Approaching 150 days and grateful to Hashem for every minute of it.  Bli Ayin Hora my relationship with my wife keeps growing by the day.  I can tell that she sees a difference in me.  When I told her on Sunday afternoon I needed to go on for a call there was no resistence from her.

I got to drive in the mountains this weekend.  Anyone who is starting out on the road to sobriety should definitely take such a drive.  Here's why.  First, with all the mountains covererd by the colorful fall foliage you get to see how beautiful Hashem made this world.  There is so much to live for rather than getting cheap thrills from a computer screen.  But what really struck me was that we start out thinking how low we have fallen and how there can be little hope for us.  We ruined our lives and a certain resignation to being in the muck forever can overpower us.  Anyone who has the feeling has to go drive by these mountains and look at all of the trees barren of their leaves.  They look like they're dead.  But, in six months from now those same trees are full of green vibrant leaves.  I think the message that Hashem is giving us is that so long as there is still blood pumping through us.  It's not too late all of your leaves may have fallen of you may feel like your dead.  But comes a little recovery and you'll be soon blossoming with new leaves.  Don't ever give up.

The second inspiration came later in the day.  We are trying to deal with one of our children who is having major problems in school.  At a meeting with the prinicpal she was told if you don't shape up and keep your mouth shut.  You're out.  On the way home the child was saying how she can't do it.  We asked her whether she could do it for a day?  Equivoication.  How about one period, can you do it for one period?  Yes.  She answered.  So we told her just aim for that one period.  And when that period is over, the next and so on.  I turned to her and said, you know how we are so confident that this method will work.  Look at mommy she loved/loves to eat junk food.  Be she hasn't eaten it for 10 years now.  Because every day she has told herself I can do it just for today.  While I didn't jump in and say, and I have not looked at porn for close to 150 days for the same reason.  I told myself:  Listen carefully to the message you just transmitted.  You can keep on going with sobrierty so long as you just take one day at a time since you know, that you can keep sober for one day.

Phenomenal.

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k

Day 151 (Yes I know its one day at a time but I'm counting because then maybe I'll think twice before I do something knowing how much I love we're I am now and how much I have to lose if I act out now; it also may tell someone who just reached 90 days that the struggle doesn't stop once you reach 90 days so don't think you can reach 90 days and check out of here; and it makes me feel good and I still haven't gotten over my gaavah issues).

So on Erev Shabbos I came home after a long week of being in the mood to be with my wife but nothing happening (through no fault of hers).  Comes Erev Shabbos and my wife is all tense and had been all day because of exhaustion and a house full of kids not listening.  As I walked in from work I just tensed up from seeing how tense she was, immediately thinking that if she stays like this it doesn't bode well for tonight.  Having done a fourth step on this earlier in the week, I knew it was my own selfishness that was causing it.  So as I ran out to do some errands I decided to reach out and give it over to someone.  I wrote it all out and googlechatted it to someone.  Writing it out helped but I was hoping to get some feedback not surprisingly since it was almost Shabbos I didn't get an answer right away.  Just then I noticed someone else had come online.  I sent him the send thing and he started texting me back.  He told me about the third step and then he said "I believe He wants me to use my sex powers to give to my wife and make her feel loved not to make me feel loved.  If I have a need to feel loved I need to focus on being loved by God and giving to others and most importantly my wife and children."  When I heard that last point about focusing on Hashem for my needs.  It all just clicked into place.  I said a small tefillah to Hashem.  Felt much better and realized that even if nothing happened that night I could deal with it because I could turn to Hashem for fulfillment of my needs.  My job was just to focus on giving.  I came back home with the tension lifted from me.  Then the first person texted me back as well, giving me additional chizzuk.  I came into Shabbos a different person from the way I came home from work.  My wife obviously sensed it since by the time we went to sleep she had completely turned around her mood.
It's amazing how just reaching out to someone turned around not only my Shabbos but my whole family since I was a different person then.  Thank You Hashem (and your local agents Jooboy and Stuart).

