bardichev wrote on 27 Aug 2010 04:00:


Wow, Reb Barditchev. I never realise the depth behind what you write. Thank you.

i am still clean. i tried to cry to hashem to help me last night but its hard to. i tried to think about how tired i am of falling. how tired i am of starting over. how tired i am of not having control of my body. how tired i am that my body controls my body. in the end that isnt what saved me. but it helped me get emotional to hashem. i wish i could have cried, but who cares? hashem saw me trying to cry and trying to take control and gave me a gift. i only listen to jewish music and i have a couple cds. so i tried to listen to it to distract my mind from all the things i saw. the type of cd that it was wasnt a kumzits type of cd where you can listen and close your eyes and sing along (out loud or in your head). i dont have any of those (i do want some though ) it was just a cd that you sit down to it to enjoy. it has fast(ish) songs. but b/c of my mood i was able to sit down and grow from it. (after all the words are still pesukim and holy sayings/ maamarei chazal)so i was listening to it thinking that there was no possible way for me to control myself. and i tell myself who cares if in an hour i have a fall who cares. and i put all concentration onto the words of the cd. and i started think about them and about every letter is emes-truth that there is nothing but hashem. so in the end of the night i fell asleep. and woke up this morning happy that i didnt fall.

today is day 13. a day of teffilah. today represents the 13 midas harachamim. elul is a time of rachamim. i think in the beis medrish part of the website im gona write my ravs drasha......its gevaldig!!!!!! and it has so much to do with this!

thank u ovadia!!

Just a quick 'hi,' so you'll know that there are more fans rooting for you here than those who post.

(Not to even mention all those lurkers out there who don't yet feel they have the to register and post. Hint....)

Kids who tackle this early in life... amaze me. Wow. Keep going, from strength to strength. Which is to say, may HKB'H bentsch you with success in some OTHER area of life in ADDITION to this area, just so you'll know He's really listening and proud of you.

ok.  so here i am. still day 13. im home alone. here on the computer. we do have a tv in my house (UNFORTUNATELY) my parents watch it. it would be soooooooo easy to go and watch it. i could soooooo easily find something that is considered p*** or that will turn me on. im trying to push till tomorrow. i start yeshiva tomorrow. that will take a lot of time off of my hands. something which i notice is still a hard attitude thing. is that i feel that im done with the addiction.
this was a problem ever since before i realized how addicte i was. its amazing how after 2 days clean the yetzer can already convince you that your done and moved on.
also im trying to do more reading on other threads. its hard to cus some of them are already so long.
until later
HS

day 14
i started yeshiva today. we are learning meseches pesachim.i have a great rebbe. he's very smart. my english scheduale is AP bio/ economics/ english/ math
on my way home from yeshiva felt an extra urge to look at the women on the street. i feel really weak. i really dont like the kids that i go to school with. the vast majority of them are very immature and will make perverted jokes alllll the time. and kids that talk to girls. etc. there are kids that are more like me (serious) but i cant avoid the other kids since i have class with them. and its hard cus in the 1st place i dont like my yeshiva. im not saying its a "bad" yeshiva i just dont feel like its right for me since im on a higher level. and also the way that things are going at home with family also complicates things (i wont specify here in public. maybe in a pm) so maybe these things together gives me anxiety and thats why all of a suddon i feel an extra desire for p*** and m*******. i thought that now that im at yeshiva it would be easier. but it teaces us a lesson. the yetzer never gives up. but who cares? do you know who else doesnt give up? hashem. its hashem who fights our battles. he never gives up. (im about to publicly speak to hashem:) "hashem, here i am after 14 long days of being clean. my body is telling me that im so tired of fighting and its time to give up. but between me and you hashem, my body is stupid. my body thinks that it has been fighting this whole time. it is a fool cus youre really the one fighting for me. so hashem i beg of you, please continue to fight my battle. i surrender my lust to you. im taking my lust and sacrafising it on the mizbayach as a korban to you. please help me continue to stay clean and sober"

