Good luck.

with you and wishing you the best

Thanks guys.
The last 24 hours have been tough, but my current focus is "deal with this like a grown up".

There are some external factors:
1 - My Iron levels are probably low from not eating meat. Must go to buy supplements.
2 - Lack of sleep. A difficult one that I have almost no control over, which is both a cause and a result of RID

RID. This morning, I talked myself through everything that was bothering me and what parts of that I caused and what I didn't.
The things I did wrong I am sorry about, but I'm also human and was brought up to behave that way.
Thank you for showing me my mistakes and for showing me that people do not like to be told what they're doing wrong.
I am NOT to point out other people's mistakes unless they ask or I am certain they want to know
I must learn to accept other people's criticism as either their own opinion and / or a chance to better myself.
Even if it hurts, it comes from a place of love.

Feeling better now, my thoughts are back under control.

A slip on Saturday night.
I think it was a necessary reminder to get back on track.
I've renewed my vigilance by reading The ways of the tzadikim again. I hope to finish the book by Rosh Hashanah.

To overcome a negative train, one must distance himself from it to the extreme for a long time.

Wishing everyone lots of strength.

ToAdd

I posted this on another thread, but I think I need to advise it to myself:

Lust is when we focus on the physical aspect of another right?
Love is when we focus on the virtues of another. Think of someone you love and write down the reasons why you love them. Most people write things like "I love them because they're caring, kind, generous" etc.
So, everytime you see someone (anyone, especially someone you would normally lust over), think about what virtues they may have. "She is gentle, she looks determined, she's a good mother, she's shopping therefore providing for others".

Without having any solid facts about the person, you're free to invent them in your mind as you wish. So what do you wish them to be - an object for your own use or someone great?

Feeling good today.
Taking some Iron supplements and I think it’s helped in a big way.

I may only be three days on the chart but I’m feeling like it’s been over 90 days. I’m not struggling with lust or my emotions.
I’ve found a balance where I see it clearly (or at least clearer than before).
The acting out is not directly under my control. The temptation comes and goes like the way the moon waxes and wanes.

This Shabbos I gained a deeper understanding of my soul which came with a deeper connection to Hashem, my wife and everything.

This program and eveyone here was definately a big help in getting me to this point where I could see the difference between my selfish acts and who I can be if I put my self aside.

A big thanks and Yosher Koach to everyone who has helped me.

Please Hashem, never let go of me.

עקב תשמעון, פרש"י מצוות שאדם דש בעקביו
maybe it means this struggle of keeping clean
and on that the torah will return the great sechar of
וברך פרי בטנך
that our children will be blessed

ToAdd wrote on 15 Aug 2011 06:43:


What was it?

Sounds nice but what does מצוות שאדם דש בעקביו have to do with this? My understanding is that this is referring to mitzvas that we don't take seriously.

correct
but its a remez for spilling

the Imrai Chaim said this:
והיה עקב, ekev is roshei teivos Kadesh Atzmecha Bemutar, and by doing so you will be zocheh to 'vehaya', lashon simcha

Unfortunately my lack of Hebrew has excluded me from that part of the conversation.

Eye, I'm not sure how to explain it. I became aware of two distinct consciousness’s.
One was my normal self, selfish, only interested in the easy way – possibly a lower soul - the Nefesh Habehamis.
The other was connected to Hashem and only wants to do his will – possibly the Neshama.
I’m not sure if I’m using the right terms here, there’s a big gap for me between hearing the theory and actual experience.
I think that in making an effort to be clean, wanting to connect to my wife and to Hashem allowed me to see through this veil for a moment, to see the me that’s under all this physicality.
Here I claim it was my effort, more likely Hashem decided to give me a moment of clarity.
I guess that leaves a third consciousness the “I” that had the experience in the first place – the Ruach?

Do I still want to behave like an animal after that? At times I am that Nefesh Habeamis only – nothing in the world exists outside my own needs.
I suppose that’s why our religion has daily prayers starting from the moment we wake up – to remind us that we are not animals, to wake up our Neshama and connect to it. What do you want to feed first, your stomach or your soul?

I have a lot of work to do, to undo old habits, to learn more, to do more.

why not leave the beheime where it is, and just use it lshem shomayim
everything you do is anyway some sort of profit for hashem, so just have in mind when you eat, sleep, go shopping, etc...
that i need to do that for the sake of avodas hashem
slowely the nefesh habahamies will weaken, and a task which there is no lshem shomayim involved will not be carried out
try it, hashem will help you
one day at a time
only today
then only tommorow

Thanks Jack
That is my plan.
"I have a lot of work to do" - I need to get on with my daily work in order...
"...to undo old habits" - replace them with productive habits.
", to learn more, to do more." - To learn more Torah and to do more avodas Hashem.

I have also been trying to make myself more aware of what I am doing right now. Why do I do this? Could this hurt someone?