Ur a jew I'm proud of ur progress, especially how u dealt with that situation on friday, its clearly the credit of joining the. 12 step call, keep it up and u will see that 150 will become 300 just be going 1 day at a time and yes its nice to hear that u say wife is seeing a change in  u , I can say the same & u know what else, hashem sees the change and he's so proud of u and he'll help u in this struggle
U got some gr8 buddies stuart and jooboy, they are the pros just keep tight with them u will be good

Wow UAJ, thank you for that candid post. I really benefited from it.

Are you SURE you still have gaava issues? I don't see that...  never mind!
k

Beginning of the week was a little rough on the wife issue, but fortunately I reached out to Dov and got alot if it off my chest.  While I still didn't have as restful A night as I would have preferred I did not take it out on my wife.  Ultimately, however, I came to realize how grateful I have to be to Hashem.  In the past when these things happened there were either two alternatives:  either drive my wife crazy or have all my feelings sit inside of me which inevitably came spilling out anyways on those around me.  Now I have the ability to talk with someone who really understands the way I feel.  I can get out my feelings and move on.  Thank you Hashem (and GYE) for this brocha.

I just heard a vort from the Kotzker. He once asked his chassidim if two people are on a ladder one on the fifth rung and one on the tenth who is higher?  The chassidim looked at him quizzically. To which he responded you're probably thinking the one on the 10th, but it all depends on which way you're going. If you are going up "bnei aliyah" it doesn't matter which rung you are on. You're on the way up and you're higher than a bnei yeridah no matter which rung he's on.  Boruch Hashem I was zoche to put my feet on the ladder together with all the bnei aliyah who are here.  We may be coming from the muck but if we are here it is because we want to go up. We want to be bnei aliyah.  And that's what counts.

Memo to G-d (copy to self)

1.  Thank you for 160+ days of sobriety and the attendant growth that it brings and please help me continue.
2.  Please help me improve way way further and come to appreciate that:
    a.  Women are people not bodies with breasts.
    b.  Shabbos is a day of growth and coming closer to You and to others not simply a nice time to have sex.
    c.  Vacations are a time to relax and develop relationships not just a place to have sex.
    d.  Ladies clothing stores do not require anyone who comes in (men or women) to browse for or purchase lingerie.
    e.  There is more to the calendar than muttar and ossur days.
      f.  Life is about living.

Thanks, one of Your many children.

reb UAJ,
i venture to say that G-d absolutely loves reading this thread!

(and, lehavdil, so do I)

You hit it on the nail with that post!
shkoach

Addendum to memo:

g.  Just because my wife says "I love you" and gives me a kiss doesn't mean she wants to have sex.

UAJ

Thanks for ur blunt memo

Can I add a thank you


Thank you for my sobriety. It taught me that politeness is not to be taken as an advance

Some people are genuinely polite

When a teller/checkout/stewardess says hello goodmorning
May I help you

All they mean is

Hello=recognizing your presence

Good morning= a blessing

May I help you= I have a job. What is it I can help you with within the professional level of my job


Thats  all

B

ur-a-jew wrote on 17 Nov 2010 15:28:


Okay I am looking for eitzos on how to deal with this.  A typical example of this I go to a wedding and one of two things happen either I see 200 chests running around.  It's not that I am necessarily lusting after this.  It's just that I don't see 200 people just coming to enjoy a chasuna.  Or, I have the holier than thou attitude and I can't even look and carry on a normal conversation and I develope a certain resentment why do they have to dress this way, etc.

I know one eitza is to focus on the tzelem Elokim in everyone.  But some practical guidance and insight would be useful.

How about thinking of your wife instead of those 200?
Another aitza is to perhaps just keep your distance, and not neccessarily only physical distance.  The other night I was sitting at a mixed event with my friend's very cute wife.  Instead of going out of my way to converse with her, I just kept our interaction to the minimum.

I realize this doesn't entirely answer your question, but just trying to start something off.

Stuart wrote on 19 Nov 2010 16:01:


I've heard that advice before from my Rosh Chabura. He was referring to neighbors wives. If you sense some attraction, stay far away - nothing more than common courtesies like Good Morning/Shabbos, etc.

To think more in the long term, such attraction is a red flag for a deep-seated lust that requires some 12-step overhauling.