I am feeling so broken and distraught as I write this.  I feel at a complete loss.  I have struggled with this addiction and fought it for 20 years and it has beaten me again and again.  I had 18 months of sobriety ending with a slip this past April.  Now I struggle to get through one day without acting out. 

Yet with all that I am so grateful I have found this site and this community.  I have tasted extended sobriety.  I believe that I can get back there, but right now I feel like I'm burried in a tunnel.  I can't think.  I can hardly focus.  i can hardly even sit up and type this.  All I can do is to groan from the depths of my broken heart.  Help me, Father in Heaven!  Please help me!  I have nothing left.  I can't fight this anymore.  Not one more day.  It's got me beat. 

Dear Chaim,

Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information…

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week… This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc… So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not…

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook

This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude

The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

May Hashem be with you!

CHAIM TAKE IT FROM A UN-PROFESSIONAL

FORGET FIGHTING THE ADDICTION

DON'T ACT ADDICTED

LIKE UR REBBE SAID IN THE 7TH GRADE

BIST NISHT KLEEG..MACH ZICH KLEEG

chaim77 wrote on 26 Oct 2010 21:39:


You are at the real beginning.  You've arrived.  From the bottom we have no illusions about ourselves.  There is nothing left to do but follow orders. Just take little steps.  One day.  One hour.  No matter.  You've given up on your power and your will.  Now you can let Hashem take you from here.

Stay in touch.  You can do this.

Chaim,

Welcome.

Dont fear- you are in the right place.

I've walked in the same path. Once i have joined the community and phone conference It changed my whole approach to cleaning up. You know that you have it in you.  The 12 step calls have opened a new world for me. I believe it can do the same for you as well.

Keep on posting.

David

-- Quote from: chaim77 on October 26, 2010, 11:39:26 PM ---
I have nothing left.  I can't fight this anymore.  Not one more day.  It's got me beat. 

--- End quote ---


In recovery they say

Hit rock bottom while u r still on top


Bards say

You can hit the top even if u r on the bottom

How bards how??

Act

Make it an act

Act clean


KOT

B

Thanks to all for your support.  I don't feel great today, but I almost feel good.  For the first time in a long time I don't feel alone.  I have been working to get the filter set up but I've been struggling to get K9 to install correctly on my machine.  I have to drive to Chicago this afternoon and will be up there with my in laws for the next several days.  I am planning to try again on the K9 up there and see if I can get it up and running appropriately.

I've been in touch with the password gabbai and G-d willing will erase my password and  have the gye e-mail as the registered e-mail.  I just want to make sure that it works appropriately.  I don't need to do much online (banking, stocks, e-mail, travel, weather and some news).  But I need to make sure those features will work consisently.  There was part of me that was concerned because I heard that filters will make a machine run slower.  Then I think back to the countless hours I hve squandered over the past 15 years on the web.  Fast is slow.








n

pat yourself on the back, good work. putting in a filter is vital and is a deterrent against getting into trouble. it is not the final solution to this battle but it is a great tool. and getting out of isolation is another important factor in helping with this.

keep up the good work!

when i got the filter although i didnt feel results right away (but there were resuts i just didnt realize) with time, you start to notice that  it had massive results.
its a massive step towards sobriety

Shavua Tov to all.  I wanted to check in before shabbes but we were running around trying to get ready at my in-laws house where we have been staying since Thursday.  We head back home for a 10 hour drive today.

I wanted to check in.  On erev shabbes I was feeling very triggery.  Not that I was going to act out right then (fortunately shabbes has been a safe haven in acting out) but I was thinking about my schedule next week and how I had open time and...

I had a good conversation with another guy in the program.  I told him that I was really concerned about my ability to stay honest.  I mentioned how I had been in a group and had seen a therapist in the past and in the end I was lying to each of them.  Honesty and sobriety are very similar.  I can't control whether I'm honest or sober tomorrow - I can only influence right now.  For now it feels good to be 5 days clean although I physically hurt and feel very low on energy. 

It's been  good to be at my in laws because there is lots of opportunity to help out to help n the kitchen or wash dishes or take kids to the park.  There's always a diaper to change or a juice cup to fill.  Baruch Hashem for being able to help out constructively - otherwise I think too much!

A last point I want to check in on.  I still am having issues with the filter.  I am working with gabbai sheni to find some time to get it installed properly.  G-d willing that should be done i the next 24 hours!

hi Chaim, thanks for checking in.

it's great that you are working on getting the filter right with the gabai sheni. and what you wrote about keeping busy is very true. the Kotzker Rebbe said that he does not want his chasidim not to do aveiros because you are not allowed to, rather because they are too busy. and being bored, hungry, lonely, angry and/or tired are prime time for the urges. the trick is to know yourself and recognize when the urges are coming and deal with them by reaching out to someone or distracting yourself.
keep us posted, every effort and every exertion is precious and can give chizuk to others.
gutte voch and have a safe trip
zs

Welcome aboard, Chaim.

I'm also a newbie.

One of the great things about this holy place is that you can be 100% honest, and that's such a relief. Nobody knows who you are anyway. If you lie here, it's mamash just lying to yourself.

Spill your guts out here. It's such a relief. My experience so far has been that when i've felt really awful and lousy and posted about it here, the feelings have eased up a bit. I've shared. Someone who cares will see it, emphathise, sympathise, whatever. I've got it out.

Much love, and much hatzlocho,

AA

If you lie here you are lying to yourself. A classic line.

Checking in day 6…  Today is a big day.  I’m in sales and have a lot of unstructured time and am pretty much my own boss.  Today I just hope to throw myself into my work and be absorbed in it – otherwise I get to thinking and thinking can lead to…

I did something that I should have done a long time ago this morning which was to position my monitor facing the door of my office so it is visible to all who pass by. 

The K9 filter seems to be working okay this morning.  I still have the password and have not deleted it.  I am trying to visit with Gabbai Sheni first to make sure I have all the technical issues hammered out before I delete the password on this side.  I work in securities and need to make sure I have access to legitimate websites.  I would love to hear some feedback on folks that have used K9.  Does it tend to work without fail when properly installed?  My particular problem is that it was blocking all access to the web saying that it could not connect with the Bluecoat website.  Now it seems to be working well.

At this point though, I am willing to settle for less than 100%.  G-d willing I’ll be able to connect with Gabbai Sheni soon and get this password erased.

Another task is to call some fellows in the program.  I have gotten a couple of numbers and have been encouraged to call and call and call to break the isolation.  This will be a big change from my go-it-alone strategy for almost all aspects of my life.  I can see where that approach has gotten me.  I pray for willingness and courage to try something different and break my isolation.

For now it’s good to check in on day 6 and be feeling calm, sane, sober and not alone.

It might be easier for you to hold the password untill you work out all the issues and figure out which setting works for you and than change password and give to gabai.