Zemiros, Ben Durdayah (E), and Eye, thanks for your well wishes and your friendly inquiries.

I am 90 days clean (91 at this point) and became so during Yesod ShebiNetzach. I value yesod, tikun habris.

This is the second time this year that I have reached this milestone. I was clean for 160+ days until I started to slip, fall, and act out. It has been a rough journey since that began. I have reached a point at which I can say that I have my moments of clarity and I know what I want. Sometimes (still) I lose my sense of clarity, and I am coming to terms with accepting that and not having to act out just because I feel the urge to do so. As my therapist says, "It is psychological. If I can be clear on that, I can look at each challenge as an opportunity to learn more about myself. I can think beyond myself at this moment, something that I didn't consider before and am not even considering now."

I can write a lot about my journey, and continue it does. I have same sex attractions and some of my bigger issues are my troubling and nagging self doubt, my sense of not being good enough, and even judging my goodness at all. Ssa is a familiar voice to me and it is smart, slick, and sly. It will not go away without a fight. Engines ready, missiles prepared, I, me, the real me, is here to stay!

Love you all, and thank you so much for your support.

B'Ahava Raba,

Sturggle

As someone who has a very hard time with females I can relax in yeshiva where  we are all men and not the least bit triggering. I cannot imagine coping for even one day with an SSA problem. You are truly awesome to go 9 days, kol shechayn 90 or 160. Hashem has given you an aircraft and missiles that I don't have and most of the Forum don't have. Keep on flying and fighting and inspiring us all!

I second that...

Imagine having to learn in a girl's seminary. 'Nuff said.

Sturggle: You are an inspiration.

KUTGW,

E

And Mazla"t on your 90=Tzaddik

Great to hear you are flying high!
what with the missiles and the engines
continued hatzlocha

sturggle wrote on 17 May 2011 09:37:

I also suffer from this cycle.  Clarity clarity, and then everything falls apart and gets all scary.  Self-doubt, feel like I'm living a lie, going in totally the wrong direction.

I would always feel awful, and then eventually reach some sort of clarity and then think, "Thank God I got that clarity so it put an end to the confusion!"

I recently read something chassidish that gave me a lot of chizzuk on this, a different perspective.

Sort of like, in order for a seed to grow into a tree, it first has to decay.

So, our personal growth is the same thing.  In order for us to grow, we need to go through a period of decay; all our assumptions have to come into question again.  We might be on the right track, but we nevertheless have to stand back and take an objective, and an analytical, look at ourselves.  Maybe we're wrong.  Maybe we missed something.

So, it's not so much, "thanks to that insight, I could stop being confused."  Rather, "BECAUSE I WENT THROUGH THE DARK, I was able to come up with a new, better perpective on life."

So, when the dark comes along, I'm trying to view it now as a positive thing, and intergral part of the growth process, instead of viewing it as a setback and a catastrophe.

--Eye.

I fell yesterday. I want to post this to be honest to you all and to myself. I have been under some stress and can think of some other reasons that may have brought on this fall. I am working on moving past it, though I am struggling to do so. I am not beating myself up, which is good, though I am continuously falling back into the trap. I am taking back my power and one of the first steps is posting this here. Thanks for reading and listening and being there.

Sturggle

Sturggle, I love you, I love you, I love you!! You will be OK. It is so great that you posted - and so soon!!

I am sure you are done beating yourself up. Now is the rough and unavoidable time of staying with your program and sanity and remaining real with your wife and the rest of the peiople in your life in a smart way. Get with your RBS"O and keep on moving.

here is a hug:


mmmmmMMM!!


OK. Now back to work.

Dov,
Thanks for the encouragement and positive feedback. I'm not married.

Now is a difficult time for me. It is so easy to not think about it and continue acting out. I want to put a stop to that, become conscious of where I'm at and choose a course of action that I want and not just act out of default.

Details, details.


(just kidding...Ooops :-\)

sturggle wrote on 03 Jun 2011 00:40:


Your honesty is admirable.

I nearly fell last night, and I'm still feeling pretty down, on the verge of acting out.  And, I don't understand!  Haven't I just had some major life insights that could keep me sober forever?

Somehow, our own thinking, no matter how uplifting it may be at times, can't help us.

It seems that the only thing that works is putting our intellect aside and feelng stupid and posting "I'm about to m*sturbate and I can't believe it," and "I'm all stressed out about every little thing right now," and also calling people and saying this to them and then feeling even more stupid about ourselves.

Somehow, that helps, and I don't know why and I don't really care why.

Don't know if that resonates with anyone.

--Eye.

It resonates here.

Zemiros and Maccabee, thanks for your replies.

I want to scream. I just did in my head. It helped a little.
Last night I checked in with myself before I went to bed and I was totally blocked off.

I fell today.

Hashem made you and He does not make junk.
Keep on flying one day at a time.