After a long break, I am finally able to overcome my YH (partially) and start over here. One day clean, and fallen many times during the recent times. But less on that. I am going on a trip for four weeks and I may not be able to update so often. I hope I will have 29 days more clean when I come back!

/Someone

Good to have you back! Your partner Chris, also had a fall recently and got up again. He wrote me:

I have fully realised and ACCEPTED that I must abide by stricter laws if I am to totally avoid these accidental incidents. From now on, I will try to constantly live by the laws of Halacha as regards sexual purity. I don't see any other way of making my defences against the YH fool-proof. Being 95% strict is a sure recipe to fail in 5% of the tests.

I guess it was foolish of me to think that I could ever live 'normally' again given my past.


Chris has been worried for you... Get back in touch with him. You and him are the most amazing non-Jews I have ever met!

So, we missed you!

Chris wrote: "Being 95% strict is a sure recipe to fail in 5% of the tests".

How  true! And this priciple applies to all areas of our Avoida (Service) to G-D. If we are real and really, but REALLY believe in what we say we believe, then any compromise is a lie to ourselves an a reciipe to the next fall.

Thank-you for all your replies! It feels good to be back, but Guard, you do me too much honor! I got back into touch with Chris and it was good to see that he forgave my long abscency and replied straight away. When I fell the first time(s) I felt too ashamed to come back. Then I fell again and I cared less and less (since the last time I posted here). Finally only deep down did I feel anything anymore, but didn't listen to it. Till I decided to give myself a kick and start over. How much better I feel already! Day 7 now.

Yosef, you speak (write) words of wisdom. Was there not a (greek?) philosopher who said the same? I cannot remember anymore. My last philosophy lessons are not so vivid in my memory anymore. 

Battleworn, how is your son?

Greets,
SO 

Thank you so much for asking and thank you again for your help. Only G-d knows how my son is, but I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm hopeful that he won't fall in to lust-addiction or any other addiction (aside from smoking) after what he's seen over here. And I'm getting vibes here and there that he plans on starting to grow up soon. I pray my heart out for him and I have faith that he'll be okay.

I am happy to hear that your son seems to be on the right path towards the "ultimate light". I hope that he stays free from an addiction like this; I wish no-one such a thing. I will remember him as well as you in my prayers.


Time for the bitter truth and some real self-reflection. During my absence from here I was on a streak for around 25 days. That was during my holiday. But I fell during the holiday. Next I stayed clean for around a week, and fell again. Then more and more often. A downward spiral as one can see. The last time I fell was yesterday. To be honest I always try and look for a reason behind my falls, but the more I fall the more evident it comes: I AM AN ADDICT. Amazing how hard it is to understand and acknowledge it is for me; not sure I have even now accepted it.

Other problems include my lack of respect to my parents. The way I have acted very often over the last year(s) is truly horrendous. I regret having said and done things, but cannot admit so to my parents. I think I am often the cause of worry for them. I also notice that I am a lot more prone to struggles after an argument. This has to stop, regardlessly if it affects my addiction or not. I also do not have a filter on my computer. For a long time I have told myself, Ill do it soon: I will surely make it without a filter a little longer. Maybe I am so iron-willed I do not need it at all?

That, is plain arrogance! And at the same time still one of the biggest obstacles towards allowing HaShem to help me. Arrogance that is. What I read in the daily chizuk e-mails said by dov enlightened me much! Whenever I had stayed clean for 10-20 days, I thought to myself: "Great, you are doing good. Look at all those others falling over and over. I however am so strong and determined... ... I am the best." Hurts to put is so plainly, but so it was. Usually I fell a day or two later. I must understand that HaShem is the only reason for any progress into the right direction. Instead of feeling full of myself I should thank Him and like dov said, whenever I start saying those sentences to myself, I don't take my medication anymore!

Then there is another, rather annoying aspect in my life at the moment. I am in love with a girl which does not feel anything for me (as far as I can tell); Chris my accountability partner says its fate and I should stop worrying. So true, but anybody care to tell me how I can stop being so obsessed with it? Especially since I do not want to be.

It is also odd that I have been on this site for a long time, but have not made any progress really? Is it my lack of determination or what? Should I especially as a gentile not have an easier job than the Jewish folks in dealing with this matter? This really makes me feel like a pathetic wimp, not up to the little effort he needs to put into it. I guess I haven't hit rock bottom yet and do not know in how serious trouble I am.

