1daat, your candid and open post is a pleasure to read. you are walking the walk, not just talking the talk. i really respect you for your honesty, searching, and progress. you inspire me.

about 'real life', if you were referring to what i wrote, all i meant was real insofar as on GYE we hide behind screen names and you only know what we choose to report in our own hand by posting. no body language, outside observation, facial expression and external verification. for all you know my name is John McKain and i live in New Delhi. the words and feelings conveyed here can sometimes be more true and more pronounced than when they are conveyed in the 'real world', because of the complexity of 'real life' relationships, which inhibits the raw emotions manifesting. but that itself is the crux of it. opening up and being honest in 'real life' can be harder that here on GYE. it can be a beginning, though, for a path of honesty in 'real life'.
does that make sense? if not just ignore it, only trying to help.

zemmy, ceo of the clown thread

1daat wrote on 12 Nov 2010 03:33:


1daat, i am happy for you! thanks for sharing such great 'good stuff'!

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 12 Nov 2010 05:33:


Totally.  Thanks.  Have a beautiful Shabbos. Whew, what a week, ShabbosShabbosShabbos

Note to Self: Chizuk email 890 by Guard

We need to learn how:

    * To speak with Hashem as if he was a friend right here with us in the room...
    * To realize Hashem loves us even when we make bad mistakes.
    * To internalize that He only has our very best interest in mind at all times, no matter how bad things seem to be.
    * To live with constant gratitude, even for the little things...
    * To internalize how much Hashem values a real relationship with us... (so much so, that when we are distant, He sometimes causes us suffering and pain just to get our attention... It therefore follows, that if we live with constant gratitude and awareness of Hashem's closeness and love, we will save ourselves much pain down the line, because He won't need to get us to come "running to Him" just when things are bad...)

These things are the FOUNDATION of recovery.

I think they are also the FOUNDATION for living. But I guess that's what recovery is all about: living.

UAJ.  Great point! 

8) tov

hello daat missed you

This is HARD!  I started dealing with food as just another yh issue.  And then I start seeing yh all over the place.  I see images, one after another from my past.  After coming home from shul, and a long beautiful machloikas, I see how my ego was just bouncing off the walls.  Now I don't want to open my mouth.

Shmiras eynayim/bris are ok.  it's day by day.  But I think I may be getting into some other kind of trouble, so I want to put this out here and maybe you guys can pull my beard.

I'm getting depressed, and I know that could well be my getting into another drama-dance with the yh,  But seeing a lifetime past, and seeing myself today still lost in being a somebody has really stunned me.  I've kind of shut down.

Now I gotta add something to this.  I'm bipolar, and when the days get shorter I tend to depression.  Maybe these things are working together, but I've heard and experienced so many times the yetzer using shame to bring us down the slippery slope to the toilet.

When I daven alone, I've been breaking down crying at seeing myself.  I davened Birchas Hashachar at home this morning and just broke down.  I begged Hashem that I just can't take any more.  It's not really shame I feel, it's sorrow and regret and the pain of what I've done to other people, and the life I've wasted. 

I felt similar feelings when I first started posting on GYE.  But this is way bigger, It's like Hashem is pouring it on. 

It just hurts really bad.  I can't really explain it I guess.

I definitely didn't sign up for this.  It's hard being shown a wasted life, and then noticing I'm still acting like the same shtarker that kept me so far from Hashem.

The paradox in all this is that Hashem is right here.  Silent on the matter, but here.  I read Tehillim, and cry and tell him I can't take any more, and then He quiets me, and it's all ok again, and I remember that T'shuvah is something that happens moment to moment, and that for that moment He saved me. 

So there's good news and painful news.  but taken as a whole, I'm kind of stunned, kind of withdrawn but not like avoiding, it's more like needing to be quiet. 

I guess now that I've blurted this out, I realize that this probably isn't really depression.  it's more like a deep sadness, an aching.  Hashem I just need Moshiach.  this being human seems way over my head. 

1daat,
i feel your pain. while no two situations and circumstances are alike entirely, i think just about everyone on this site would like to re-write part of their past. to think about what we should could or would is usually intensely painful. but the past is locked. the challenge is to do the best we can now.
i just read Rabbi Twerski's new book called 'Gevurah', which BTW is excellent, and he speaks about one question that he never got a good answer for. that is why there is so much suffering in the world. of course, Chazal and many others speak about it but the bottom line is that in our current human state we will not understand it. the only way to deal with it, he says, is with faith.
you have that most precious thing called faith, it shows in your posts. keep using it.
wishing you all the best
zs

Zemmy, thanks.  Yep.  end of the day, emunah's all we got.  But while the "past is locked", it doesn't hurt to take a good long look.

thanks again for being there.

Just keep inspiring us !

