Went to wedding last night. One of those barbie doll type weddings where the "frum" woman wear dresses that don't cover the knee under any circumstances. Usually I have a very hard time at these weddings I get filled with resentment. Boruch Hashem I had a pretty easy time. When I was with my wife while she was talking to one of her barbie cousins I recalled someone's post here and thought to myself. You this woman is a person to with a life of her own and probably a lot of problems too otherwise there would be the need to act the way she does. But fortunately she's not my problem. Looking at it this way allowed me to detach myself from the situation and just go about my business. Thank G-d for that.

Reb Ur-A-Jew, Ur growing by leaps & bounds!!!!

Yesterday was one of those days that on a professional level I would have preferred to have skipped.  But B"H I'm sober and alive and on a professional level I did gain a lot this past month.  Thank You Hashem for everything.  I know even when it hurts it's all part of the Master plan.

"Sober and alive" and giving so much to us.  Your thread and your posts to our threads are always gold.  For the Mishkan.  In all of us.

Thanks

After a weekend full of death -- the brutal massacre in Eretz Yisroel, more than 10,000 people killed in Japan, and someone who I worked closely with recently committed suicide -- I would be remiss if I didn't take some time to contemplate the gift of life.  My recent practice of speaking out the birchas hashachar before I say the actual brocha made me immediately realize that it truly is a brocha to be a Yid. Given the constant ability to do a mitzvah, there is no circumstance that a Yid can say "I would be better of dead," making it worth taking one's own life.  Every action that we do is an opportunity to get a mitzvah.
So lesson number one is appreciate the opportunity I have in my ability to always perform a mitzvah.
I had not heard about the E"Y massacre until this morning. First through an email then on JM in the AM.  One of my first reactions was one of embarrassment. Yesterday I was busy shopping for my son's bar mitzvah. I thought to myself we are so caught up in the gashmiyus that I can be totally oblivious to what others in klal yisroel were going through.  True I may not have had an opportunity to hear about the massacre but I certainly am aware of people that are struggling to put food on their table.  A struggle that at least I can appreciate from my own financial struggles.  Moreover, listening to some of the people in the store -- one guy telling his son to get three hats since why should he have to "shlep" a hat home from Yeshiva -- makes me wonder whether we are missing both the forest and the trees.
So lesson number two is contemplate my surroundings.  Ask myself is what I am about to do going to lead me to fulfill my purpose in life.  If I am gone tomorrow (c"v) would what I am about to do be necessary, would I have done it differently if I knew that today could be my last day.
After listening to an interview of one of the rescue workers that came to the massacred house, they played Carlebach's nachamu.  Which made me realize that as tragic as the situation is, think about the pain (kaviyochul) of Avinu Sheboshomayim.  Look at how much He lost and look at how much He is yearning for all of this suffering and tragedy to end.  What have I done to help Him bring moshiach closer?  Which made me realize that the only things I really have to offer are just being a better Yid, and a better person.  Every second that I am shomer my eiynayim is making a difference in fighting terror, as is every minute that I push myself to learn --- and it truly is a push, one which I have had a pretty hard time doing ---I am making a difference, the same goes for saying a kind word to my wife or my child.  It was interesting because as I pulled up to my house returning from carpool I saw my son leave again late to school.  Normally I would let him walk.  But today I said I should be happy that I have this opportunity and I drove him which he certainly appreciated.  There is really nothing else that I can do to make a difference but to live life properly.
So lesson number three I quess is that I have in my own small way the ability to make a difference.  I just have to seize the moment.
The final thing, thinking about what is going on in Japan is really just a chazarah of everything I wrote above.  Reb Matisyahu Solomon Shlita always quotes the chazal that "Ain Yesurin Bo LOlam Elah B'shvil Yisroel.  The death toll is Japan is for one reason and one reason only.  To tell klal yisroel wake up it's time to change.
If I could at least internalize at least one of these messages, it won't bring anyone back to life but it will at least make that all this death was not in vain.
Thank You Hashem for the precious gift of life, please help me live it to its fullest.

