Thanks sci

Thanks for the quotes. 
And thanks for all your help on my thread.  You really helped boost me our of my horrible relapse and into full blown recovery.

Hey DC (I vote for washing cycle, myself.  Gilgul might not be bad), I can't remember what I might have written, but whatever it was, to know that it came through my fingers into a computer that has heretofore been abused with shmutz to the max and that somehow it was helpful, is touching, and I appreciate your saying so.

Nu, so how's it going?  I'm still flat like a latke.  By Maairv, I just gave up on trying to daven with kavonoh.  (As a rav friend of mine once said, "Och! I davened Shacharis like a dog".)  All I can do is recite somebody else's words because that's what Hashem wants me to do.  There was no guarantee that I'd get to feel something.  Plodding.  I'm gona post what I think might be going on in another post.  But anyway, let's go on together.  Keep me "posted".  Again, Yshcoiach.

From destructive cycle post on Schmendricks thread reply 117, 8/13/10


Quote from: recovery nation

    So, in preparing your road to recovery, you will need to prepare yourself for a time when you might feel empty inside. It will come after the euphoria of beginning your recovery, and it will come after you have put an end to your desire to continue your life the way that it is. This period may last a few days, it may last a few weeks. Rarely, will it ever last longer than that. And in those few weeks, your goal will be to recognize this emptiness, and begin to fill it with the values and the dreams that you believe in.

More on latkes.  so I'm still looking into this "flat" business.  And I find out that flat is really sulking, resentments.  (want a list?).  At mommy and daddy, and sister and brother, and baba and zeidah, and all the kids at school, and yes, Hashem.  Nobody "got" me. I was/am sooo special.  How could they not have appreciated, valued, loved me.  ME.

So I'm just going to sit here and sulk, and not let anybody in until they get me and appreciate and value and love and ooh and ahh over me and all my wonderfullnesses.  And as for you, Hashem, that goes for You too. You let all this happen.  Where were YOU when all this was going down?  Nope. You're banished too.

The yetzer doesn't tell me to go rob a bank. No.  He tells me that I'm justified in being hurt and angry at what they did, and didn't do.  And if Hashem wants me to be a good Yiddelleh, "b'col meodecha", then he's just going to have to make it happen.  I don't seem to be able to do anything right, anyway, and nobody loves me anyway. I think I'll eat some worms. Better yet, I think I'll go do "it".

The yetz tells me I'm right.  And me, not so enlightened little Yid that i am, go for it, hook slime and stinker. Oy.

"But I feel flat", he whined.  And much understanding "availed me nothing".  So tonight I had a talk with my Rav.  Seems that saying no to the yetzer that would have me cling to my resentments, and the resentment-bound identity--I AM flat--is the same as saying no to the yetzer when it comes to acting out lust.  I can cling to my sulky, like a binky, and lust for my binky, just like I can cling to my p&m, crave my p&m.  But I'm sixty some days saying no to my yetzer about acting out with the shmutz.  I can also say no to the yetzer about being a sulky person and clinging to my little mad-on.  Knowing that I'm probably going to slip and fall all over the place, but that I can be just as determined about binky as I am about shmutz.  I can do my avodah, as best I can, and Daven my little heart out, because I really don't want to be sullen, I really don't want to be into shmutz.

Then the Rav tells me a way to talk to the yh when I notice myself being b'sulky rather than b'simcha.  Paraphrasing the Lubavitch Rebbe, he said (roughly), "There's one time when it's ok to be prideful, indeed we should be full of ourselves and our egos.  That's when we catch it that the yetzer's cooking up something, starting with the little back-of-the-mind whispers.  Then we should say, 'Me?  You want ME to do WHAT???.  You're joking right?  do you know what a talmud chacham I am.  Do you know that I'm one of Hashem's favorite children.  For me it's a local call.  ME? The great 1daat.  Never!  It's not even a consideration.  Now leave. I'm a very important person.  I don't have time for this."

So whether that's useful or not, every time I think about doing that it makes me smile and beam...  And that's b'simcha!

Yea!  Baruch Hashem. 

Ok, You can come in...  a little.

KUTGW!!

day 80.  all quiet.  Hashem rains blessings--hashgacha pratis, letting go and hashg prat happens.  ONE AFTER ANOTHER.  Insights about davening, like a Rav is teaching me right there.  Davening's not late hardly ever any more.  Bez"H one day stacked on top of another. Kavanoh's at a new level.  All this, just for today.  Tomorrow will be what it will be.

There is no way to thank you all, and if I start naming you I'll for sure miss someone.  But I want you to know that whenever I feel triggered, I can now think about all the tiereh Yidden here who have my back, and give me strength an encouragement. And for the first time in my life I'm not living with a secret that makes me always pretending with people. 

Hashem has kept His promise to me, through GYE, and all your help.  Thanks

These are some posts that were made to a link to Breaking Free Board, "anybody out there" thread by Confidence

"www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2590.0

This was a really amazing thread for me to read, and really spoke to me.

