hey
this is my story about how i got caught up in this addiction

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2876.0

today is day 4 for me

now im 16 going into junior year. in the middle of sophmore year my computer broke so i couldnt access **** except i was addicted. as many other people here might know i would have done anything , ANYTHING, to get to porn. baruch hashem i wasnt able to. but i couldnt help myself from my fantasies and nevertheless i still had falls. then i started doing better and having more control and going long times and then falling. my sibling were in israel for the year so when my bro came ack he fixed the computer. and i kept on controlling myself. i got up to day 17 and then couldnt go any longer and looked at **** on my new unfiltered computer. and since then i had more frequent falls and looked at  **** more ofen. on aug 11 (8 days ago) i got the K9 filter and wasnt able to look at **** anymore except i found loopholes. now  my filter is foolsproof (hopefully) now i need to work on when im on the street and controlling my eyes. i hope this time i can make it till 90 days!

this is a continuation, im still on day 4.

obviously in the beginning the longer you go the harder it gets. (until you make it clean for a while something i haven't achieved, YET). the (assistant) filter gabbai and i work on my filter so i cant look at anything. i was going out of my mind. i have screaming at the yetzer harah "yetzer, dont you want me to have a fall?? ?? why dont you let some very immodest lady walk in front of me so i can look??" but then it came to me, hashem! hashem made rules for the yetzer. he isnt aloud to have free reign. otherwise no1 would be able to survive. no man would be saved from gehinom if satan had free reign. so 20 min later when me and my mom went to go pick up my neice from day care. on the way there  there happened to be a lot of extremely immodest traffic on the sidewalk and i probably looked for 1 extra sec than i should have. but i told myself this is it! this is the yetzer in his own environment since he doesnt have free reign and hashem wants me to make sure he continues to not have any power so i looked down.

i had a lot of thoughts so this might not be so clear        

a big yashar koach to you for your courage, accomplishment and sharing. your sharing inspires people like me. may I suggest that you add to your tools the idea that right now I can keep clean till I fall asleep. it is a shorter and more atainable goal.

yes i will try to keep that in mind. sometimes its hard cus you want to see the final goal and it feels like it is taking forever. but thanks for the reminder. in order to  count to 10 you dont say 1...10. you count 1 2 3...until you finally make it to 10

today is the beggining of day 5.

during davening i had a bad thought from stuff i saw before i had a filter on my computer and i was trying to get it out. i looked at my teffilen asking hashem to completely nullify the desires of my heart to him. but it didn't go away. after a couple min i decided to just continue davening and to think about the words im saying. it just "happened" to be that i was in u'va le'tzion by the words baruch hu elokainu (blessed is G-d that he created us for his glory and separated us from the people who make mistakes etc.) what a holy idea. hashem separated us from those goyim who don't care about shemiras einaim.

after davening i learn after i learn i drive home, there was so much on the streets and i had trouble controlling my eyes. after about 3 secs. i repeated to myself this idea i mentioned above. hashem seperated us from this tumah from this impurity, and hashem knows what is best, why should i go and reconnect myself to impurity?

right now it is 11:22 AM and i have to clean for shabbas. shabbas is funny, on shabbas i have a special strength (most of the time) to control myself from m***** but since there are so many frum girls dressing nice for shabbas its so hard for me to control myself.  but usually my rebbis shabbas drashas suring davening are so inspiring i try to keep the chizuk for the rest of shabbas (and after shabbas.)

if i dont write later today ill write after shabbas how i did on shabbas. until then,....
let all of us take the chizuk of "when you will go out to war" and learn from the torah how to fight our battles and from learning how to fight our battles mashiach will be on his way!!!!

continuation of day 5:
tonight is gona be a late night, i have 3 shalom zachors to go to. (even though im 16 im really close to a lot of older guys. in fact the guy i talk to in real life about this issue just got engaged!!!! except he gona be lot busier now so it will be harder to talk:(    my family also makes regualr shabbas. and last night even though i went to bed earlier than usual, i am more tired today than usual so i went to go take a nap. and before i fell asleep i had a HUGE urge to m***** i would start to have a bad thought/pic/fantasy and i would push it away, then another one would come in and i would push it away. finally i fell asleep i dont remember my dream or if i even had one. but when i woke up the urge was even stronger.
so after 8 min of running around in mental circles when i was finally about to give in to the yetzer i said no i cant i cant and i got up out of bed and ran right here to the computer to involve myself in this holy website instead of impurity.

now i can start to clean my house for shabbas in purity!!

so for those who it is already shabbas for, continue to have a good one,
for those who are also getting read, have a good shabbas!
and for those who are already in the mikvah, have a git zibetzin!! (yiddish isnt so easy to write in english, sorry for that ;D

ok. this is the end of day 6. it is motzei shabbas. this last shabbas was incredibaly painful in my tests and i wanted to have a fall. in all 16 years of my life i dont think i have ever acheived the amount of willpower and self-control that i had to use today in order to control myself. if not for this forum i have no doubt in my head that i would have fallen. the fact that now i have a "journal" that is public, i cant stand to disappoint my "fans"  (even if 5 out of my 6 posts are by myself ;D ;D ;D ;D )

