Wow, I spent the last two hours reading chizuk emails and thinking.



I noticed this way back. I said to my wife "I've missed 10 years of emotional development".
Since getting married a little less than three years ago, I've been learning from scratch how to behave.
Defining emotions and feelings, observing my reactions and how I deal with things has been a great help.
I guess that's what got me to this site - I started dealing with the emotional part of life, fixing where I've been going wrong.

I have a big hole in myself that I've been filling with lust. Lust found its way to my work desk because I'm unsatisfied with my work. The job I do has no real benefit to the world. This realisation opened the door. Instead of walking out the door, I let lust in.
I’ve been here so long, they treat me well here, the place would fall apart without me. I took a week off and boy were they glad I was back to put everything back together.
It’s such a big change going somewhere else. What if it doesn’t work out there?
This pays the bills very nicely, they accommodate leaving early for holydays etc.
In short, I am comfortable here. Not fulfilled, not happy, just comfortable.

I’ve been looking for triggers like are mentioned in other threads – things that have an immediate effect – visible things.
The real trigger is all around me right now. I go to it almost every day. No wonder Shabbos was always an easy day to stay clean.
No wonder Sunday night / Mondays are an issue. It’s not the week-end; it’s the getting back to work.
I am a comfort seeker and my work is comfortable, secure.
Now that I have opened a window a can see the truth, It is making me uncomfortable being here.
In answer to my prayer earlier, H” has shown me that my comfort-seeking can be positive too – I’m uncomfortable in a bad environment and am seeking positive change.

Okay, take practical steps.
Update C.V.
See what’s out there.

I can't think of many jobs that do (within themselves) but if your job provides you a living then it is benefiting the world. I also can't think of any position/job where you can't do some good. For example, accounting has no real benefit to the word but an accountant can be an example to his co-workers, help others, etc and make a difference. If you can get a better job then go for it but if you can't try to focus on the positive.

I spent some time focusing on the good of my job.
It provides me with money, I give some of that money to the community, therefore it benifits the community.
Even if my company only produces entertainment, at least it's doing something good by providing jobs.
I obviously can't change jobs today, so at very least I must make my stay here better.
Also, it's a big decision to make hastily. Lets see how the month goes...

Thanks Hashem for giving me a job when so many people do not have one.

See, now I'm already happier.
Smile! :-)

beautiful!
i love your attitude
:D ;D

Now, to just keep that attitude up.

It's a great day, sun shining, everything's peaceful.
Baby kept me up past midnight and the alarm didn't go off so I didn't make it to shul this morning, but that's okay.

The woh says I'm clean 200 days in total (only one consecutive day though, I looked at some tv Tuesday for the wrong reasons, just flipping channels because what I wanted to see wasn't on. It took about half an hour before I convinced myself to stop.)

Distance from Anger, Distance from Lust, Fear of Heaven.
I think it's time to add "Distance from Boredom" - that's a real killer. Doesn't fit well in the rhythm though.

A bit of a slip last night and an argument with the wife.
I think I'm very sleep deprived.

TGIF!

Have a good Shabbos everyone!

The Y"H grabbed me this morning and I slipped.
Just as I seem headed for a clean streak - a stumbling block.

Okay, not serious, doesn't really feel like a fall, it was stopped as soon as my initial curiosity was satisfied.

It seems I'm still close to the edge. Need to distance myself from the edge entirely. I forget how bad the small things are.

Ahhh yes, it's Monday.
Maybe I need to schedule some work for Monday mornings, to get the work-week off to a productive start and not leave myself with some time where I haven't decided what to do yet.
I'm going to try that.

Close eyes, deep breath. Start again.
Today is a new day, a great day, sun shining.

I've been trying to post more on other threads.
I was worried that I was overly harsh in one post but two people said it was a good post which was really nice to hear.

I've been thinking:
When I reach out for someone else's help, I may be pulling them down
But when I reach out to give someone else help, I'm pulling us both up

KOT

Last night I couldn't sleep and that didn't end well.
Sigh

Learn from your falls and just KOT

So what did I learn?
I knew I was doing something I shouldn't be doing, told myself it was wrong, but I was carried away.

I gave up smoking once, after years of addiction I just said to myself don't do it anymore and I have never done it since. About 10 years free.

Just don't do it!
That had something that made it easier - if I did not have anything to smoke then I just wouldn't get more. Lust is in endless supply...

So, cut off the supply. That's what filters do, and I need to enforce the filters in my mind again.

I noticed that when I was clean, my allergies went away. That means my immune system was better at filtering out the unwanted stuff that I was allergic to.
I think there is a link there. I noticed that since I lowered my lust filter that my allergies have come back.

Just don’t do it!

There I was, giving advice to another on how to tell his girlfriend that he's a an addict, when I realised that I have never actually said to my wife "I am an addict".

I did tell her that I was installing a filter at home and at work because I need help staying away from bad sites, and I did speak to her a lot about lust addiction. I just never used the words "I am an addict" or "ruining my life".

Am I still in denial? I sometimes tell myself something is okay because I'm not addicted in that way.
There is also a stigma around sex addiction, so I don't want her to think it is worse than it is.
I'm not a sex addict in the common sense - I have always been faithful, the issue is with prn and mst - so a lust addict.
When I went on the radio, the two other guests had acted out in ways I never have or would, and I don't want her to think that that's who I am.

My Y"H is just getting me down, I think.
Does my wife need to know every battle I have? Honey, I fell last night again - is not a problem she needs added to her day.
My wife knows I battle with lust and does not even suggested we do anything that would be an issue for me.
The harm of telling her more outweighs the benefit

Keep on trucking, there's no real problem, so let's not make one.

we agree 

ToAdd wrote on 13 Jan 2011 07:45:


That's smart.

--Eye.

I need some help.

Somehow, I managed to stay clean yesterday but boy was it a battle and the Y"H is not giving up.
He's trying to get me down, laying on guilt about the past.
The positive side of such a strong attack though is that I am aware it's him.

Yes, I've done things in the past that were bad, that I can't fix - I'm sorry. I will not do those things again (bli neder).

Hashem, please help me.
Looking back, I did not have the will to do better under those circumstances; it's like you hardened my mind, put me on autopilot.
Like you used me in order to make things happen, like hardening Pharo’s heart to bring about all ten plagues.
Or like when you first sent Moshe to Pharo and he increased our burdens.
Only you can rescue me from my bondage
Help me accept your will
I am trying to return to you, but the path itself is damaged and hard to see. There are dragons and armed bandits and the sword you gave me to protect myself, I used to hurt myself.
May my torn heart be like a sacrifice to you, my tears like water libations.
This is my path and I will conquer it!