im not alone wrote on 25 Jan 2011 19:35:


You are a warm Jew!


You are too, ur-a-Jew!

ur-a-jew wrote on 24 Jan 2011 23:20:
This reminds me of the moshul comparing life to a man going up the down escalator.  As long as he keeps walking but doesn't try too hard he will stay where he is in life.  If he runs hard then he'll go up and up.  But if he were to stop for even one second, down and down he goes all the way to the bottom.

Did you ever get the feeling that five minutes after you say brochos in the morning you're not really sure whether you've said them.  Well I get it often.  One way to remedy the situation is to say them from a siddur.  But I often try to say them when I'm on the way to shul, hence the problem.  So I decided to follow my own advice that I gave above about thinking what I'm saying first.  The past few days, before I say each brocha I talk out what I'm so grateful for.  For example, I say "RBSO you didn't have to make me a Yid.  You could have made me a Goy with only 7 mitzvos.  But instead you gave me 613 mitzvos and torah.  Boruch ata Hashem . . . shelo asani goy."  I have to say, After going through each brocha like that when I'm done I have no doubt that I've said the brochos.  You just have to leave some extra time.

But another advantage to this is that you have to think about what each brocha is saying.  So I came to "Oizer Yisroel B'Gevurah."  Obviously, it means more than simply a belt.  It has to do with the ability to separate the Lev from the Ervah.  Which got me thinking as to what does that really mean.  The ervah represents taaivah.  The lev represents intellect.  The RBSO has given us the ability to separate the two, and either the ability to do that is "gevurah" or we are armed with "gevurah" to make that separation.  Either way, I realized that this Brocha is extremely powerful (like all brochos), very relevant and one which can certainly assist us in the struggle.

Thank you Hashem for giving us the "might" of GYE to keep us separate from our taivos.

beautiful!

It takes you 5 minutes? I sometimes cant remember if I said them all like a minute later.

I feel empowered!

So this morning instead of flying through brachos while trying to get my arm into my jacket sleeve and adjusting my tefilin straps, I actually started to think of the brachos before sputtering them out.  It’s amazing how on the infrequent brachos such as megila or lulav we can say or listen with so much kevana, but on the ones that thank Hashem for the basic necessities we practically dismiss. 
Thank you Ur-a-Jew for recognizing and communicating this significant point.

It's been almost a week since I posted and I feel the effect.  B"H I'm still standing.  But my wife's total lack of interest certainly tooks it toll, particularly when we went on a mini-vacation.  Luckily, last week I shared with someone that was going through a similar situation some of the tools that I've learned to help deal with this issue so I had them fresh in my mind (and I might as well post them now for what it's worth). 

1.  Constantly reminding myself that my wife does love me.  So if she is not picking up the vibes then there must be a legitimate reason for it.
2.  Hashem decides how much sex I'm going to have, my wife is just His local shliach for carrying it out.  So if I have complaints, He's the one I need to talk to.
3.  If I'm resenting the person who loves me for not giving to me something that I want then there is a problem with me, most probably my ego at work and I need to work on that.

But even with those tools, and going through Steps 4 through 7, I was still having a hard time.  At some point, I just couldn't take it and I said I'm just going to ask Hashem to put her in the mood (rather asking Hashem to help me be more accepting and removing my ego). 

At this point I was in middle of Shemona Esrai in the brocha of Matzmiyach Keren Yeshua.  And the thought hit me, here am I going crazy for my wife, asking Hashem to help me because I'm in such internal pain.  Why don't I take a minute to thing about Kaviyochul Hashem's pain and longing to be able to bring Moshiach but we act totally uninterested.  Sure we love Hashem in the abstract and we want to him to bring the geulah.  My wife loves me too.  But we want more than to just be loved in the abstract.  We want our wives to be as totally crazy for us and we are for them.  Well why don't I do the same thing with Hashem.  At least when I'm saying the brochos talking about the geulah, let me think a little about that.

Ultimately, that time of month came and now things are getting back to normal.  Its scary how lust can just overtake me so completely and then poof she's ossur and all that stress just goes away because I recognize (as opposed to before) that there is nothing I can do about it now.  I know the test is not over since Friday night will probably be the night. 

Throughout all this I did however see the hand of Hashem.  For example, my wife did have some rachmunos on me without being asked even if half-heartedly, and on Motzai Shabbos when she sat down to watch television in the hotel room, rather than watching a movie that was questionable (and something that I would be unable to resist), she watched a clean PG movie which was about a sports team (a subject which she would usually have no interest) and had very little in the way of any woman's role.  so for all of this I am grateful to Hashem and to GYE.

That was an astounding post.

Thanks for sharing all of those thoughts.

