, nonetheless:

As far as the cleaning lady goes, the question is why (in the world) are you making a big deal out of her? If you had a really tough time, and knew a new cleaning lady is coming, I am gonna be prejudicial here and suspect that you were 'prepared' to check her out - then to resist her should she turn out to be a pretty woman.

This is fear-driven behavior. It is typical of the religious (and failing for some people) approach. It prepares us for the moment of issur: Lo sasuru - gevalt! What if she is hot?! Whatever am I going to do!? Is Hashem strong enough to help? ...I wonder....

Does He love me enough to help me? ...I doubt it...

Then what about the next time?? ....probably then I'll plotz!

So why bother?

No! That's not frum! I am yid and I will fight!!

Squeak!

Plop.

OK. So maybe there is another way. Maybe there are ten other ways - certainly the same old losing way is a dumb choice to make...good intentions ("l'Shem Shomayim") are no excuse for stupidity.

So. In Mesilas Yeshorim it's written that the peasant has no desire for the princess, for he cannot imagine that she would ever be interested in him. It's just not shayach! So the desire itself - which is from the body - never gets started.

I suggest to you that you would not have such a hard time with her if you would not be all worried about her, afraid of her (and her breasts, her face, her shape, her voice, and all her other 'powers') AND if you had no shaychus to getting physical with her. I would guess that you actually do harbor a desire to get sexual with her - a fantasy. But I bet it is in your psyche hiding somewhere, hence she is seen by your body-sense as reachable. Hence, she is 'such a tremendous challenge', as you put it.

Admit it, and then let go of her. Admit it to a safe friend. Don't walk around sounding frum and party-line, if you are not really there - it gets you no where, cuz it's sheker, and Hashem isn't with sheker.

If it is true, then consider admitting clearly and awkwardly that you are muchan and mesugal to use her attributes to fantasize, and that you do lust after her, and that somewhere in you there is a broken wall - an actual consideration of behaviors that would have terribly destructive consequences. That does not mean you are an addict or a pervert at all, but it does mean something is a bit goofy with you.

Admit it so that you can then surrender it - let it go.

If you want to hold onto the fantasies and silly dreams and keep suffering with lusts that you cannot have without paying terrible prices, then gezunderheit. I am not the one who will try to convince you not to - let the frummies do that.

But if you are really ready to let them go, then just make up your mind about it and say to your trusted friend (and to Hashem after that) that you are ready to let her and your lust for her go - to let the 'opportunities' in the fantasies of your heart go. Let them dissolve - whatever happens to them when we ket them go...who knows, who cares? Just drop them, if you want to. Give them up.

That is what we are meaning when we say, don't fight the desires by holding onto them and trying to beat them while you have them - give them up. It is a totally different derech.

Sound OK?

And if you have any fear of this woman and what she might do to you, I suggest that such a feeling is not yir'as Shomayim, nor yir'as cheit. It is yir'as bosor v'dom....literally. By taking the typical hashkofah of the ignorant, you are giving these women tremendous power! You are investing them with god-like strength - to make you shudder and breath shallow and hope and pray you are spared from them...gevalt. This is not the way.

They are irrelevant, and not yours nor mine, at all. Not shayach to us. They are like peasants and we are royalty - there is really no connection. Hashem can help us stay unconnected to them if we stay connected to the truth about ourselves and stay connected properly to others by telling them the truth about ourselves openly!! Choose safe people for this...but do it.

We are only as sick as our secrets.

HashemsSoldier wrote on 27 Jun 2011 03:09:


That's great.

--Eye.

dov,
i was able to connect to the beginning of what you said, that really i was prepared to look and then be scared if she was pretty. thats not what went through the top of my head when it happened, but its something that was floating around in my head.,
so dov, bottom line, what exactly is your eitzah?

(in 3,000 words or less)

im very very excited, im starting safrus classes tomorrow!
ive always been interested in it, i finally have a big chance.
o btw,
does anyone want to pre-order a megillah or a pitum haketores?

What about a sefer torah?

How much is a sefer torah?

really the supllies for a sefer torah is only a couple thousand, the real money comes from the fact that it takes a year to write,
depending on the type of ink and how often the sofer needs to "sharpen" his kulmus (= quill) (the more you sharpen the faster you finish it and need to buy a new one) and a couple other things, the actual supplies cost somewhere around $6000.
that is what i was told.
anyways, today was the 1st lesson, i learned how to make a kulmus (although i didnt get a chance to try yet) and how to make straight lines with a kulmus (which is need for almost every letter)

This is mamish gevaldig!

This is a wonderful thing to occupy your time with.

Mitzvos.

Gevaldig.

Sharpen that kulmus!

great to hear about your new project HS, wishing you much hatzlocha

another point to remember is that you will be involved in a mitzva which is to produce beautiful and pleasing tashmishei kedusha - zeh keli ve'anvehu - and that is a positive and healthy pursuit of beauty. may it be a zechus and shmira against wrongful and damaging pursuits of beauty.
לך בכחך זה ותעשה חיל

thanks zs and amen!
today is my 16th day BH!

today is day 17,
getting ready for shabbas,
jsut checking in.
i learned 3 letters today

today is day 18!
at kiddush they put a bottle of woodford right in from of me, all i could think about is gye
a gut voch

:D gevaldig.

have some more.

ok, i think i really got those letters down,
when i first learned them the guy told me that it would be a 20 dollar mezuzah and not a $50, i think right now i would be at a $35 mezuzah, ive gotton a lot neater and cant wait to learn more tommorow!
btw, today is day 19!
cant say that ive been perfect till date, ive had some big slips where i mamash almost had a fall to which i immidietly turned over to hashem for help (i soulda also connected to others at those points) and had hatzlacha at the last moment.
HS

That's almost three weeks! I am very impressed (and a little jealous).