Alright. I did not update. No point in elaborating greatly on why not. Its obvious - I had a fall. A GUE-fall however. I sought out pages where I knew there would be bad links. I found them - and watched bad stuff. If you ever come to this point - there is a trick. I got up - and looked away. This usually lets my urges subside a little. Now the trick is to use that moment - but DO NOT go back on the computer to click away that browser/video/whatever. Chances are that it will be your downfall (trust me - has happened often enough). Instead, pull the plug to the computer. Yes, you do risk loosing all your data - but whats that compared to falling all the way?

So I guess its back to day 1. But I am finishing the 19th day of not falling the whole way. Because of HaShems mercy and not my "strength". I have no strength at all. Without HaShem I would be falling 24/7.

Thank-you for everyones support.

BTW, before falling I tried to install a filter. I got fed up at it and that gave me the last push over the edge. Today then I had to delete the videos of my "escapade" yesterday.  I was not so far from having a "peak"...

Sorry for the angry post yesterday. I am emotionally instable and have not found serenity yet.

Dear Someone,

Please don't let this fall cause any others.  We're with you!

We are so with you man! No matter what!

And don't worry about your angry posts..., if that's what you're going through, aren't we here to share with each other and support each other? I humbly think that if you gotta get it out, and especially if it might lead to a fall, where better than here? If you had a better outlet, you wouldn't be falling anyway, right? That's how I feel in regards to myself anyway.

May HKB"H shine His mercy on you and all of us.

And, at times (a lot of them), I dig angry music!

Thank-you for your inspiring words! True enough, having some place to vent some anger is good I think. Although best would be if I could take that anger, and transfer it into something else, like love for example!

I know in what sort of precarious situation I am in now. This is a perfect setting for falling all the way. Especially since I just noticed (although having cleared my browsing history), the search bar still has the links to the bad places. I was half a centimeter away from clicking it.... that was a close call. I will delete the cache manually. And get off the computer.

May G-D be with all of us, and hopefully He will prevent you as well as everyone else on this forum from falling today!

Amen!

You know, there are so many brachos being given around here, it's worthwhile to stick around...
And getting the chance to say amen...
GEVALDIGGG!

Gut Shabbos!

Thank-you sturggle.

I am faaaalling. Spindling out of control, a bottomless pit is already engulfing me. For the last 5 days I have been binging - with only one clean day somewhere in between. Do not know why, certainly not because of some "will-power", but I still haven't spilled anything. Don't think I am proud in ANY way of THAT.... .... its the YH gathering momentum, so he can completely knock down anything left of me. I am enraged, depressed and void. The bad stuff has made me cold and numb. Nothing left in me - but negative feelings and sometimes a weird feverish excitement.

In addition I read the stages of the Obsessive Relational Progression, and they completely (in lesser forms) applied to me. So maybe I found part of the reason for why I am so depressed at times.

To show you how numb I have become: I became bored watching the bad stuff today.... .... that was the reason why I quit watching it an hour or so ago. Maybe another trick?

Maybe after Rosh Hashanah it will become easier ... maybe.

WHERE ARE YOU HASHEM?

why after rosh hashana will it become easier?
man, this is not an easy think.
id like to ask you, though, what do you want now?!
there is a lot of advice all over this place for you and im sure you've seen a lot of it...
so, whats going on with you right now?
what do you want?
what is all of this falling/sleeping giving to you?
what do you want underneath that?

I have a lot of stress, I am behind with deadlines. I am desperately trying to pull everything together. This bad stuff "medicates"my negative feelings for sometime. I do not however fall all the way - maybe I know that if I "release" my tensions everything will just go from bad to really bad. The best I could have is three days off-time... no computer. Somewhere in the middle of nature with a couple of good friends. But no-can do. I have to write applications, finish projects and essays, have to keep up with regular studying....

But to hell with all that. Those are just excuses. My real underlying problem is that I think too much about myself. My thoughts are always about MY well-being, MY situation, MY problems, ME ME ME.... Even when trying to think about others and their situations, my thoughts actually reflect on myself trying to think about others. I am a self-centered addict. I want to be loved, by my family, my friends by a girlfriend, by HaShem. But for example, what could I give in a relationship with a girl? Nothing. I am an addict, my thoughts would only be about me and how I feel. I pity any girl that would be interested in someone like me.

The more I think about me, the more the YH can use this to tell me how bad everything is. Then he uses this situation. So I should let go - and let GD. But it is hard.

Maybe I shouldn't think anymore too much - just act. For others, to help others, living every moment in service for others - and ultimately also HaShem.

P.S: why after rosh hashanah? It seems Elul is hard for everyone... so after that

Someone wrote on 14 Sep 2009 22:42:


I hear everything you wrote man. And it all resonates with me.
Sounds like a good plan what you wrote (above). It is hard.
I wonder if Dov or some of the other guys here would disagree with that. I think not.
Is it supposed to be easy? Why do we always want easy (myself included!)?
Elul is hard. Afterwards is also. Dunno. I could find you good excuses why not every month and day of the year...

Ok, I'm not trying to get on your case...,
just sharing some thoughts.

And we all do love you!!
And just cause youre concerned about what you could give in a relationship with a girl,
doesn't mean she can't/won't love you...
I think if she's right, ahava lo tluya b'davar...

Praying for you that things become more bearable
and that you see and feel the love,
Today!!

b'AHAVA,

Sturggle