These are some of the posts that I want to save for myself so I can re-read them when I need them.  Maybe they'll speak to someone else.  I don't know if this is an ok thing to do because I haven't seen anybody do it, but it has reminders for me of important stuff.

DesertLion wrote on 03 Jun 2010 21:59:




Some words from Dov...

dov wrote on 11 Jun 2010 17:34:




shmiras wrote on 27 Jun 2010 07:42:


a boy once asked his father at the zoowhy the elephant didn't just uproot the fence and run away. thinking it was a good question the two decided to ask the zookeeper. his asnwer was "when the elephant was a newborn, he tried over and over to uproot the fence. all those memories of failure and frustration have remained with him until his adulthood preventing him from realizing his own potential."

dov wrote on 28 Jun 2010 04:53:


Confidence wrote on 16 Jun 2010 18:04:

From Wall of Honor "Re: Eye.nonymous official count"  Reply #563 on: February 09, 2010, 07:36:29 PM »

dov wrote on 09 Feb 2010 17:36:

bardichev wrote on 17 Aug 2010 15:02:

day 88.  I'm feeling isolated and alone again.  Now I know it's not hiding the porn and m from everybody that's always kept me distant and cautious and scared and sulking.  Because I haven't acted out for 88 days, but I still feel lonely. 

People stop by my little cottage just to say hi when they're walking their dogs or just out for a hike.  My children and I are close B"H.  I have one good good friend I can share everything with, laugh with, cry with.  And most of all I have all you guys.  Briut once said to me that I never had to be alone again now that I found GYE.  So it's not for lack of friendships and physical isolation. and it's not because I'm hiding a secret any more.  And I can talk with "H, and He lets me feel him there with me when I daven now, more than ever before.  No hoo hah, just that I'm closer and everyday He shows me one hashgacha pratis after another.  All day long.  Something dropped from the kitchen counter and I had to reach way around the trash to get it.  Ooh, it stretched my back so good.  How could I ever have gotten that geshmackdeh stretch if the plate hadn't fallen.  I don't resent all the little inconveniences that used to get me angry.  I look for why they happened that Hashem is doing something good for me. Another favor.  Another hug (I can't find that thread.  It was/is a beautiful thread).  So with all that, here I am and I'm feeling sad and lonely.  And I'm not going to ask myself, "why?"  Doesn't matter any more.

So this is the next thing to ask Hashem to help me with.  At least I've learned not to fix everything right away.  So I need to go daven Maairiv, and have a talk with Him at bedtime shmah.  Life is very simple without the porn and masturbating marathons.  So I'm hurting right now.  so I post.  Maybe somebody will be there, maybe not.  So I talk with my Creator, and he tells me the truth of the deepest place in my heart.  Sometimes He says to read Tehillim.  But always the comfort comes.  Even if it's just that this is something I have to live with for now.  Na'aseh v'nishmah.

This is good progress.  No analyzing.  No having to be "the smart one" (as Dov put it to me), just asking Hashem to help.  Please help. 

If some of you could just check in and let me know you're out there, that would help a lot. Thanks

Good night everybody.  Let's stay close...to each other, and to Him.  To anyone who's reading this, and needs protection from the yh tonight, I'll be thinking about you when I say Rephua Shlema tonight.

oops. missed day 90.  today is 91.  This is a good thing.  Because 90 was just 90 ones.  And 91 is just 91 ones.

Tonight I re-read posts that so many of you with so much love posted on my thread over the last months.  Reboino Shel Oilam, I have done nothing but disappoint you, mock you, hate you, disrespect you, and You repay me by bringing me to GYE, to this unbelievable gathering of Holy Yidden.  How You hold me, and make me cry with your blessings.  Atoh shoymeah t'philas kol peh.  How do I ever thank You?  How do I ever thank you all, rabosai?  I can barely type for the tears.

Thank You/you all for being there for me and with me.

Shmen and Halevi76, my brothers, I am deeply honored to have traveled with you.  We'll meet for Succos and make l'Chaims, leyn und tantz, Yes?  I'll chap a bottle from Bards.

mazel tov!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow!!!


follow me to the kretchmer

http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=1609.0

lchaim!!

Mazel Tov Daat.
Congratulations.
Wishing you a lifetime more of one days.
Continued Hatzlacha.

You know, I was just thinking.... (often a dangerous thing, but that's another story)...

In our lives, 90 days doesn't come until the END of the 90th day. Just like Bnai Yisroel messed up in counting 40 days at Sinai because it really meant at the END of a 40th day. So day 91 is really the celebration of 90 days.

And a belated 'shkoiach to you!

It's a little different than in Japan, where your FIRST birthday is the day of your birth. The year after that, that we'd call the first birthday, is the Japanese SECOND birthday.

So, ours is a counting of ACTION, while the Japanese count the mere state of being. So, ours is a life of action, not just standing on the sidelines while life happens.

Keep acting, holy brother. Or at least refrain from acting (out), which is itself an action.

You're doing great.