Dear philpher - when my house is on fire with lust, and my body is telling me "I need it, I need it," and it feels clear that it is in my absolute best interest to do this crazy thing, I need to remind myself that it is a 100%, total, lie. But that is not enough. I must have a truth to replace it with! (Hashem loves me, has no better for me than what He is giving me right now, this moment is precious, etc...) B"H, hearing and seeing other guys in person, sharing their experiences doing this very thing was, and is, very important to me. Hatzlocha Raba! dov

Thanks to everyone who has replied to my last concerns. BH today has so far been safely guarded from slips (and more).
Generally, I am appreciating to a greater and greater degree how much it helps to be aware that there are so many people genuinely concerned in one's progress, and even more concerned with the lack of it! The immensity of this difference - meaning that before being aware of this forum and it's inhabitants, and being totally and utterly bereft of support, advice, shoulders to cry on etc, and after is stark and deeply moving.

Good Shabbos.

My dearest sweetest Phil,
The pain of your words are excruciating to even hear
sometimes I think that what we are dealing with here on the site, to a certain degree, is not a disease of lust, rather a disease of isolation and loneliness!! with the lust merely an outgrowth of such an emotional climate! All kinds of bacteria grow in dark spaces where the sunlight doesent shine in.
Either way until Moshiach is coming no more of that aloneness! Promise? Promise?

Dear Phil,

For today's Chizuk e-mail (#520), I gathered together many of the beautiful replies that Rabbeinu Dov has been posting on your thread. So much wisdom!!. And it's all thanks to you and your struggle. Through the darkness comes the light!

Good Shabbos.

BH a difficult but ultimately successful shabbos. Trying to put some of the things i'm hearing on the telephone conference into action. Proving to be even harder than it sounds.....    but worthwhile.  :D

I fell.
Serious RID. At least I can see the connection with greater clarity.  (focus on the ID of RID)
Some of the tips from the conversations have been helpful - in identifying the problem more directly, and dealing with it - somewhat.

So essentially, I suppose I was tested with a huge amount of irritation, which I felt that I aught to be able to control. Obviously, it was impossible, although some headway was made in realizing that I couldn't - and needn't control it. But that nonetheless left a pretty stinky (and uncontrolled) situation.

May Hashem grant me the strength to determine what I can do to alter the situation, and not to be bothered or depressed by that which I can't. Easy to say, even easier to write. Let's see how we manage on the action front.....


stay tuned for updates.

And now just two seconds later (than my previous post) I wanted to relay a story that was recounted to me over shabbos - which actually did make a difference, at least initially. But it's late so I'll transcribe it tomorrow.

Only time for the barebones of the story - just the gory bits.

I was speaking to an 87 year old Warsaw ghetto and Auschwitz survivor before Mincha on Shabbos. He mentioned that seeing his entire family wiped out only strengthened him to keep up the energy to remain alive till the war finished - and then to rebuild his family contrary to Hitler's wish to destroy it. He know is a proud great grandfather. And I thought my battles were difficult.

Just to pound the point home, he mentioned that after the war he found a former ghetto member learning in yeshiva - he was previously irreligious. According to this ba'al teshuva he owed his change in direction to an SS commandant: When being taken on a forced march as the war was finishing, he was being marched in the freezing cold with no food for days - and anyone who fell was shot. Eventually, he did fall, and whilst waiting for the relief of a bullet, the commandant who was about to finish him off, instead bent down and told him to get up. He refused - he had no strength left. To which the commandant replied - there is no such thing as I can't - only I don't want.

A strange way to learn this lesson, but worth taking to heart. It pulled me up this morning after last night's descent.

Wow, if that's not powerful, what is?

A thought I had, after receiving a pm from a friendly haunter of this forum.
Apparently it was fantastic that I managed to (I almost typed come clean - what an awesome Freudian) admit having fallen last night. On reflection, falling or not, it was probably the most difficult thing that I have achieved so far. It has always been true that the yetzer likes to make me think that I am doing well by ignoring the slips and falls - and therefore stringing a long clean streak together. Basing this on sheker though is hardly a recipe for success - but try telling the YH that!

So out of the darkness there is a patch of light. And thank you for the person who caught hold of it and kindly pointed it out.

heiliger phil



This is a famous chassidc Yesod

about falling

when you fall it is like you fell onto a mouse trap yes tha is scary
but... but.... you do not have to eat the bait and get caught

bardichev

philpher wrote on 22 Jun 2009 19:06:


If you have other interesting things to do, or what to you are very interesting things, does not that help?

Yes - I have innumerable things in which I'm interested, but there is only one thing in which the Y"H is interested. Well quite a few actually, but one specifically.

BH another clean day.

A short sentence that says so much! OYYY! If we would only appreciate how valuable "another clean day" is, the y"h would be out of business!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you read "The Torah Approach"? It's over here:  rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=602.0