Chaim, that was a great post.  Thanks for sharing it and continue hanging in there just for today.  And you can tell your Y"H that we will reset your count on the "no googling video store hours" clock but don't even consider going near my sobriety count.

Yeah, Chaim, I really "hear you" about the temptation to jump in, just one (more) time. I often feel as if I'd spend less energy on inappropriate thoughts if I just went ahead, did it, saw how pointless it was, and then have something to use as ammunition the next time the YH comes around to beg.

The best answer I've found so far is like this:
"Hi, guy. Thanks for suggesting that I . And I know you say you've got my best interests at heart. So, SINCE you DO , please excuse me for an hour until I do this particular mitzvah/ element of kedusha / tefila b'tzibur ' etc. After all, if you're really GOOD and not from that OTHER SIDE that doesn't have my own best interests in heart at all... you'll be happy if I do this.

So I "promise" that I'll be back in an hour and I'll do whatever it was you were suggesting that sounded like such a great idea any more. And IF YOU DON'T LET ME... THEN YOU'RE NOT REALLY GOOD AT ALL. SO LET ME GO FOR AN HOUR AND WE'LL TALK LATER.

Or something like that.

I don't know if this helps you in your straits, but it helps me sometimes. - Briut

It's a real blessing to be able to check in this morning and report that googling the store hours was as far as things went yesterday.  I got a call from a GYE guy about 12:00 which was great and go to air out how I was feeling.  I then had a couple of other conversations with some other guys in the afternoon and at night at my kids b-ball practice.  This was great because at her last basketball practice (which is held at a fitness center) I was really letting my eyes wander.  Last night - B"H it wasn't an issue.

So thanks to the guys who gave chizuk on this forum yesterday.  I didn’t get the chance to respond, but I read your messages and they are a lift for me.  Settling for progress instead of perfection is a new thing for me – and usually after I cross any threshold I am off to the races.  It’s good to realize that I can still stand my ground, but please Hashem help me stay away from dangerous thresholds for a while.

So every one of the guys I talked to yesterday asked me what was causing me so much angst.  I told everyone, that it wasn’t any one thing, it was everything.  That seemed right at the time, but as night rolled around, I began to sense that it was really Hashem saying – “Chaim, come talk to me.  I miss you.”  I have not been talking to the Boss except in a more rote way.  I think I was at a crossroads, and perhaps we are always at a crossroads.  We can in any moment choose our way or Hashem’s way.  With some many years of going my way, inertia will always take me down the same path.  Therefore, I need to be seeking conscious contact with HKB”H – good times, bad times all the time.  So this morning, I am going to block out a little time to do that.

Gut Shabbes to everyone.

Chaim, it's great to hear that nothing more happened yesterday.
good point you have there about talking to the RBSO in a focused way and not by rote.
have a great shabbos
zs

Hope all are having a good day.  B"H we've made it to the launch of GYE #5!!!

chaim77 wrote on 13 Dec 2010 18:01:

Congrats!

It's called a launch and learn program!

As we get ready for the taanis I saw this article from Aish.  The question is why the siege day is such a tragic day.  Afterall, no one was killed on this day.  R. Weinberg states that the tragedy is that we failed to grasp the message of the siege and to do t'shuva.  How similar this is to lusting.  We may feel the triggers of lust come on strong and lay siege to us - but do we listen to the message behind the lust or do we simply resign ourselves to be destroyed?

This morning, I have been siezed by the desire to escape.  I'm praying that Hashem show me the message of the siege.  But most of all I'm screaming out to the RBS"O - "Don't let me shut down!  Don't let me turn my heart off!  Help me keep talking to you!  I know I won't get it figured out today.  I know I won't repair all the tremendous damage to my life in the blink of an eye, but I know You will help me keep clean today if I can keep my heart honest, open and willing.  Please help me keep this line of communication open with you!  Don’t let me slip back into my own little world!”  As I pray this I can feel myself strengthened.

Here’s the thing.  I have stayed clean and sober for huge long stretches, but really I failed to grow enough and therefore I was still not recovered from the loss of choice of whether I would act out again or not.  I was willing, but only up to a point.  In past experiences, the urges like I’ve been having this morning had largely subsided by about day 20 or so of sobriety.  Here I am 2 weeks past that and I get a fierce attack.  In my heart I really feel like G-d is sending me the message that this time it is going to be different and he is not going to settle for just having part of me – I feel he wants all of me – EVERY SQUARE INCH OF MY BEING.  It is as if when HKB”H senses that I am starting to pull away to do it my way that – BAM!!! – He hits me with the lust.

Here’s the link to the article on Aish.  Definitely a lot of recovery themes in there as well as a potent message for klal Israel.

www.aish.com/jw/j/48960291.html

Here's the link for those that are interested in reading first hand.

www.aish.com/jw/j/48960291.html

Here we are.  I don't feel great today, but that's okay.  I'm trying to learn not to grasp on to a bad feeling and get worked up about it. My perspective is that if I'm feeling RID, I need to make it go away and I tend to get wrapped around the axle with angst until I can medicate.  I need to remind myself that it's okay to feel a little worked up.  It doesn't have to lead to a slip or fall.  And if I hang in there, make some calls and shift my perspective to something else and enjoy a bit of repreive.  And that, chevre, is how I am sober right now.

chaim77 wrote on 14 Dec 2010 15:13:
Wow. You were just "strumming my words with your fingers, singing my life with your song." Thanks for putting it down so clearly that it resonated so personally. Wow.

If I can't be honest here, then it is going to be hard for me to be honest anywhere.  I had a slip yesterday and today.  But if it wasn't for this chavrusa and much siyata dishemiya, I am convinced that it would have happedned 2 weeks ago if not longer.  As it what is was 38 days and while not easy I treasure them for the lessons I've learned and the relationships I have established.  This stretch of sobriety - while not my longest - took me into some places within myself and with HKB"H that I had not been before.  I have a taste now of what recovery could be in my life.  I am a bit stunned right now, but before the Y"H tries to keep me down, I need to remind myself what I have accomplished during this stretch.

1. I have a filter on my computer now that I can’t seem to get around and I don’t have the password for.
2. I have made it through my first week of the 12 step calls
3. I have been blessed by relationships with several chaverim in the program and have made a habit of talking on a regular basis
4. I have been able to admit when I was feeling weak and scared and talk about it with another
5. I have davened and prayed and talked to the RBS”O like I never have in my life

My thinking is a little foggy right now from the fast and earlier today.  We talked in our 12 step group about making resolutions as part of the addiction cycle as opposed to making a decision to become men in recovery.  I want to choose to become a man in recovery.  The action that decision calls for is to be honest here and to keep on keeping on.

Keep it up chaim

l'CHAIM!

Yeow.  I can't believe I haven't posted in 2 weeks.  It is what it is though.  B"H for Duvid Chaim's call and being able to talk to other guys in the program on the phone.  Day 11 here.  But forget the count for a moment because I can feel that I have grown.  There's things happening.  I need to switch gears here, so I can't get into it, but there are some things being awaken in me...   

great to hear
keep up your great work!

Fantastic - one day at a time, enjoy being clean!