1daat, how are you?

Hey Zem,  I'm sorry I've been away and didn't post that.  I was getting ready for my "hearing" (trial) on my license.  Attorney meetings, last minute deadlines.  Blah Blah.  Then a major upset with my daughter, that I'll fill you in on later.  Thanks for checking in and asking how I'm doing.

On Briut's kick in the pants I got my light box and have been using it since Monday.  Who knows.  Probably too early, but I'll keep everybody posted.

Trial:  Actually went better than I'd hoped for.  They gave me a lot less than the minimum sentence.  I keep my license, pay a bunch of money, take a class, have my caseload monitored and go to therapy.  All doable.  I can't tell you how good it feels to have that behind me. 

I was very clear going into the hearing room that this was all up to Hashem, and that however it turned out it was for my and everybody else's good.  He so completely watched over me, I can't tell you.  Walking into that courtroom I was calm, relaxed, spoke with the District Attorney congenially, I knew I was in His hand.  Can't explain it.  Just knew.  One of those brochos He hands out where I can palpably experience His telling me, "I got it handled.  You think I can take the whole klal out of the pits, but that I'm gonna leave you hanging?  I love you, and I got it handled".  The judge's name was Cohen.  Can you believe?  He told us he'd be glad if we'd figure out a settlement.  We did.  Everybody was ok.  It took everything I had to keep my mouth shut and not wish him a chag sameyach.  Also, attorney said she'd take off some money from her bill. Whew.  Hashem is the most tender, reassuring Hashem.  Whaaaat did I just say??

My son and I are still strained, but it's clear we're both trying.  It's gonna take some time I think.  I figured out that for me I'm scared of feeling that awful rejection feeling that's driven me to lust 100 out of 100.  He's trying and withheld.  It's not the adolescent thing with parents.  I understand his reticence, I think, can't blame him, and know I need to go at his pace and not push.  Hard to do for a co-dependent like me.

Got past step 1 with the IRS.  In fact, they were falling all over themselves telling me what to do if the audit doesn't go well.  I documented everything right down to the dollar, so I'm hoping it'll go ok.  If not, Hashem will guide  me.  I know that now, especially after the license trial. 

Important good news.  My daughter and I haven't spoken in about four years.  Occasional emails and texts.  Sunday she called me sobbing, telling me she can't keep dealing (with her bipolar disorder) and she's taking pills and just called to ask for my forgiveness.  Yeah I know, some of that's manipulative, but you still don't mess around with a threat like that.  So I called her mother and together, B'H, we got my daughter's roommate and the police out looking for her.  Miraculously, checking on places by "hunches" alone, the police found her and got her to a hospital.  She's ok.  Thank God.  But Monday night we talked and laughed and made plans for how to get her meds straightened out, and therapy, etc. etc.  We spoke on skype, so we could see each other.  It was so filled with love, and relief on both our parts.  The distance is gone.  She called me earlier tonight to tell me what her psychiatrist had to say.  She took copious notes just so that she could share with me what's going on.  This is the Hand of God.  It was one miracle after another.  I've stopped calling things Hashgacha pratis.  Cuz it's ALL H" Prts. What can I ever say to Him, that He saved my daughter and our relationship. 

She's totally not observant.  She said she'd bench Chanukah licht.  Does this make a dad cry? 

Hashem, Abba, What can I say in a public place like this to express what's in my heart.  Over and over and over you've been caring for me as I tread this new path of t'shuvah.  I asked you to take over the whole shmutz problem.  and you did.  You showed me what I needed to do for a daily reprieve from my addiction.  And when I couldn't do it very well, You came and brought the Yidden on GYE who "somehow" knew just what I needed to hear.  I asked you to solve my problem with my son; with my parnasoh, my health, my dog (seems to be ok with Him to pray for one's dog); my deteriorating relationship with my daughter.  I asked you to help me get over my ex-, to find some simcha, and let go of terrible shameful things I've done.  Every detail you've handled.  And I try to say thank You when I talk to You, and during davening, but it will never be enough, never, Dovid Hamelech said it so perfect.  I just want you to know how much I love You, and that I know nothing, absolutely nothing could have ever happened over these last months without You making it so.  Abba, Abba, thank You.

Sorry this is so long.  Guess I had a lotta stuff bottled up there.

wow, idaat, i am so happy for you and so blown away by your connection to Hashem and how you express it all so well. so much good stuff. so great to hear. thanks for sharing all that.
beautiful, beautiful!
a happy, lichtige Chanukah!

Wow. Just, wow.

And who'd ever think that folks like us would see lives like ours and call them 'charmed.' Yet they are. Custom-made for us, one-by-one. Wow.

And you see that it's charmed, too. Wow.

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 01 Dec 2010 19:25:


Briut wrote on 02 Dec 2010 03:37:


Yeah, good stuff, a charmed miraculous life, that only looking back I can see was always for the best.  Thanks guys.  All I used to be able to see was the suffering.  I don't know that I suffer less, necessarily, but now it hurts so good, B"H.

And now we're off to see if being clean is an option for the rest of tonight and, Bz'H for tomorrow. 

Thank you for being there all the way my precious friends.  Thank you for being there all the way my precious God.  Oh, oops, I need to go daven mayriv.  Can we hang out? Please.

a lichtig un freliche Chanuka.