ok here is the shabbas drasha that my rav said at shul. get ready, it is hardcore chassidus it is about emunah and at the end ill add a little bit about our struggle from my own thoughts. (im summarizing this and only writing basically what he said)
today we read parshas zachor.
so before amalek attacked we arrived in refidim and chazal says it comes from ripui yaddaim (weakening of the hands) we weakened our hands from the torah
Q: if we want to say we went away from the torah it should have said we weakened ourselves from torah why did it say our hands? ( i skipped a couple other q's)
the 2 times a year we read parshas zachor is 3 weeks before rosh hashana. 3 weeks from this shab. is rosh hashana and from parshas zachor 3 weeks later is rosh chodesh nissan (nissan is the 1st of all the months it is rosh hashana for the months) so there must be some meaning for this.
so rosh hashana represents hashkacha protiyos that hashem created everything and takes care of it. nissan is that hashem created the jews and loves us like an only son. by rosh hashana it says in a possuk -with the hand that hashem createdd the world (i dont remember the passuk) and by nissan it say yad hachazaka.
so what happened is that the bnei yisrael lost these to hands. their belief in these 2 hands got weakened, they lost pure emunah. therefore amalek was able to attack them.
(that is very very very very basically what he said....maybe in the future ill write down more of his drashas)

my addition. if we forget for even a sec. that it is hashem who fights addictions, then we are doomed. if we remember at every sec. that it is hashem who gives us strength to fight against our bad thoughts and from against our bodily desires than in no time we will have complete control over our bodies and our desires. and with hashems help, may we all be zoche to realize it is hashem who fights the yetzer. and with that we should be zoche to meshiach bimhayra biyamaynu

HashemsSoldier wrote on 22 Aug 2010 03:03:

Dont count the posts, make the posts count.  ;D ;D ;D

Great work. Keep it up.

Have a Gut Voch!

-Yiddle

yay more life in my thread!! thanks yiddle!!

and trust me, you will see many many more posts in the future, and with hashems help, each one of them will be full of success!!!!!

aright guys. its 1 42 im the afternoon, that meens that half of day 7 is complete, BH.
i dont usually go to the mall but school is starting in a week and i need new clothes. o boy was it hard. 1st off, the entrance that i used was the entrance to the womens side (by accident). so from the get-go the yetzer harah wanted to have an all out war.
then i went upstais to get to the mens section, and thank G-d that for the most part i there (almost) by myself since goyim dont dress the same as i do. i wear button down shirt and i hope to get ones with a white backround and maybe stripes. (unfortunately the type of kids im in school with i cant wear white and black cus i would seperate myself by doing that. then i needed to go to a diff store. where the pants they have are cheaper. this was the 1st time in a while i was at the mall. wow is all i can say all advertisements are about s*x and women. there is nothing moral about there advertisements. in fact i might consider some advertisements softcore p***.....i obviously had a tremendous taavah to look at every ad. and every (practically) naked lady who walked past me. i had an urge like i have never had before. the amount of taavah cant be put into words. but somehow i had a supernatural self-control. it was directly from hashem  i looked at the ground. i looked at the step of the escalator that i was standing on EVEN THOUGH I WOULD HAVE HAD THE BEST VIEW OF ALMOST EVERY LADY IN SIGHT wow.
at the end of my mall experience i can honestly say that for all of us fighting on hashems side, it was a victory against the yetzer NOT A DEFEAT but a huge victory.

except one problem. im weak now. now when i go onto the street its hard, i lost a lot of strength to fight. im gona try to go outside as little as poss today, unless it is to shul. cus shu is a place to strengthen ourselves. as chazal says if he yetzer takes you, say shema if that doesnt work go the the deis medrish (idr the exact gemorah)

on the up side. tomorrow until Thursday i will be babysitting from 12-6. that takes care of the whole day! then at 6 ill come home come look at all the new posts here on GYE then go to mincha at 7 20ish. that takes care of almost the rest of this week. then next week i start school! awesome! junior year! that will also take a lot of time off my hands! so starting tomorrow, for the next 83 days you wont hear from me untill the end of the days. (except by succos vacation then youll hear from me more often again  ;D ;D

Awesome dude! Keep up the hard work, and keep writing. I'll keep reading :D

thanks ano. i really appreciate it. thanks

today by mincha during hashiveinu i really poured out my heart to hashem to help us all overcome the yetzer. i didnt cry, but i felt a tear or 2.
also by refa'ainu i davened to hashem to heal each and every one of us from our addictions

HS you are a real soldier. Really I have no words to describe the strength you are demonstrating.

Just one word of advice. A big mitake which I made here on GYE was that after some Hatzlocho, I thoght that I had got it out of my system and that I was free. That was a really big mistake. Just remember that the Y"H NEVER EVER GIVES UP. You might get a "break" but if you let down your guard, it comes back.

Hatzlacha

thanks ovadia.
i know what youre talking about, ive felt that feeling before. and im telling myself "remember the time i had a 17 day steak? yet i still had a fall"

todays is day 8. ill write about anything worth interest later today. but until then i have a q. i feel like ive been having a lot of wet dreams since this last time ive started my battle for 90 days. i think the only night i didnt have a wet dream in the past couple days was on shabbas. is that normal? is it possible that now that im putting a lot of effort into controlling my eyes and fantasies that when i do see something or think something, it stays in my mind and i have a wet dream? i would love to hear any comments on this.......thanks

HashemsSoldier wrote on 23 Aug 2010 16:22:

I believe that it is normal.  I think it is just another tool of the Y"H to try to bring you down, as if to say look you're really not that good.  My own eitzah is to take some preventive measures such as Kriyas Shema al Hamittah and saying the first four perekim in tehillim before going to sleep which is a shemirah against wet dreams.  And, if it does happen to just move on and not get sidetracked.  You can also say Tikkun Klali.  The main point is not to let it distract you from the proper path that you are on.  Reading your posts you appear  to be headed in the right direction.  Hatlzacha for continued success.