So to summarize quickly:

- I am an addict, no control over what and where I do something.
- A persistent  limitless self-righteous arrogance
- Problems with respecting and loving my very respectable and lovable parents (and others as well?)
- No filter yet
- Procrastination is a problem
- I do not post often enough or keep enough contact with Chris; sorry Chris!
- I am not sure whether I believe any of the things I just wrote down in this summary

What I have done to counter some of these things:

- partially told one of my friends today about this problem; not sure if he took it as a joke or not, so I will try and make it more clear I hope
- looked into white filters, but haven't had the time to install one yet, (do not use Windows or Mac, which makes it a lot more difficult)
- posted here

ANY thoughts, comments and/or especially advice are extremely welcome! I am with my back against the wall and desperately want to find back to HaShem!

Greetings,
SO

P.S: Sorry for the ranting and over-dramatization; it is rather late. 




 

Welcome.  Good to see you here.

(I'm newer here than you, so I didn't know you left).

Some one ,
Hi i'm new here too ,and i feel what you are going through.i have only one thing to mention . when i went for an "interview" to get into an SA meeting for the first time i was told by one addict that internet p**n is the crack cocaine version of a lust "fix".its absolute insanity for any person to have open access to internet let alone an addict. NO FILTER???

Good to hear from you, someone... You are one amazing gentile. How many people are there like you with a soul that is so in-tune to Hashem and to spirituality? Amazing! You would do phenomenal in a 12-Step SA group. Can you join one in your area?

Thank-you Eye.nonzmous and vavnik for your comments. In turn I welcome you both as well

Vavnik, how right you are! This is exactly what my reaction should have been a years ago! Well, we all know it was not. But a whitelist filter will be installed by (hopefully) latest the end of this week.

Reb Guard, I should be hiding in some dark cave in the light of your kind words! I just checked online, but only found some groups for alcoholists here. I doubt there is an SA group here in the area, or anywhere close. But instead, I have a friend who has an addiction as well, and I reveiled the true nature of my addiction just yesterday. Another friend also half-knows about my addiction. Thus I have 1.5 friends helping me along. A two and a half people "SA group"... I am moving in around 10 months to another country. Perhaps I can join some kind of group there.

Reb Guard, I hope I am not stepping out of my boundaries here; how are you? How is the holy sunny country of Yisrael doing? (Assuming you live there).

The day before yesterday in the evening, I had a major fall. Do not know how it started, but somehow I ended up looking at the worst things one can find on the Internet. I made a very selfish "deal" with HaSHem, saying "I?ll take off these things if this and this happens by the end of this week". Do not even want to repeat what "this and this" was, since it was such a selfish thing. I did not consequently fall all the way. But I have never been able to keep clean more than three days afterwards. Maybe because I took credit for not falling? There is nothing to it, the only thing that saved me from the ultimate fall was HaShems mercy. Any tips on how to avoid falling now? I watched nothing yesterday, and today either. Though there is a long way off till tomorrow still.

So day 4 without having fallen all the way, day 1 staying clean. 
 

As I mentioned in the "I am about to Fall" thread, I had two close calls yesterday/today in the early morning hours. B"H, I was saved from falling all the way. I am very afraid I will fall all the way the next couple of days. A lot of stress is coming my way, I have to be on the computer and I feel like there is a fire burning inside me.

HaShem, help us all please!

Day 5 without going all the way, Day 0 clean.

HaShem has heard me so far, I have not fallen yet! Not even slipped ( to my knowledge)! So this is Day 6 without falling all the way. Day 1 clean.

You're a special Someone!  Stay strong! 

Thank-you Kedusha. But unfortunately, I did not stay strong. I fell in the morning of Day 7 ... hard. For what felt like hours I lay in bed, crying to HaShem: asking him where he was,  demanding Him to show Himself, asking for forgiveness, shouting, twisting and silently screaming like a madman. It was maybe one of the most heartfelt tries at Teshuva I have ever made. My soul and emotions raged. Twisted and sought for an answer.

I came up with an answer. The missing filter. It has been (one of?) the missing cornerstone of my foundation for ages. Today I spent 7 hours trying to install a filter on my Linux machine, a 7 hours I should have at the same time spent on some work. Finally the whitelist filter is working now, and I feel incredible here. What a motivation and energy flows through me! Finally some extra safety! Sure, with enough time I can bypass anything short of a provider filter, but it is some extra safety for now. Even the Internet provider filters might be passable (as some our holy warriors here have pointed out). 

I hang my head down in shame and ask HaShem (and all of those that have told me) for forgiveness: how could I have not heeded the advice of getting a filter? Surely my YH played a role. Still, it was an obvious step I did not take.

Nothing for sure, but I feel like this might finally be the setting for success: I have two friends who know about my problem, my online accountability partner, Reb Guard, you guys, a filter on my computer, (nearly daily online) Torah... the list goes on!

But ultimately it is up to HaShem. I still believe the only way is to ask Him for help!

Day 1. Hope you people had a nice Shabbos!

/SO