UAJ, we are lucky to have someone like you, with such honesty and clarity, to be part of the chaburah here on GYE

i feel your pain and i know how frustrating it can be when the wife is not as interested as we would want her to be

you are doing such great work and you are taking us all along with you

So I was learning Chovos Halevovos last night and Rabeinu Bachya talks about the chesbon a person has to make regarding the wonders of creation.  The ones we take for granted because they are so common, but that are nonetheless no less amazing.  Says the C"H that just because they are common doesn't mean we don't have to appreciate them daily.  Moreover, he points out that as we get older we have a resposibility --- because we are wiser --- to appreciate them more.  Now we have a greater understanding as to how amazing they truly are.  For example (my own) a child who sees the sun doesn't understand the science behind sun he doesn't know what science even is.  By contrast an adult knows about physics, chemistry, the solar system, etc. and he can appreciate that the sun is more than just this ball in the sky.  (For example, the sun comprises about 99.8632% of the total mass of the Solar System).  Says the Chovos Halevovos we have to do this with respect to all the wonders of creation. 

I believe the Chovos Halevovos makes a similar observation with respect to tefillah.  Most of us learn how to daven as kids.  As a result, we are still davening as if we were kids.  But we are not kids anymore we are adults.  And we have to start re-evaluating what it is we were doing and daven as if we are adults.  We know that we have the ability to speak to the creator of the world directly on a constant basis.  It's mind-boggling when you think about it seriously.

So anyway's what does this have to do with GYE.  I thought to myself, you know I'm not a GYE newbie anymore, today is about 8 months.  I learned alot since I came here.  About my addiction, about sobriety, about living life.  So first I got to appreciate it with an increased grown-up sense of awareness, I got to also take stock of what I've learned and ask myself am I making the most of the tools that I've been given now that based on the increased knowledge I now have.

So THANK YOU Hashem, Guard, Dov and everyone else who makes this site so wonderful, who have helped give me a new lease on life, who have given me the opportunity to get out of isolation, who have given me the opportunity to help others with this struggle.  I LOVE THIS PLACE.

You contribute a lot, probably more than you are aware, because of all the earnest, hurting and searching people who read your posts. And among those people are me, you, Guard, and everybody else who makes up this great place!

So, as a virtually close friend of mine says, let's keep trucking!

UAJ that was poignant

Rebbereber=Dov blaahh Blaaa Blaaah

Earlier in the week I debated with one of the chevra whether it's better to post your potential falls and how you overcame then. My own view is that we should. True in some odd way it can lead to gaavah.
I say odd because what's there to have gayvah about for thirty year I was drowning in the muck overindulging. And now I temporarily overcame a nisayon so now I'm Mr. Tzaddik. Who am I fooling (other than myself) and moreover if I'm such a tzaddik with such self control why didn't I exercise it for the past 30 years. So I'm a double menuval because apparently I'm not that addicted and I know how to control myself better than the people who have falls. So if I am honest gayvah should be out and its certainly odd.
Moreover it just shows how sick we are since we are anonymous.  So how egotistical can I get that I need to impress myself.
On the other hand speaking for myself and to others I do get these gayvah feelings (as one person said even writing something like this). So is it worth it? What's the benefit for telling?  To say to teach others. Is not an answer. The chovos halevovos addresses that in Shaar Yichud hamyseh.  Can't quote it now. But suffice it to say that's usually the YH talking. (For all I know he's writing the rest of the post as well).
But last night I think I got the answer.
I was in the office it was late. I had to copy something. Earlier in the day I noticed the paper on the secretary's desk. There was a story on the cover that caught my eye, Diaries of a mistress. Right up my alley. Everytime I passed the desk it caught my eye. So here I am standing at the copier and its sitting on top of the garbage staring up at me. My YH is telling me how much I want to read it. Its probably not so bad anyway. But then I told myself I've posted on the forum that since I started on the site I've never read that paper. Do I really want to ruin that. I can't do it. Had I never posted it in the first place I would have had no problem reading it. But I set myself a higher standard and I don't want to ruin that in the eyes of my anonymous friends and even in my own eyes. Will I lose all my schar for posting this and making myself into some tzaddik. Perhaps. But in return I got sobriety today. I woke up in such a good mood this morning. Would I have that wonderful feeling about life had I read it who knows but one thing I know I don't want to take that chance.
So to all out there. If you have such self-control that you can assure yourselves no more slips and falls while living in isolation. Keep it to yourself and reap all the schar. (You probably don't belong here anyway). As for the rest of us. Post away. Your ups your downs your almost and even your victories. You may be giving up some schar in the process (which don't get me wrong is no small thing). But in return you'll get life and a little sanity. And without that you'll have nothing.
As for me i'll just sit here  jealous and in awe of the anonymous guys who sit here at times like a yo-yo but are climbing way higher then I can ever hope to be.
Have a wonderful Shabbos and double Chodesh Adar.
Thank You Hashem for all the Brocha you've showered me with.

To U-R-ahhhh-ahhh-ahhh! Chew!! :


                                    Gezundheit!


To Reb b Shlit"a:


                                    Ah gitten Shabbos Koidesh!


To everybody here and all yiddin everywhere:


                                    I love you and wish you alless gitess this heiligeh Roish Choidesh!!


PS. It may be my anniversary, I am not really sure.


:-*