1daat wrote on 21 Nov 2010 06:06:

Look, I've got the same emotional challenges. And there is "sorrow and regret and pain." But there's also hope and re-invention and growth and a fresh start every day. I hate giving personal advice to a virtual colleague, but perhaps I'm permitted to suggest... Grab yourself a "light box" and focus on how much MORE mountain you can climb every day compared to those already a little closer to fine (Indigo Girls), and how much HKBH loves your efforts and unconditionally love YOU.
ZemirosShabbos wrote on 21 Nov 2010 06:18:
ZS, I couldn't'a said it better. Except maybe to offer chizuk that we each CAN put our emunah into action (tachlis), and the combination is very powerful.1daat wrote on 21 Nov 2010 08:24:
Well, actually, sometimes it CAN hurt. A LOT!! And I don't think He made ANYone michuyev to look any longer than we can. Masochists are not appreciated Upstairs. I think we can only do what we can do, lovingly, and with pain we can handle lovingly. And if that takes a little longer than facing the blinding neon lights, well maybe that's our lesson to learn, also.Frumfiend The star wrote on 21 Nov 2010 13:04:

Or, perhaps, the heck with US and keep inspiring yoursSELF! If that HAPPENS to involve working to inspire others (like us), that's great -- GIVING is probably the BEST route out of sadness for most of us here. But if you have to fill yourself up first, well then just put on your own oxygen mask first and reach out once you're breathing again.

Stick with this. There is beauty beyond description on the other side of this resolution. And you're on your way.

Briut, this is an inspired post.  You gave me a kick in the pants when I needed it, spot on chizuk, and love, love, love [this is NOT the indigent goys*[size=8pt]see below[/size].  Isn't it some  R&B group?  Moishe and the Vandals, I think]

There is no adequate thanking you.  I'd been muddling around in "I've wasted my life", and completely forgot about TODAY.  Just for today.  You know, "1daat".  Number one daat.  And I plumb faggadaboudit.  Once again you caught me.  Thanks bro.

Briut wrote on 21 Nov 2010 14:11:

I keep forgetting this one day at a time stuff.


Briut wrote on 21 Nov 2010 14:11:

Who better

Briut wrote on 21 Nov 2010 14:11:

Ordered it about an hour ago.

Briut wrote on 21 Nov 2010 14:11:

There's that one day at a time stuff again.

Briut wrote on 21 Nov 2010 14:11:

To paraphrase somebody else, "Uh, what's a ben Torah doing with the Indigo Girls?"  Who are the Indigo girls? Is this somebody I should know about?  Descendants of Beruria maybe?

1daat wrote on 21 Nov 2010 08:24:

How 'bout "any longer than is useful"?...maybe to look long enough to learn something, to grow a little, and not to wallow around in it.

Briut wrote on 21 Nov 2010 14:11:

Nope.  I disagree.  I can tell you first hand, Hashem loves masochists too.

Briut wrote on 21 Nov 2010 14:11:


NTS:  Briut suggests a little chesed could help with the sadness
www.actt613.org/Modules/ACTT_Kavanah_During_Davening_Module_Packet_2.pdf
IDEAS FOR ACTS OF CHESED
Offer to run an errand for a friend
Cheerfully greet someone
Bake an unexpected treat for a friend
Remember someone's birthday
Call someone going thru a difficult time
Leave a friendly note for a family member
Listen patiently to others
Clean up after dinner without being asked
Call someone who lives alone
Greet everyone you see with a smile
Introduce yourself to someone
Apologize for something you've done
Take out the garbage without being asked
Give someone an unexpected compliment
Spend time with a child with a disability
Help strangers in shul feel welcome
Take an elderly person shopping
Pay attention to what people are saying
Spend quality time with family & friends
Call or visit someone who is sick
Cook a meal for a person in need
Visit someone who may be lonely
Call someone you haven't spoken to in a while
Say thanks - no matter how small the deed
Help a child with his / her homework
Compliment someone who helps you
Give someone an encouraging note
When asked to do something, respond right away
in a cheerful and willing manner
Drive someone to the doctor
Help out family members even if you're busy
Help someone find a job
Buy a gift for a loved one for no reason
Greet everyone with a pleasant "good morning"
Write a letter to an elderly person
Take a neighbor's garbage cans in from the curb
Call someone who recently lost a loved one
Congratulate siblings on recent accomplishments

Briut wrote on 21 Nov 2010 14:11:
I love you too.  I'm moved and humbled by your caring.  Thanks again.  Alle brochos.  Parnasoh, shalom bayis, d'vekus Hashem, simchasimchasimcha, and lechaims to 120. You still d'man Doc 8)

1daat wrote on 22 Nov 2010 03:51:


1daat thanks for this amazing list.  I am printing it out and keeping it by my desk.

Hey UAJ.  Excellente idea.  ditto.  How ya doin?