ToAdd wrote on 15 Dec 2010 13:32:
Yep, His thoughts are very deep. So are yours. Thanks for sharing such inspiring thoughts and inspiring work. - Briut

It sounds like you are playing with lust.  Starting, but not going all the way.  And then taking credit for not doing anything "really" bad.  Feeling in control.

I played this game for decades.  Start a little, but as long as there's no zera l'vatala, I think I'm alright.  But, I didn't always succeed.  And I probably failed more often than not.  That's okay, I said to myself.  I'll just analyze the situation, figure out what happened that made me go too far, and just be more careful next time.  But next time, it was something different that led to the fall.  So, I've got to watch out for THAT next time, too.  And then something DIFFERENT, of course unexpected, caught me off guard next time.

For me, THAT was one of the signs of being an addict; playing with lust, thinking I was in control, but not really being in control.  The AA analogy for this is like a drunk who figures he can't handle vodka, so he drinks beer instead.  That doesn't work, so he switches to wine.

It was a HUGE step for me, for my recovery, to realize that IT'S ALL THE SAME THING!  No matter what tricks I'm trying to do not to have zera l'vatala, the underlying motivation is always the same.  I'M PLAYING WITH LUST.  I'm a lust addict, even though I'm no doing anything "really wrong."

--Eye.

Too true Eye

It's like putting the Vodka in my mouth but not swallowing, or going in to a bar and saying "I'll just look, not drink."

I need to stay away from it all.

This immediately starts a conflict in my head:
This is hard - don't tell yourself it's too hard because then you may not start at all
Okay, this is not too hard, I can do it - but I'm an addict
It seems like I'm in love with my Y"H instead of with myself.

A car travelling at 100km/h takes just as much enerygy to stop as it took to get to that speed.
Fact: I am an addict
It will take effort to stop this behaviour.
Don't be afraid of the effort - are athletes afraid of training?
Never mind how far I've come, today is a new day and I need to overcome today's challenges.

I'm starting my count over again - I've just been fooling myself.
My new definition of a fall: Looking at ANY material with the intention of arousing myself

ToAdd

to continue today's post:

I have found myself in a comfort zone and have been reluctant to move.
In my big journey, I have stopped moving, stopped growing.

Time to get moving, get out of the lazy chair into the drivers seat...

ToAdd wrote on 17 Dec 2010 06:43:

Once you know this, things actually start to get easier.

You start noticing, almost every activity is suspect as a trigger.

And, knowing that, it's a lot easier to stay out of the bar than to get into the bar and try not to drink.

--Eye.

I have found that a change in attitude reduced the triggers.

Particular triggers were only a problem if I thought about them.

I suppose that what I'm saying is that it's not the event that determines the reaction, it's the attitude to the event. If I see something *nice* on the street and start dwelling on that vision, it is a problem.
If I distract myself from thinking about it, the image goes away.

If one is to think that X is a problem, even when it isn't, simply thinging about it will turn it into a problem.

I am working on each point, but they all re-inforce each other, so a slip in one area brings everything down.
Uncovering each weakness as I go, and for each one, distance is needed to overcome it.

Not really getting to a point here, just throwing my ideas ono the journal.

I am only one step away from defeating this evil...
...And no victory is to be considered permanent.

Yesterday was a good day.
I found myself watching TV and realised that I'm just wasting time (life).
Went to bed and read a few more chapters of a sefer instead.
Learning something is a much better cure for boredom than that box.

ToAdd wrote on 20 Dec 2010 10:03:

One of the things that made a huge difference for me in recovery is when someone told me to stop living in the problem; live in the solution.

I grappled with this idea for a week or so--what does it mean?  How do I apply it in life?

And, it means just what you said.  Don't dwell on our problems.

Then, try to think what we can do in life to be helpful to others.

--Eye.

I fell and havn't been able to pick myself up properly.
I even got myself to avoid this site.
Why? I ask myself, how could I be so stupid.
Why am I so out of control.

Live in the solution.
Some days it's easy, here I just fell over, like I had no foundation to stand on.
Perhaps the small things add up and erode away at my foundations without me noticing.

Just need to be clean for today, to get this mess out of my head.
Need to build up a foundation...

ToAdd

ToAdd wrote on 20 Dec 2010 10:03:


Oh my!  I can't believe I missed this before!

Yes, a change in attitude reduces the triggers.

ESPECIALLY, when we look at the world, is our attitude, "What can I take!"  Or, "How can I be of service."

And, is my attitude that THINGS SHOULD GO MY WAY, or am I prepared to accept the world on Hashem's terms, whatever may happen.

EGO verses HUMILITY.

--Eye.

Eye, I'm busy reading RAMCHAL's The ways of the Tzadikim.
I'm only half way through and already I want to read it a second time.
It's causing an internal battle because I find change difficult
  (and I found that whenever I try change, the Y"H gets a boost to try stop the change)

Someone at work said that I have no ego.. lol.
I just don't have that ego that sits on public display.
I get angry when things don't go my way though.
I'm not very consistent in that respect - I was robbed once and lost almost all my posessions - I remained happy because I had 100% faith that this was H"s will - but someone at work took my lunch - I was angry, How dare they!

It's all linked (simplified version):
Anger = the frustration felt when the world does not work the way I want it to
Envy = a branch of anger: I want things which I do not have
Lust = a branch of envy: She is a specific thing I do not have but want
  That's how lusting started for me anyway, then the 'She' became abstract and the lines linking eveything became blurred.

I know that H" runs the world and every detail in it, but my Y"H manages to pull the wool over my eyes. Wool marked with forbidden desires; and I forget who's in charge - or rather I forget about H"s world and turn to my own, where I'm in charge.

It's like I know where I want to go, but don't have the energy to get there, to overcome this clown that's put in my way, distracting me with tricks and trinkets.
That's me being lazy. My zeal seems to have dwindled.
That could possibly be caused by my physical state. I'm not as fit as I used to be.
Perhaps my unfit body is pulling the rest of me down.

Doctor, it hurts every time I do this - Just don't do it - How difficult can that be?
This takes so much work, unlike sitting in front of a movie with a bag of crisps and a soda.
There's no time in the day for exercise - but how much for tv?

I am going home, to help my wife prepare for Shabbos.
She needs my help and I will be happy helping her.

Good Shabbos everyone!

So, basically, you have admitted to being a human being.  That's okay, lots of us are in the same boat.

Shavua Tov,

  --Eye.

I'm human? But my mother keeps on saying I'm an angel!

Day 4
I made it through that day, that day where I had all the opportunity to fall, no one to hold me back, and I did it.

My feelings and desires are just pointed in the wrong direction.
Please God, help me direct my energy in the right direction:
Turn my love from my body towards my family
Turn my desire to seek dirty images towards seeking Torah
Turn my lazyness towards being lazy to do wrong
Turn my forgetfulness towards only forgetting the bad things I have seen
Turn my memory towards remembering the Truth
Turn my confort seeking towards meditating on what's True
Oh and btw, my Y"H would like the day off...

Many Thanks

After a few years of working an issue back to it's source, I found that my initial idea of what was wrong was true and I had gone full circle back to the beginning.
What do I have now that I did not have then?
Firstly, working out the answer is far more rewarding
Secondly, now I have definitions for everything. It didn't help me before that I knew I felt anger when I did not have a clear definition of what anger was.
Now that I know that anger is "the frustration I feel when things do not go my way, I can simply ask myself "Who am I that this should go my way? What's so bad if it doesn't".

Up for the week-end but again down on the Monday.
Perhaps it's me trying to extend the comfort of the week-end a little longer.