hatzlocha in everything
have a great shabbos!

Shavua tov, ya'll.  Day 20 here.  Not much time to write since we are getting ready to drive home in 20 minutes.  Just have to feed the baby and we're off in the car for 9 hours!

Great  8), still climbing the wall together (also @day 20).

Have a safe trip home...

nine hours multiplied by ______ kids and wife equals ______ of rid.
Hatzlacba

We made it!  My rid wasn't actually so bad after the drive, but my wife's was quite high.  It was her birthday and needless to say, this was not the way she would have preferred to spend it.  Thanks to all for the audio recommendations.  On the way home we actually ended up listening to a book on tape as a family about a guy who runs ultramarathons.  His longest run is 226 miles without stopping.  It was both inspiring and disturbing at the same time.  What's amazing is the guy works a fulltime job and has a family too and somehow balances the running with those things.  Listening to this guy's story makes it seem harder for me to complain for having too much to do.  It puts me in a panic and is probably the number one source of rid in my life.  I see others around me who seem to do so much more than me and they seem to get by fine.

As I reflect on it though, I'm not convinced that having too much to do is the source of my rid.  That's life.  Everyone has too much to do and I don't think that can really be changed.  A bigger challenge is that I always feel like I should be doing something else.  If I'm making a phone call for the shul, I feel like maybe I should be making one for work instead.  If I'm working on one project at work, I worry that I should be working on another project.  If I'm mowing the lawn, I worry that maybe I should be fixing the dishwasher instead and so on and so on.  It basically drives me nuts.  I'm not lazy.  I like hard work.  I love getting in a project and really losing myself in the work.  But trying to get into a task when I’m not sure what I should really be doing is paralyzing and panic generating. 

This guy in the book talks about how he loves running because he knows exactly what he’s supposed to be doing when he’s doing it. 

So I don’t know what the answer is here.  As Zemirot Shabbat says, “try having a talk with the Boss.”  Right now, I’m getting better at the talking.  I just am basically praying that G-d guide my thinking but stam and particular issues as the arise.  The bigger mystery to me at this point is the listening.  How do I listen for the Boss’s response?

Today is day 21.  I can feel myself exiting the woods of withdrawal and feel more sunshine in general in life.

hi chaim,
it's very good to hear that the trip was safe and the RID was not too high, at least for you.

i struggle with the same type of issue, indecisiveness and over-analyzing a given issue or course of action until it becomes really hard to do anything without worrying whether i should be doing the other option. i don't know what the exact problem is but it is definitely wrong. seems the challenge is to know when to 'turn off' the thinking cap and trust in Hashem and yourself and try to live in the moment.

talking to the Boss is great for many reasons. listening for the response is something i also struggle with and i don't have any easy answers. but you can always try talking to Him about that as well.

i also have to realize that i am talking to a Being that is entirely unlike anything i can fathom and were He to suddenly knock on my front door with an overnight letter addressed to me from Him the consequences would be pretty radical, for me and everyone around me. am i ready to receive a communication from Hashem in the fashion of communication used between people? definitely not. for many reasons. it would blow out my mind, cause me to have an ego-explosion and probably cause me to lose whatever friends and family i have.

the response will come in much more subtle ways. in your heart and by external circumstances.

there is a sefer/book available in Hebrew and English by Rabbi Shalom Arush called 'In Forest Fields', it is all about personal prayer. there is another book called 'Where Earth and Heaven Kiss' by Rabbi Ozer Bergman, which is also about personal prayer. you might like them.

all the best
zs

An ok morning on 22.  I was feeling a little RID this morning.  I was groggy getting out of bed - happens when I eat too much for dinner.  My mind was wandering in davening and I was just having little things happening like dropping stuff.  A lot of minor irritations.  I was thinking about acting out on the long drive into my office today.  So I turn this over to G-d.  I can't handle this, I need His help in it.  Now I feel more at ease and I think today will be alright. 

ZS, thanks so much for your e-mail.  It's a real chizuk and your thoughts about how Hashem's response comes in much more subtle ways really makes sense.  Even more so, it seems that sometimes the response isn't really even a direct answer to my question, but perhaps even a challenge to my question.  It's as if when I calm down and ask for Hashem's guidance on an issue that I'm worked up about, I see that it's not really the issue at all. but that there's something deeper at play.  As I was talking about with someone on the phone last night, this is like learning to walk emotionally for the first time - as an adult!  We are going to go slow.  It will be clumsy and akward.  We may feel foolish.  We will stumble at times, but if we can reach out to HKB”H, we don't need to fall.  I don’t know about you all, but I’m sick of crawling around emotionally – even if I’m not acting out and all the pain that goes with it.

chaim77 wrote on 30 Nov 2010 16:00:

that's a great mashal!
part of working on recovery is being in touch with our emotions and seeing how we try to medicate ourselves when we feel stressed or excited. so people who started weaning themselves off the drug of porn and masturbation will be confronted with their emotions to an extent not felt in the past.

