I had a Haarha on today's Haftorah (Parshas Beshalach).  A lesson we can take from Sisera (that you probably never heard it Yeshiva).  If you analyze it, it would appear that Sisera was a sex addict.  Thus, when the women were comforting the mother of Sisera as to why her son was late they told her don't worry רַחַם רַחֲמָתַיִם לְרֹאשׁ גֶּבֶר    Which Rashi explains to mean don't worry he's late because he and his officers each have 2 or 3 of beautiful jewish women in their beds that they are raping.  If that was the norm for this battle then it was no doubt the norm for any battle.  This is besides the fact that Sisera no doubt was a much sought man.  He was a general, powerful.  I'm sure he could have had all the woman he wanted.  He hardly needed to be taking woman by force.  But then when you look at what actually happened.  He brings this massive army to crush Bnei Yisroel.  But lo and behold his entire army gets wiped out something that probably never happened to him before.  He manages to escape and he's on the run.  One would think that the top priorty in this situation would be his life and to get back to Chatzor where he came from as soon as possible.  But on the way he meets Yael.  What does he do, according to most meforshim he has sex with her.  Now he knows they are chasing after him.  After all he told Yael if they come by looking for me וַיֹּאמֶר אֵלֶיהָ עֲמֹד פֶּתַח הָאֹהֶל וְהָיָה אִם-אִישׁ יָבֹא וּשְׁאֵלֵךְ וְאָמַר הֲיֵשׁ-פֹּה אִישׁ וְאָמַרְתְּ אָיִן.  You see from here what the addict brain can do to you.  Your life can be on the line but an opporunity to have sex and it all goes out the window.

Thank you Hashem for helping me find GYE so I could get help now before it was too late.

great vort!

I was walking home and I decided to take a short cut and cut across a patch of snow.  When I stepped on the snow it was icy and I started to slip.  Lesson for recovery:  When you go off the beaten and proven path by trying to take shortcuts, there is a good chance you'll slip.  Stay with what's proven to work even if takes a little longer.

Thank you Hashem for another sober day and a powerful lesson.

Chazal says, “Whoever has enough to eat today and says, ‘What will I eat tomorrow?’ such a person is lacking faith.”  Poshut pshat is the person is lacking in faith because he is worried about tomorrow instead of relying on Hashem.  The Kotzker, however, says a different pshat, the reason why he is lacking faith is because he is only worried about tomorrow, you think that the food in your hand today is really secure.  In one minute the RBSO can change that too.  You have to rely on the RBSO even for what you think you have today. 

This is an important insight for recovery as well.  People think I'm sober now, I'm not lusting what do I have to worry.  I'll read the chizzuk e-mail tomorrow when I feel like I'm lusting.  I'll post tomorrow when I feel like I'm in need of help.  I'm sober now, I don't really need Hashem now, after all I'm not lusting right now, when I'm lusting I'll admit I'm powerless and turn it over to Hasem.  say Chazal: such a person lacks faith.

oooohhhh!

This post hits home!

The meaning of surrender.  It hit me tonight while I was davening maariv.  As I was saying Elokaynu, I thought "the master of all strength who is able to do anything."  Anything, hey that means He can make my wife be in the mood for me.  But then I realized that that's not surrender that's trying to make get Hashem to accept my will.  Surrender is when we recognize that I have to accept Hashem's will. 

Powerlessness.  If we ask how can it work?  Just by surrendering our powerlessness is it really going to take away my lust.  It's like toivel v'sheretz beyodo.  If we realize that Hashem can do anything than obviously he can do away my lust.  Once we want to know, how Hashem is going to do it.  We are trying to place ourselves back in the drivers seat and direct Hashem how to save us.  That's not powerlessness.  That's trying to make ourselves powerful.

I think this make sense.  No if only I can do it.

Thank You Hashem for keeping sober, yet another day.

This is going to be a long one.  But for me, these things spoke to me.

I recently saw a story that made an impression on me but I wasn’t sure what it had to do with my lust struggle.  Today it all came together.  The story is in volume two of "In Their Shadows" a must read book for those who want to grow. 

Reb Aharon M'Belz when he was younger got sick and the doctors told him he can't go to the mikvah.  His father knowing that the doctor's warning would not stop him, called in his son and forbade him from going to the mikvah.  Shortly thereafter one of his brothers-in-law heard that Reb Aharon was going to the mikvah in middle of the night.  He assumed that Reb Aharon had improved.  But when he made inquiries he learned that if anything Reb Aharon's health had in deteriorated.  He couldn't believe how Reb Aharon could go against his father's command.  The brother-in-law decided to hide out in the mikvah.  What he observed astounded him.  In the middle of the night Reb Aharon entered the mikvah, it was pitch black, he undressed walked to the bottom step of the mikvah and said "I hereby prepare to fulfill the positive commandment of listening to my father, who told me not to toivel in the mikveh" Reb Aharon then turned around, got dressed, bundled himself back up and went home.  When the brother-told Reb Aharon's father what he saw, his father Reb Yissachor Dov said:  "This is perfection! He doesn't simply heed my instructions for the sake of the mitzvah --- he doesn't want any personal benefit whatsoever in consequence.  He therefore doesn't save himself the long walk in bad weather or the time spent in the building; all he skips is the actual tevilah, in fulfillment of my order that he scrupulously observes."