Thank you Hashem for another sober week. Being less busy equated with a more lustful week. Fortunately I had GYE to turn to when I was bored and I was able to distract myself. I have no doubt that had I not discovered GYE this past year, this past week would not have been a good one.
Thank you Hashem for sleep this week. Being more lustful just made me want to be with my wife more. Having GYE and the tools I've learned made me prepared when G-d's plans (and therefore my wife's) were not the same as mine. So whereas in the past I would have sexless and sleepless nights now I slept.
Thank you Hashem for helping me be able to talk things out (I think) when the financial blues hit again and for helping the cruddy moods that followed dissipate.
Thank you Hashem for giving us Shabbos.
Thank you Hashem for Purim and for assisting me in being mehapech my life as I've known it for too long.
A wonderful Shabbos to all.

Someone asked me yesterday how I was doing and I wanted to write, would feel better if I had had sex the night before. But I was reminded of the story I think with the Chofetz Chaim in which he asked someone how he was doing. To which the person responded "could be better". The Chofetz Chaim answered "if it could be better it would be better". You were put in this matzav by the RBSO because that is best thing for you right now. So no it would not have been better had I had sex the night before. Got to keep reminding myself. Fortunately while the bedroom has been a bit shaky these days the one thing I still have is the ability to talk to Hashem whenever I want. Thank You Hashem for that and please give me the strength to put my trust and faith only in you.

For honesty's sake and for the selfish reason that I want to stay sober, I have to admit that I read for work more than what was necessary from a sexually explicit document.  I don't consider it a fall since there was nothing so triggering, but in my pre-GYE days reading that same document piqued my curiosity and ultimately led me to some bad stuff.  Sometimes we never learn.  It's always good to remind myself that I can never be too complacent since this addiction is not going away anytime soon and that curiosity can kill the cat and the addict.

On other fronts, Thank Hashem all is well.

ur-a-jew wrote on 30 Mar 2011 20:59:

you should get a top-hat, you are giving Honest Abe a run for his money...

you are doing great!

You are no stranger to recovery, so you know what I am about to say:

Ashrecha, v'ashrecha.

See-ya!

I recently heard a vort from Reb Lopian (not sure if it was the son or grandson), we say Aveinu Malkaynu Kusvaynu B'Sefer Zechuyos, he asked either we have the zechuyos or we don't have them, so what precisely are we asking for?  Reb Lopian answered that sometimes we will be in a situation were timing is everything.  Being in Sefer Zechuyos is about having the Zechus to be in the right place at the right time.  Yesterday, I went online to buy something and I had to get info and I initiated an instant chat.  The lady comes on and she had one of those names (Rachav Mzinah Bishma).  I thought to myself that sounds like a name to research.  But I didn't let my mind process that thought, because I knew that I don't want to even go there.  Within the half hour I get a chat from a buddy saying I'm reaching out to you since you'll understand, a name came up that I want to research.  I told him what perfect timing sinec I had just experienced the same feeling, the discussion worked and sholom al yisroel (at least for this time as he pointed out today).  That is what it means being written B'Sefer Zechuyos, just being in the right place at the right time.

So I learned something interesting.  When I went on to the site and saw the triggering name, I could have gotten all depressed why is G-d doing this to me?  Does He hate me?  Here I am trying to get better and look what happens.  If I would have thought that it would have been much harder to resist and do away with  the feeling.  It likely could have spiraled to a situation where I would have been conducting some search when my buddy contacted me.  What would have I said.  "Don't do it, I'm doing it right now and its not worth it" or said nothing because I was so embarrased and he getting no response starts doing the same thing.  The RBSO wasn't sending me that name because He hates me.  Just the opposite He was sending me the name, because He knew that I could overcome it, and that I would have the ability to relate to my buddy better when he reached out for me.  My buddy having someone to speak out his feelings to was able to move on, I get to write this post and Moshiach is two steps closer and the rest is history.  In short, when presented with a nisayon, don't look at it as rejection from above, but acceptance.  Second, when someone reaches out to you, there is no need to tell them don't do that, relating to their desires and feelings is often enough to help us see the insanity of the actions that we want to take. 

Thank you Hashem for another sober day, for more lessons for living and for giving me the opportunity to be in the right place at the right time.

Thank you Hashem for such kind-hearted and truly good people like UAJ!

This is very nice to read, thanks again sir!

Megalgalin zchus al yedai zakai.

Reb Ur-a-Jew, YOU are a zakai!!!!

Thank you, Jew, for the beautiful posts.