pass me the walker, please

This morning kicks of day 23.  From the boards, it looks like others are digging into the Rabbi Mizrachi shirum on emunah - incredible.  Absolutely mind boggling.  I do struggle with some of his concepts such as when he is talking about how Torah teaches not to save and to trust in Hashem such as with the manna in the desert.  Of course there is a challenge in this week's parsha as Yoseph is hoarding grain for the famine.  That seems to be a paradox.  I don't understand the paradox and I don't know that I need to.  Mizrachi's main point is that RBS"O knows what each of us need to live the way He would have us live and He provides us with that all the time.  We are never in lack.  We have all we need at all times to do what He would have us do - and there is no greater source of joy than the devekut that comes from doing His will.  Therefore, we have everything we need to be happy at all times.  Pshhhhh.....  I need to let that sink in.  Another conversation topic for me and the Boss, huh ZS?

definitely positively

Today is 24.  So far so good.  Work has been off-the-wall busy but I'm getting a lot of good help from my team members.  Last night I had a little run in with my wife - as will sometimes happen, we just weren't connecting on the same wave length and the more we tried the worse it got.  I started to get really irritated by it.  I could see even at the moment that it was just my ego being frustrated and not being able to make the situation "right."  I talked to G-d to let go of the feeling and ended up going to bed in a grumpy mood.  It guess it was at least better than my initial reaction which was to "figure out the situation" and fix it.  In retrospect that would have been much worse.  I probably should have gone into the garage and punched the heavy bag a bit though to "reset" my brain.  Todays back to normal.

Chanukah sameach y'all.

you have great awareness!

chanukah sameach!

SOUND LIKE YOU'RE DOING PRETTY GOOD THERE!

--Eye.

Now that I'm clearing the woods of withdrawal, it seems like my ha'karat ha tov is in high gear.  Anything seems possible.  Now I know this won't last or at won't least wont' come as easy as it coming right now.  I know that over the long term it will take work - dedicated consistent action to cultivate a new mindset to help me be spiritually healthy.  That of course is why I'm here, to learn from you all and why I am eagerly looking foward to starting the next 12 step flotilla launch on 12/13. 

Until then, I appreciate everyone putting up with my excessive positivity.  Suppose you're down, you're looking at your life and distraught at what it's become.  You are overwhelmed at the damage you've caused to yourself and others.  You're wondering how you can ever repair your life and "be someone."

To save a life…
I am always amazed by doctors, EMT’s and other emergency workers.  These always have seemed liked heros.  The people work in life saving professions.  Of course we know that it is HKB”H that sends us healing and rescue – but those in these professions have become the channel through which HKB”H can do that.  So what about the rest of us, particularly those of us with this horrendous disease who have seemingly sunk to such a level.

The sad truth is left untreated, I am going to die of this disease.  I have done things and escaped situations that leave no doubt in my mind of this fact.  But I’m not going to just die but in the process I am going to cause untold tzaras to those I love and well before I die, I will wish that I was dead a thousand times over.  But any one of you on this form can save my life and in fact, HKB”H is working through all of you collectively to save my life.  As an addict, I don’t believe anyone can really understand me but another addict.  No one can really break through and connect to me but another addict.  No one can penetrate the isolation that is suffocating me except another addict.    And it doesn’t really matter where you are on this ladder of recovery – ultimately (and I can testify to this first hand) a call from a newcomer who is still in throes of his addictive suffering can help keep me clean for that moment we are connecting.

So maybe you’re feeling down, you can remember this: when you participate in this forum, when you reach out to make a call you are mamash helping Hashem save a life of a Jew in peril.  Even if you’re feeling low and down and feel like you have nothing to give – if you are reaching out you are saving a life. 

Gut shabbos and chag Chanukah sameach.

Just checking in on day 28.  Had a good shabbos and yesterday was less good.  I found my shmirat anayim lacking somewhat at times during the day while we were out and about.  The main thing I was grateful about wat that I noticed it when my gaze would become fixed and I would feel bad and turn away.  There are times that I would not even notice and just keep looking.  I have been davening to find why I was off balance yesterday.  I think it has to do with a big board presentation I need to make next week and need to prepare for this week.  It's got me a little worked up.  All I can do is all I can do though.  So after I post this, I am going to calmly surrender myself to doing and while I do I am going to let go of worrying about the outcome or the 100 other things I feel like I should be doing at the same time.

A word on facebook.  I have made the decision to terminate my Facebook account.  First off, I can’t even check it since I have my K9 filter, but I still get invite messages.  So I get this e-mail message from a guy my wife used to date in college.  Now we are BT so please keep in mind that they were dating in this context. i.e. this is her ex-boyfriend.  In the invite to connect with him on facebook he actually asks for my wife’s e-mail so he can say hello.  At first (this shows how low my awareness of my boundaries is) I thought – well, that would be nice for her to hear from him.  Then I thought how she would feel if an old girlfriend of mine would try to get in contact with me.  I mean how utterly inappropriate is that!?!  Yet in the secular world, this is seen as normal – sick.  So my second reaction was to write this guy back and tell him that I didn’t think that him being in contact with my wife was appropriate and so on.  As of this morning, I feel like the best response is no response and to get rid of facebook.  I mean why do I want these people to be able to hunt me down and my wife down and know anything about me!!!