Things haven't been too good lately.
The battle seems to get harder for me around rosh chodesh for some reason.
It's like I was liberated then attacked on the way out. (hmmm sounds familiar)

After this morning's davening, I feel very close to H" again and together we can overcome this.

Things still a bit rocky.
Some RID because of a project I'm morking on at work that I'm not sure I'm winning on.
To make it through this moment is all I ask.

And of course, being aware that the urges come from RID is always important. Glad to hear that you're still trucking!

I'm feeling a bit ...lost
I'm battling to get myself into work mode and that's not good.
It's causing the RID.

I know exactly what work I have to do, but I'd rather do something else; and that's not good at all.
It's like my mind just doesn't want to churn out work anymore.
Perhaps I'm filled with doubt? Even that statement is a doubtful question.

This dreamer wants to remain in his dreams.

On the positive side, I just made it through a tough moment.
Stop thinking about doing the work and just do it!

There was much help from Hashem, which made things easier.
Thanks Hashem for being by my side.

Haven't been here for a while
I have been very busy with work.

I was doing fine until Monday, then things started to build up and I lost control.
Time to get back onto my feet...

Still battling to find my feet.
Once the temptation sets in, it's difficult to stay away.

I must not think of the green elephant, with rough wrinkly skin, long eyelashes, deep brown eyes, huge feet and odd toes.

Perhaps I’m just losing my mind?

Just get on with your life, ToAdd. That stuff isn’t part of your life, there’s so much other stuff that is.

So where am I now?
What caused this last fall?

I was somehow under the impression that it's okay if it's just in my head - as long as I don't actually look at something external. It's okay when old memories pop up to follow them with my imagination. Sigh.

If a thought comes into my head, it's the same as if a desirable woman walks past me:
I can not control that, but what I can control is how I deal with it.
Do I carry on walking or do I take a second look? Do change direction and follow what I just saw?
If I keep it alive in my head, it will not take long before it has control over my entire mind and then what is left of me to not act out?

ToAdd wrote on 03 Jun 2011 11:27:


I'm on the verge of acting out, since last night.

I know that, part of the remedy, is getting these things out of my head.  When they're in my head, they're the most dangerous.

I don't mean that acting out my fantasies is better than thinking about them.  I mean, to tell people what's going on in my lustaholic mind.

So, I'm trying to call people and tell them how I am feeling down about life right now.  Nobody was around, so I'm just posting about it.

The last time I fell, I saw that the main thing I was doing wrong was that I was out of touch with people, especially people from GYE and the 12-step program.  By the time I tried to reach out, things had been festering for way too long already so it didn't help much.  I was already slipping and falling pretty seriously.  So, I'm trying to reach out before I reach total distress.  I'm trying to stay in touch even when I don't feel like I'm in a crisis.

It's helping, thank G-d, and I pray I won't act out today.

--Eye.

Eye,
Thanks for visiting my thread. I hope you had a good Yom Tov.
I'm not sure if you're posting your own experience or just reading my mind.

Some emotional issues have been getting me down.
I go to shul, daven, connect to Hashem and everything feels great.
Then I get home and my mind goes back to those painful times. Then it automatically seeks ‘more pleasant’ images, comforts of the wrong kind, to cheer me up I guess.
Like a drunk that seeks happiness (or numbness) at the bottom of a bottle.
I was reading about David Ha Melech, how he was able to handle the pain and isolation. I am not that strong, I snapped.

Or did I?
Hashem put me in those situations and I did not have control of the outcome.
Hashem was teaching me a great lesson. My mother has stopped speaking to my sister again because she was offended by her. “I will not speak to her until she apologises” my mother said. This type of thing has happened many times before, silence lasting years. My thought was “Thank God I am seeing this and recognising that this is how I was taught to behave. God forbid I should miss out on years of relationship with my children because I am waiting for an apology, especially for something I provoked.”

Hashem, sometimes I forget that I am only here to carry out your will and only think of myself. Please forgive me.
Right now I can see that the pain is that of healing. Please Hashem, heal me completely.
Open my Heart completely, especially to those that love me, to your Torah and to You.
Help me identify friend from foe so that I can drop my shield and not attack those that mean me no harm.
Help me see that YOU are my shield, my rock and my redeemer, at all times.

Lots of love to all.

Day 10
My last fall seems so long ago, so far away.

So what's so different today compared to those days I could not control myself?

One thing, in the last few days, when those thoughts have arrived, I've mostly been able to ignore them and think about something else.
I can apply the same to my lazy thoughts - when those excuises arrive, rather think about how it will all be over with if I just do it. Why wait for the usual person to deal with those dirty dishes when I can do it myself?

If I am not for me, who will be?

Hi

I poped in cos your thread kind of sounds like my head. Thank you for your honesty, you partly prevented my fall just now.

Maybe I am wrong, but hey, you can delete this message. Do you have a problem with facing difficulties at work? If you do, then we have a similar problem. I too procrastinate, like just now: I am trying to stay clean, instead of trying to work.

:

Well, there is a good book by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin: Taking Action. Ok, maybe it's not your cup of tea, but it does help me. 

So all the best to you ToAdd. And thanks!

yehoshua wrote on 13 Jun 2011 19:21:


Thank you Yehoshua.
That actually made me laugh because I made a very similar post a while back.
I read that book not too long ago, perhaps I should read it again.

I am battling at work. I'm really not enjoying the project I've been on for the last few months.
It probably would have been over weeks ago if I had just knuckled down and finished it.
Yesturday, I managed to go just about the whole day without doing anything productive on this project!
It has been causing RID and that's not good.

Okay,
Today I am going to focus and do this task with Joy!

But first...
...something to eat...

ToAdd wrote on 14 Jun 2011 06:08:


It has I have been causing RID and that's not good.

--Eye.

Thanks for the correction Eye.

I cause my own RID.
I am letting myself be lazy.

I am the captain of this ship.
I may not be able to change the wind, but I can adjust the sails!