What do we do in such a situation.  What happens when for example, we don't say tachnun.  We say gevaldig, five minutes less in davening.  What's the difference between us and Reb Aharon.  Of course alot.  But I saw last week from Reb Zilberstein that it starts with an approach to Torah and Mitzvos and a recognition of what a mitzvah is.  If we believe that a mitzvah is the opportunity to do the will of the creator of the entire universe then our approach would be much different from one who is doing it just because that is what I need to do so I can maintain my standing in the community and this is the way I was trained to do it all my life.  As Reb Zilberstein put it, if we see a tallis as a kingly garment we wouldn’t be running to take it off at the end (or before the end) of davening.

Of course acquiring this perspective is a lifetime work.  By one of my Rabbeim always says over from Reb Yisroel Salanter we have to nosh from all of the mussar we hear and learn and try to take a little bit for ourselves.

I was thinking about all this when I went to shul this morning.  We say every morning.  Pokayach Ivrim and Hamaver Shayna May-ayni.  Why does Hashem gives us back our eyesight every morning?  It’s certainly not to watch porn.  So at least when I make the brocha of Pokayach Ivrim, let me at least then take a minute and think to myself why Hashem is giving me my eyesight.  Perhaps then when something ossur comes my way, I’ll be able to turn away.

Now I’m sure that some will be reading this and saying.  It all sounds good but the mussar way didn’t work for me and it ain’t going to work now.  To that I say the 12-steps say nothing different.  The problem is we were never really learning the mussar in the first place.  It all comes down to the same thing.  Am I going to approach life superficially or not.  I’ve said this many times there is nothing new in the 12 steps that’s not in the Chovos Halevovos.  The 12 Steps just gives us an organizational tool of how to do it.  How to become real and live real.  The 12-steps are not some magical potion that will make us sober.  It’s work.

I was very glad to read the following today in the 12 and 12 on the second step:

“Let’s take the guy full of faith, but still reeking of alcohol [read lust].  He believes he is devout. [He daven’s three times a day and has a seder].  His religious observance is scrupulous [Alla chumros].  He’s sure he still believes in G-d, but suspects that G-d doesn’t believe in him.  He takes pledges and more pledges [Every Yom Kippur he promises that this year will be different].  Following each [usually by Sukkos] he not only drinks [lust, porn or mzl] again, but acts worse than last time.  Valiantly he tries to fight alcohol, imploring G-d’s help, but the help doesn’t come.  What then could be the matter?  To clergyman, doctors, friends and families, the alcoholic who means well and tries hard is a heartbreaking riddle.  To most AA’s he is not.  There are too many of us who have been just like him, and have found the riddle’s answer.  The answer has to do with the quality of faith rather than the quantity.  This has been our blind spot.  We supposed we had humility when really we hadn’t.  We supposed we had been serious about religious practice when, upon honest appraisal, we had been only superficial.  Or, going to the other extreme, we had wallowed in emotionalism [we shuckled like there was no tomorrow] and had mistaken it for true religious feeling.  In both cases, we had been asking for something for nothing.  The fact was we really hadn’t cleaned house so that the grace of G-d could enter us and expel the obsession.  In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves [i.e., make a chesbon hanefesh], make amends to those we had harmed, or freely given to any other human being without any demand for reward [and sometimes the reward is in the form of inflating our ego.  See generally Shaar Yichud Hamaseh].  We had not even prayed rightly.  We had always said, “Grant me my wishes” instead of “Thy will be done.”  The love of G-d and man we understood not at all. [Shaar Ahavas Hashem comes at the end of Chovos Halevovos for a reason you need everything up to that point to come to true and real Ahavas Hashem].  Therefore we remained self-deceived, and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity.”

Thank you Hashem for an uplifting Shabbos and this lesson.

ur-a-jew wrote on 23 Jan 2011 05:26:


And I say:

Thank you Yur-a-Jew for an uplifting Shabbos and this lesson!



My Shabbos was quite uplifting after all the help you gave me last week!

really liked your last couple of posts, they were gevaldig, thanks for sharing them

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 24 Jan 2011 18:56:


Implied in this praise is a request for more. Right?

out of concern for the general population i will clear up the mystery regarding the implied implications of my supplications for continued posts from Rabbi UAJ

PLEASE KEEP THEM COMING

Ah! NOW you're talking my language!

So yesterday, I was driving my son up to yeshiva.  Along the way I noticed that there is a stream that runs alongside the road.  It was interesting because despite the frigid weather unlike a lake which freezes over, the stream will get frozen but never completely frozen.  The reason being that the stream, unlike the lake, is in constant motion.  I realized this is a moshul for me in there as well.  If we are constantly moving and trying to work on ourselves we won't freeze up and will keep on going.  Sometimes we may hit a rock that may cause us to change direction temporarily but in the end we move around it and keep on moving.  If however we stop working on ourselves.  That's it we freeze up and then we are stuck completely.

Thank you Hashem for another day and another lesson.

beautiful, thanks for sharing that

thank ur-a-jew wrote on 24 Jan 2011 23:20:

wow thanks for sharing that
its so encouraging and true

hashem i might have slipped and again slipped but hashem i'm not freezing i'm still (at least) working on my addiction
and yes i'm still moving and streaming
(i'm not heading to the drain )

i'm not ice, im working hard

thanks again