Ok I know I havent been on for nearly three weeks, just havent had the oppurtunity for some reason. Yesterday I tried to go on a few times but every time the YH would disturb me.
Ive BH been clean for 14 days now. The last 4 days have been really difficult and driving me crazy.
On Friday I was reading a magazine that was ok, but had one particular bad image which I looked at for way too long, Friday night I looked at it again and then continued to read other very borderline magazines, which I should definately not have ben reading on a Shabbos never mind ever. I was tempted to M* but I was so tired that I didnt.
On Shabbos morning as I was walking too shul I told myself you need to really strenghten yourself today while you still can so that tonight you live. Hashem has his ways and it turned out to be a strong inspirational Shabbos and even Motzeai Shabbos was quite solid.
Sunday was a different story altogether. After a long morning I got unfocused and I went on to a semi-pornographic site ( does that even make sense).I was really planning on acting out...
Then Hashem sent miracles to me - first I needed to load some program inorder to watch the videos and before I could even watch I got disturbed and had to leave the computer. (The next part makes no sense, I dont understand it, Hashem for some reason did just not want me to fall) - As I was about to eat lunch I just said to myself Nah I dont want to fall, the YH just left ( for then), no struggle nothing he just left, it defys the laws of nature. That afternoon the YH kept coming back enticing me to fall. Between Mincha and Maariv the YH started fighting like crazy, I battled him with Siyata Dishmaya, it was really difficult but I knew if I passed this it would be a massive achievment.
Anyway it was a crazy weekend and today ha been pretty good BH but the Yetzers still lurking. He keeps changing strategies, he know trys to make me think that people who M* are happy, that theres nothing inherently wrong with it - Im sure a lot of people can relate to this. Im still going Baruch Hashem
Even though I havent been able to go on guardyoureyes I have read the emails which make the YH run away. I have quite a bit of free time in the next few days so I better watch out.
Oh by the way, does anyone have any suggestions of Sefarim in simplish Hebrew(preferably not English) that are easily availabe, that are inspirational and help with Avodat Hashem. Would be nice if anyone can help out.
Tizkeh Lmitzvot!!!