torah corner (i said that i would put this in the beis medrish but i didnt have time so ill summarize it here)
the way that chazal refers to doing an aveira is that some was over an aveirah (he passed an aveirah) and that some was mekayam a mitzvah (he established a mitzva) its kind strange these 2 ways of expressing it. so my rav said that in truth, what we do is we revers is. we are mekayim an aveirah and we are over a mitzvah. cus what we do is we focus on an aveirah and we get depressed and thats all we can think about. so therfore we are mekayim an aveirah (we establish an aveirah) and when we do a mitzvah we forget about it. we dont think about it.so we are over a mitzvah (we just pass by it)  but really it should be opposite. i did an aveirah? ok i need to work harder, i make stronger fences and thats it. done. and what we are supposed to do when we do a mitzvah is to mekayim a mitzvah. to think about it and not forget about it. so in our battle a person has a fall? ok make a stronger fence and thats that. but every time you control yourself you have to constantly remember WOW look at that mitzvah i just did. look at how i just controlled myself!
keep writing
HS 

hello my friends. i just had a beutiful thought (still day 14) when i was in the "prime of my addiction" (in 8th grade) i looked at P*** every single day and M********at least once every single day looked at women on the street as often as possible. there was some things that i shouldnt say cus of sensitivity (but just to clearify, ive never had s** BH or anything that serious)  but here i am. during the main part of the summer i went most of the time 2 days between easch fall put a filter on my computer so i didnt look at p*** and controled my eyes a lil better and etc.
im not saying that im done with my addiction even though my yetzer wants me to think that. im saying to anyone who reads this and look at how far you have come. even if you havnt made big progress yet. the mere fact that you are here shows big progress. so lets all take a sec to think about how far we have come so far. maybe tomorrow if i have time ill make a thread dedicated to everyone saying this type of a thing. untill then,
hatzlacha
hs
p.s. if anyone is good as massaging backs, i could go for one.  ;D

Soldier!! Beautiful ideas. Count me in as one of your admirers.

day 15!! as i mentioned before its getting harder. i just got home. we had a full day of school today. its still difficult.
did anyone ever realize how special the phrase "let go and let G-d"  is? that is the fundamental idea of emunah and bitachon. im really tired. i guess that is good though. its already 7. and tomorrow we start having night seder also. so ill get home at 8 instead of 7.
but at the same time its still hard. in my opinion these are the hardest part of the addiction:
1) shemiras ainaim
2)controlling yourself when your in an enviorment of a bunch of kids in your class that arnt on the same level that you are on
3)controlling yourself under stressful situations (ex. having a jerk father)
as of now those are what i notice are main issues for me.
thanks
HS

HashemsSoldier wrote on 01 Sep 2010 00:19:

We are still looking for the easy part. Please make sure to post it when you find it!  ;D

day 16! tomorrow i tie my record. but record shmecork, who cares????? every second im breaking a new record. here is the famous words said my many (of my rebbeim  ) every second is a one time thing. this second that i am in right now will never ever happen again. there is no way to get it back, once its lost its lost forever. so every second that us addicts control ourselves, we make a new world record. hashem goes back to look into the guiness book of world records and sees our picture and our story there.
on a lower note, i was walking just a little bit ago and was behind a lady and looked,
on a higher note, i controlled myself after a while and walked a lot faster to get around them
on an even higher note i dont care about the yetzer saying "but he still looked!!!" cus that is what we are here for, to struggle, i looked but then i did teshuva by not looking, jokes on you yetzer harah  ;D ;D ;D

Hah!

YH is a machmir!!

Fayf oon

Keep on trucking!

HashemsSoldier wrote on 02 Sep 2010 01:14:



;D ;D ;D;D ;D ;D;D ;D ;D;D ;D ;D;D ;D ;D;D ;D ;D;D ;D ;D;D ;D ;D;D ;D ;D
Keep it up!!

Every time bardichev posts, I get hungry.
8)

today is the night of the 18th!
my new record! sorry i missed a couple posts. its been reallllly busy. its also been hard for me. im tired and exhausted.
i almost had a fall. but i pushed myself. i was scared to have a fall cus rosh hashana is around the corner.
i dont have time to post. i just want you to know that im still here