Well ... filter back on. This time it should be rather fool-proof, till the next hole that I find. This time it already (probably) made me fall. Last night I was very depressed and I felt down. Tried to beat my filter here and there a little. Suddenly I found a way of completely knocking it out. It was too much for me ... already triggered and suddenly with an open Internet connection - impossible! But HaShem had mercy - I did not waste anything (you know what I mean). When the computer was out, I read the Tikkun Haclali and asked for forgiveness. Then I went to sleep. During the first minutes of my sleep (this is what I assume - might have been later) I had a bad dream with an emission.

The question is: I probably have to restart the count from the GYE point of view. But too keep my hopes up however, does this necessarily count as a complete fall (an SA type of fall)? The emission was involuntary and I did not go to sleep hoping for it -  the contrary was the case!

For some moments I felt very close to HaShem today. While I had a huge urge with an open Internet and a filter-installing-try, I asked Him for help and He sent it. I thank-you Eden for your kind, beautiful and poetic words once again. I really hope I can become more caring towards my fellow human beings.

Good night to everyone - I pray that HaShem answers everyones prayers the way he answered mine today

Dear Someone,

Although it was a fall, based on the GYE rules, Hashem knows that you exercised a great deal of self control.

Alright, thank-you Kedusha for clarifying that. I am thus currently just starting day 4 according to the GUE rules. However as a reminder for myself (or some sort of extra motivation), HaShem has helped me so much that I haven?t spilled anything willfully (besides nocturnal emissions) for the last nine days (this would be day 10).

Besides that I saw a very inspiring movie yesterday evening on television. Yes! I know! Television leads to falls... but in this case it was a G-D sent movie that I am sure I was supposed to watch. It told of a very self-sacrificial man in the Rwandan genocide 1994; maybe you know what movie I am talking of. It put my "problems" into perspective. Most important is the well-being of others and serving HaShem.

I feel less depressed than a couple of days ago.

If there are no women or scenes in the movie, we can add it to our "movies" page in our "Kosher isle" 

Someone, I suggest you keep two separate counts for 90 days. One for being fully clean, and one for not going all the way...

I am afraid there was one unacceptable scene. I tried to look away, but I still think I was supposed to watch it (the movie - not the scene)! Monday I decided to grow over my petty self and speak to a good friend after having cut off all communication for a month for some "reasons" of my own. I think I made someone happy that day! The movie was one motivator to do this.

Apart from that, my relationship to my parents has improved greatly from the last time I mentioned it and I am generally trying hard to become a better and friendlier person. Hard work is also done on speaking less about myself and more about others in a conversation.

Currently at the end of day 5. Yesterday worked on a filterless computer on my own late in the night for three hours. I have never been more scared of falling; I literally felt some sort of terror. HaShem lent me a helping hand and pulled me through without any slips 

Someone wrote on 01 Sep 2009 20:31:


Well done, Someone!

Thank-you Kedusha! HaShem has been taking great extra care of me the last few days. However today I did not keep up his standards. In the morning (around 2am) I managed to knock the filter down once again - with one single change somewhere in the preferences. It was more to see if it would work - and I wanted to see one picture (of a mountain - nothing bad). I thank HaShem greatly for pulling me through. In fact I did not feel any urges and was able to put off the computer without any slips.

Today during the day, I saw many bad things (involuntarily outside home - even though trying to Guard my Eyes). I am afraid these may backfire on me now in the evening - especially without a filter. Please, ask HaShem to give me the wisdom to install the filter so that I find no way to kick it out!

Ultimately HaShem and my eyes are the (only) filter... but I need a crutch.

Just updating -  I think it might be day 10 today. Haven?t kept so close track the last days. My filter is down.... but I haven?t been on my own computer since I last kicked it down. When I get the chance I will try and put it up. I had some ideas last time I tried.

Half of me feels very depressed today. The other is rather OK. Need to study a lot today.

Someone wrote on 06 Sep 2009 11:41:


Dear Someone,

Hoping you're doing better and wishing you much success!

Thank-you Kedusha, but this is by far the worst day of my streak. You know those days when something you have worked for, and desperately hoped for seems to be finally working? And then is snatched away from you again just when nothing can go wrong anymore? Thats when I hear this faint laugh in the background.... and trust me, heard that today quite enough. Now I am, as a strong addict, sitting infront of the damn computer, without a damn filter because I am just too damn dumb to install something that I can't hack?? Great combination.

In addition, when I threw my bag in frustration onto my sofa, it didn't stop there, it hit the wall behind it and now I have a hole there. I had to laugh - days like these do not get better.

Sorry - had to vent some frustration.

Dear Someone,

I hope the remainder of your day will go better, so you won't be tempted to fall tomorrow.  What about today, you may ask?  TODAY is not on the table.  Under no circumstances will you let yourself fall TODAY.

yeah, someone! stick with us, right here, right now! this moment!

OK slipped a little just there.... but now thats enough. I have got to study for an exam for tomorrow. Maybe this even might qualify for a GUE - fall.... but at the moment I cannot afford it. I was mislead by some links. For around 1-2 minutes. I just clicked everything away.

Thank-you for your support. I might be all the way down without you guys!

I still feel angry.

P.S: just to clarify... I did not look for bad stuff. I came to a video site searching for some "angry" music, and saw inapporpriate links that lead me to bad stuff.

Someone wrote on 08 Sep 2009 19:08:


That sounds like a slip, not a fall.  Don't think about it for another minute.

good I will update soon again.