1daat wrote on 02 Dec 2010 05:12:
I hope you see that your gratitude for a charmed life and your chiyuv to daven maariv are really the same thing. (It's not quite clear from your loshon.) Refu'enu -- You're healing me (and all of us) - You're awesome! Sh'ma kolenu -- You hear my prayer, personally, as if You're standing right here - thanks. R'tze... I'm sure you get the idea. Indeed, in my apikorsusdike view of things, you started davening Shmona Esray with those thoughts, before you even got to shul.

But you probably know that already. B'hatzlacha!

Briut wrote on 02 Dec 2010 16:50:
  Cute.  "It's not quite clear from your loshon"  How can a blind man speak about what he can't see?  This is so beautiful.  How could I see?  It's hard to see when I'm running someplace.  That's why we need each other.  To see, to help us see such beauty as you brought down here.  Such beauty and truth as is not possible to see when our heads are buried in the "stuff".

Briut wrote on 02 Dec 2010 16:50:
this is so beautiful.  I've probably re-read it ten times or more.  Thanks for seeing this and sharing it.  Just amazing stuff keeps coming out of you. 

Briut wrote on 02 Dec 2010 16:50:
  1)  Seems to me you do what R'Steinsalz once said somewhere, that when the gemara is closed, we kiss it.  When it's open, we pound it.  Your pounding doesn't sound apikorusdike (nice word!).  It sounds like "Hadeyk Heyteyv, Heyteyv Hadeyk".  And 2) Such Chizuk as you bring to point out to a blindeh Yid that he was davening before davening could never be apikorsus.  Ain't it why we're here?  To help each other see what's so when we guard our eyes?

Briut wrote on 02 Dec 2010 16:50:
Uh...ryeeeet.  Cute.  I got pahtcht in cheder for less than that.

Briut's still de man 8)

Past my bedtime.  But I just gotta tell you guys.  Today I got an email from my daughter, the one who I've just "rekindled" relationship with.  There was nothing in the email except a picture of her menorah with second licht.  It was so beautiful, stunning that she would know just how to tell me she loves me, that she is finding her way back to the derech.  I've davened for that for sooo long. 

Abba Abba, I would love you no matter if I never got what I wanted.  I am learning that what You give me is always for the best.  You have been so patient with me.  You've taught me Your way of patience and love.  A love that never goes away.  K'racheym ahv ahl banim.  I could bring a little of this to my daughter and son thanks to how You deal with me.  But such brochos!  So much.  Such ...such...like I said last night, who has words besides David hamelech?  She benct licht!  ...masbiya l'chol chai ratzon.  Joy to tears.  thank you for such undeserved blessing after blessing.

1daat wrote on 03 Dec 2010 06:11:
Your last post is so beautiful. Truly. But meanie that I am, I'm gonna jump all over your case regarding one little word. One little letter, in fact. "K"

"K'racheym ahv ahl banim." Yeah, I hear the loshon of yomim noraim in there. But it's the "Ki" part, suggesting that G-d's acts are LIKE a father shows compassion to his children. I don't like that "Ki." It's not, chas v'sholom, as if we want HASHEM to act as us screw-ups-of-fathers-here-on-earth might act! No, no , no. The true Father is HASHEM. So WE should be trying to act in the ways that we see HASHEM acting toward US.

In other words, a great thought you made there but I'm wondering if we don't need to stand it on its head.

So for me, the question in my own life becomes, how can I imitate the kind of loving actions that Hashem shows toward me, in the way I act toward my own children.

Or to paraphrase the reborn Xschians, "What Would [Avinu she'baShamayim] Do?"  WWAD.

I'm not sure I've phrased this ranting very well, but I'm hoping the pshat is in there somewhere.

Anyhow, enjoy the yiddishe nachas from your kinderlach, just like I'm sure HE is doing.

Hey, what happened to my response to Briut?

Here it is...again.  Imagine I'd just read your post.  ready?  Here goes.
niiiice!

niiiice!

Clearly this guy has waaay too much time on his hands.

1daat wrote on 08 Dec 2010 00:04:
Yeah, maybe you do have waaay too much time on your hands. But considering what you used to have waaay too much of on your hands , compulsive posting is probably not the worst of the options. KOT.

daat you are so spiritual!

ok, I asked for it.  You guys crack me up.  touche Briut.  LOL.

Woah!  Been along time.  Update:
        Went to see my son.  It was easygoing.  We talked more about "us", but not too much.  It'll take time, but we both had a hard time saying good bye, we just kept hanging around and hanging around.  This is good.

    My daughter and I talk now regularly.  Even with skype video.  I think she's coming out of the woods medically.  She sent me another picture of herself lighting Chanukah licht.  I printed it and framed it, and put it next to a picture my mother painted of a woman benching Shabbos licht.  This is also good.

    My hearing didn't go so good.  At first I thought it did, but the lawyer missed a whole section that's going to be a problem.  This is not so good.

    Hashem and I talk more these days.  I seem to need to re-learn over and over, that I don't have to be frightened that things will turn out "badly", and I'll be scared and lonely.  When I let go, and let Him bring me under his wing, It's all ok.  It always has turned out miraculously (how did I ever get here to GYE???), and it always will.  I don't know why this slips through my fingers so often.  Maybe cuz it's new.  but come Mincha, I'm back to my old frightened, controlling mind.  I have to start from scratch--notice I'm wound up out of control; pay attention that I'm daveining to HIM; let it all go. 

Off to Shmot...

1daat as I was going on to the site I was thinking to myself you know who I haven't heard from lately, maybe I should drop 1daat a hello. And lo and behold look who is on top. Great to hear things are going well with the kids. Continued hatzlacha.