My guard seems to be down (or rather low).
I'm just not being as strong as I was a few days ago.
Its amazing how a slip can have an effect that lasts for days.

Just leave it in the past and put the truck into second gear...

ToAdd wrote on 02 Mar 2011 05:39:

good idea there..

or:

Just put the truck into second gear. Start/continue cruising. As long as you don't tie it down to the truckbed, it will fall off, or rather fly off! 

I found myself going totally off the rails for a while.
I don't even want to think about it, because that makes me think about 'it'

Back into first gear. I didn't break down, didn't crash, just went of the road a bit.

Today is Friday, yay!
Good Shabbos Everyone!

A gut Shabbos to you!!!

I've been tumbling since my last post.
Looking at pn as if it were a normal thing to do.
Emotions have been high and that's probably what's been causing it.
I've also noticed that I seem to go downhill at the end of the month.

Just don't do it!

ToAdd

Not doing too well.
Battling to get out of neutral and into first gear.

i feel your pain ToAdd,
keep reaching out to people and to Hashem

I find that when I reach out to Hashem, it seldom gets easier, it usually gets harder.
Perhaps he's putting me in a position where I need to make an extra effort so that the victory is greater?

Well, I'm going to try cutting out ALL unnecessary internet. I'm sure that's what I did right in the beginning and it worked. It's just a waste of time anyway.

Gut Shabbos!

great idea. the less u surf the web the better.. keep up the good work..

ToAdd it is always inspiring to read a thread like yours. Yes the are ups and downs but the constant theme is a yearning to be better and closer to Hashem. Hang in there and continued hatzlacha.

Thanks ur-a-jew.
Lots of ups and downs here, I didn’t think any of it was inspiring.

What have I learnt from this recently?
That I turn to pn when I'm down. As I child I was not allowed to express my emotions, so I turned to myself for comfort.
Then there was a yearning. Initially, it was not for intimacy, just for affection. But, probably because of my m* habit, I only tried to find ‘intimacy’.
I had seen so many people for help. So many psychologists. What on earth do these people study that none of them ever managed to identify any of the actual issues? A profession based on getting the customer to come back, and for this they just need to make him feel better, never actually solving his problem or they lose their recurring income.
Or perhaps it’s the patient that never truly opens up? Perhaps it’s the dual personality, and the good guy comes out when you’re in his secure office.

Purim – my ‘party’ is over.
Lots of thoughts going on in my head on this.
Maybe more on this later…

ToAdd

If the goal is perfection maybe I would agree that its no so inspirational. But if the goal is as discussed in yesterday's chizzuk email a ratzon and a yearning to get closer to Hashem then it is very inspiring.  Continued Hatzlacha

I don't get the chizzuk emails any more.
So I unsubscribed and re-subscribed - I get the email saying I'm on the list, odd.

I truly yearn to get closer to Hashem but sometimes I lose all focus, I forget that I'm not here just to satisfy my own selfish needs.
The small things add up so quickly. Like a snowball at the top of a mountain starting to roll...

I'm back in first gear. I think the wishes of Hatzlacha help. Thanks ur-a-jew

Hatzlacha to all.
Good Shabbos
Good Purim.

ToAdd

Sunday night I fell.
My mind is not in a good place.
I'm feeling down, angry.
I really can't do this to myself anymore.

Baby steps. You need to pick yourself up before you can walk and walk before you can run.
How do you truly start again? How do you heal?