To add that was a choshuva post!

ToAdd wrote on 16 Nov 2010 10:06:


Toadd, that is a heavy burden to bear, all those tears that never ran their course. i feel for you.

....and i love that last line. sounds like a good tagline.
and laughing so hard you start crying can be like a sneak-attack on the 'boys-don't-cry' corp.

ToAdd wrote on 16 Nov 2010 10:06:
I'm the type who really had to work to find those parts of me that are sad, disappointed, unable to connect lovingly with others. Instead, I learned over the years to connect lovingly with myself. (Sometimes in good ways, and sometimes in the ways that brought me here to GYE.)

There's another type of guy, though, whose sadness is so visible and intense that there's no work involved in finding it, only in giving it some comfort and letting it heal. If I'm reading your post accurately, your childhood puts you in this other category, ToAdd. I'm not seeing how to trust in (true) intimacy before you let yourself shed a few tears for those old scars. But then again, I don't know you and I'm only reading in what my own life can see. But keep truckin. This is a safe place to let your keyboard short out from saltwater.

Mazel Tov.  Life changes with each child (and we have almost nothing to do with it). 

My wish for you is that your tears will be a "bottoming out from on top".

I think we have to want to turn to Hashem badly enough that we can either walk on by the nisayon or even the urge, or that we can treat the urge like a hot potato and jump away from it TO Hashem and to our little hishtadlus. 

I think that WANTING to turn or jump away from our wanting to give ourselves to the yh comes from bottoming out from on top or bottom.

May you let yourself be a man different from the boy of your childhood.  A man who cries, and cries out to his Creator. 

Nachamu Nachamu.

Thanks all.

Briut, you're spot on, but it's pretty deep. My emotions are very visible to everyone and I can feel the emotions of everyone around me. Sometimes I can't distinguish the source, the pain of those around me is my pain. I can see that those around me are affected.
I guess that's called empathy.
But it's probably also why I hide it, so as not to draw people into my misery.

My beautiful wife has just brought a beautiful child into the world, I should be extatic, I need help.
Maybe it's the lack of sleep, or maybe I'm lactose intollerant and I just ate a bowl of cereal.
Maybe I'm in this emotional state to draw the issues to the surface

I ran to my fantasies last night to get away from being over tired and restless and frustrated.
To that world where there are no problems, that world entirely within my head. I did not fall, but I was close.

Hashem, I can't do this without you, please, Father help me!

ToAdd wrote on 17 Nov 2010 09:04:

That's a big change, and every change, even a positive one, creates stress.

Besides, your wife is probably post-birth haywire.

And, probably concerned about the baby.  Those first few days and weeks--OH MY, IS SHE EATING!  DID SHE EAT!  WE NEED TO WEIGH HER!  AND IS THAT DIAPER THE RIGHT COLOR!  OH MY!  Or something to that affect.

[I imagine you "wives of addicts" get a kick out of these posts].

Can be pretty intense.  It's no surprise you want to escape.

Hang in there. 

And, congrats you didn't act out there.  sounds like you overcame a huge temptation there.

Mazel Tov again, and KUTGW!

--Eye.

Day 20.


It was the same last night. I'm basically slipping (and wanting to) but not letting it go all the way.
This is still wrong. I have no will to go all the way anymore but I am pushing the boundaries.

Although, not acting out is a big accomplishment and I thank H” for getting me there.
Aside from that fall three weeks ago, I haven’t gone to a bad website in about four months.
That is actually huge; Before joining it was a daily ritual.
Posting helps. This has lifted my spirits, looking at what I’ve gained. I hit a bump in the road, that’s all. Just need to point the truck in the right direction again. Actually, the truck is still pointed in the right direction, it was just a bump that unsettled me.

Hey ToAdd,

Hope you are doing well. Kol hakavod for fighting this! There are many gedorim that are mentioned on the site that might prevent you from slipping > falling (partner/sponsor, 12 steps, TaPHSiC, etc.). You may have done all that but if you didn't, it may help you to stop the slipping.

Big mazal tov and keep strong!

Toadd,
you are making progress! keep at it and keep building yourself and you will get there be'h.
zs

Thank you.

I think it was just the pressure.
Last night was fine, sat down with a book instead.
There is no habit behind it like there used to be and no frustration when I catch myself and stop.

Today, I'm happy with where I am, with where I'm going.
The other day I said "Maybe I'm in this emotional state to draw the issues to the surface".
It has done that and I'm dealing with some old issues from the past.

I can be me now -
I am not a slave to society.
I must do what's right in Hashems eyes and that's all that counts.

Good shabbos everyone

ToAdd

Good Shabbos to you, too!

beautifull

It's Monday, day 24.
That means three weeks have passed.
I resisted a large amount of temptation at the party we threw yesterday for baby Rebecca; and I was saved from seeing things I know I should not look at.

It's difficult when one is conditioned to do certain things and now goes against it, being pulled in one direction and pushing in the other.

Hashem has helped me in so many ways. On one hand I feel it's wrong to expect him to help me, on the other I feel I must have faith that he will help me.
Am I so arrogant to say I deserve his help for the effort I put in, am I putting on a facade by saying I don't deserve what he's doing for me?

All I can say is thank you for what you have done and what you are doing; and help me that when I cry out, it is with sincerity from my heart and that my needs not be dictated by another organ.

Plan with your head and act with your heart.

ToAdd

Not much toadd.
That's a good thing.

No real battles to report.

Still the occasional thought of stuff I've seen in the past.
It's amazing at how one can see a million images on the net and quickly forget about them, but a single thing seen in real life can come back to you years later.

It's probably because when looking at the net, one seens hundreds of images and does not spend much time on each one, but in real life, there's more excitement to a single image or event and I recalled that memory often.

If I stop bringing that image into my mind, it should just wast away, like the millions of other things I have forgotten.