It's been since January since I last posted.  It's been a good couple of months in many ways with being on the 12 step calls.

All in all, in the last 2 weeks I've last traction in my sobriety.  It started with with me shutting down from my higher power and trying to manage my way through some very stressing fear and resentment inducing situations.  I remember that I had one particular day that I carried around a big bag of resentment at one of my family members (who I have not yet made 9th step amends to).  Within 3 days I was hit with tremendous lust and slipped.  That was about 7 days ago and I have been having trouble regaining traction.

All I know is that I am powerless.  I believe that the One who has the Power can restore me to sanity.  I am willing to do his will for me. 

chaim77 wrote on 20 May 2011 20:13:


I used to think, "okay, I did the 1st step, 2nd, and 3rd, and now I'm done with them, and now I'm doing the 4th step.  My problem now is because I have all these resentments and fears, and if only I could sit down and to the 4th step, I'll be rid of them and be all better."

But, the 12-steps is one cohesive program.  It's not 12 individual programs of 1 step each.

When I'm messed up somewhere around step 4, or 8, or 12, it means I've got to go back and get better footing on steps 1,2, and 3 also.

--Eye.

Eye.  So true.  Any resistance in a later step really in an opportunity to go back and revisit the first 3 steps. 

I have my dad coming into town this week and I'm looking forward to making my 9th step amends with him.  He is only in town for 24 hours.  We are hosting him for dinner so I'm am praying that Hashem will present me with the opportunity to make the amends while he is over to our house for dinner tomorrow night. 

I've been waiting for 2 months to do this and a couple of other amends with my sisters since they all live out of town and I don't see them often.  I keep hoping to wait and do these amends face to face, but it seems to be getting to the point that it's time to pick up the phone and do the best I can in that format rather than to get complacent. 

I know it's preferable to do these in person, but it seems like it's also preferable to do them sooner and not let them drag on forever, particularly since it doesn't look like I'll be face to face with either of my sisters for the next 6 months.

Any thoughts on this?

Well, it looks like we're hosting my Dad for dinner tonight.  I am praying that Hashem should grant me the opportunity during the evening to make my amends and allow me to do so with a humble and open heart.  I am looking forward to it.  I know Hashem wants me to do this and will provide me with the right opportunity.

In the meantime, it feels great to be sober today, to be able to focus on the task at hand and appreciate the blessings in my life. 

Not much else to share.  I better jump off now so I can be on the DC call at 12.

(I don't know if this is too late) Just remember, the results aren't up to you.  And, the goal of the ammends isn't to improve your relationship, although that is often a side-effect.  The goal is just to be responsible, and do your part, and clean up your side of the street.  To stop living in fear.

--Eye.

Incredible night last night.  I had been davening hard that Hashem should show the opportunity to make my 9th step with my Dad last night.  It wasn't easy as my 4 kids were crawling over him all evening.  I finally was able to let go and do it at the end of the evening.

I made my amends.  While I know it's not about the results and the reaction from him, it was very positive and it really opened up a door between the two of us that had been shut. 

Now I need to figure out a plan for doing my amends with my sisters.  I've been waiting til we could do it face to face, but they aren't coming through town for a while so I think it may just have to be over the phone. 

chaim77 wrote on 25 May 2011 18:54:


Maybe you can initiate some sort of get-together.

--Eye.

Eye, thanks for the idea of pulling together a get together.  As it happens - out of the blue, my little sister told me that she will be coming through town for a day in early June, so it looks like I may be my shot there to do my amends in person as opposed to over the phone.    Then my older sister thinks she's going to be coming through town in later June! 

G-d willing it should all come together.

Had an A&W moment yesterday at the grocery store.  I was going to get some groceries with my wife and I stopped and was just staring at the salad bar in this really fancy upscale grocery store.  I just marveled at all the incredible diversity of vegetables that were there.  As, we so much lock into one solution to our problems.  If I hurt I lust.  If I'm lonely I lust.  If I'm scared I lust.  It became my silver bullet to every problem or dilema that life threw at me. - it's like someone who only eats one type of food.  Part of recovery is rediscovering the diversity of coping options that Hashem has provided for us to stay connected to Him. 

Have a great Tuesday everyone.

I read a good recovery quote today - "May your recovery be slow."

This was in a Hazelden book and the meaning is that as addicts we always expect solutions to happen on our time that is right now.  But in recovery we learn to slow down and accept G-d's time table.  It's a good lesson for me as I have been frustrated with the pace of my recovery.  But as I relax and accept G-d's plan for me today - then a whole another world opens up for me.  I can feel the G-d's light in my life.  I love it and I want more.

I read a number of your posts and I am impressed. Keep up the battle! :-)

chaim77 wrote on 06 Jun 2011 15:25:


I thought I would learn a few things about this struggle, gain some self-enlightenment, and then be cured.

But, I have found that recovery isn't just to stop acting out.  It's to change my whole way of life to a healthier way of life, a healthier way of dealing with other people and with challenging situations.

I am amazed to find that there always seems to be a new layer to peel away, deeper insights, deeper ways to improve, more subtle character defects to improve, which I had missed previously.

--Eye.

I hope all had a good yontiff.  We should all be zoche to be m'kabul torah rabbah this year!

It was not my typically shavuot this year.  I was up all night but not because I was learning, but rather because I was very ill with stomach pains.  B"H I am much better this morning, but it really put into perspective what a blessing it is that my body's systems work with out me thinking about it and what a miracle it is; I can tell you my kavanah with every Asher Yatzar has been much higher over the past 18 hours or so!

But truly I am grateful that I was able to go through this yontiff under these circumstances without self-pity or irritation that things weren't going my way. 

It good to check in and be sober today.  Now it's time to jump back into things and try to be of service here.  Gut Shabbes to all!

Been 10 days since I've last checked in.  Recovery has been good despite a lot of chaos in my life.  We decided that we will be moving but it turns out that selling our house is not going as we expected.  Thankfully, Hashem has been giving me the courage to let go of my expectations and accept his will in the situation and I have been able to surrender to that and surrender to doing the best I can.

Also we were on vacation for the last week to visit my in laws.  This gets me off schedule and raises a lot of challenges as I try to do my job remotely while trying to be present to my family.  For the most part I was able to do okay.  My goal was to be productive and helpful to my family and I set out a goal to change 50 diapers over the course of the 7 day vacation.  I came in at about 35 or so. 

It is good to be back at my office though and I look forward to a week of recovery on the DC calls.

great to hear you are doing good!

i loved the diaper-changing challenge

my son will be trained hopefully soon. what barometer do i use then? peanut butter sandwiches?

I was able to make a 9th step call last night with my younger sister and the results were amazing and beyond my wildest expectation.

She was in town for just a day, and I was able to pull her aside and make my amends using the script that we learned on the DC call.  Years of unspoken anger and fear of eachother melted away.  I am truly in awe right now and really haven't processed it all so I don't think I'll be able to give it over in an even remotely adequate manner, but it feels like the impossible has happened and then some.

All I can say is I am truly humbled by what happened.  Boy howdy.