Taking a leap into the unknown - my own thread to air my ups and downs. Anything helpful posted will be cynically ignored, thoughtfully reconsidered, and then taken to heart. Currently on 6 clean days - not a record but slightly better than average. Wondering how to combat constant urges to slip and look at unsuitable things, and how to counter the looming gloom of despondency that always kicks in after a week of cleanliness. Help!

phil heiliger PHIL

six days of milchemes hayetzer

six days of tahara

six days beating back at the greatest force in the world

yes you will feel depondant and empty it is normal

but but there is always a but IT WORKS

ther is no MAGIC but your work will pay off

post away post away

keep in touch

a lebin PHIL mit simcha!!!

bardichev

Phil,

May I perhaps suggest that you try out one of our new anonymous 12-Step phone groups starting hopefully next week. (See this page).

By being in "active recovery", joining these meetings, getting a sponsor and helping others, and by learning the secrets of the 12-Steps - which teach us how to "think right and live right", you will learn how to feel comfortable enough in your life to not have to reach for your "drug" when feeling bored, stressed, anxious or despondent, as you did in the past.

Guard and Bardichev - Thank you for your replies.

I have contacted the 12step programme - I'm awaiting info as we speak. Looking forward to being in "active recovery"

On the other hand -


I'm looking forward to the pay off (on this world). I am worried because I have fallen at this stage numerous times before. Getting past 10 days seems particularly difficult. The inertia of starting well wears off, the depression of kicking an addiction sets in and the combination is deadly. Any suggestions anyone?

I have a partner that I discuss these things with who provides reliable and frequent support.

Currently I have 7 full days of cleanliness - my last attempt was almost 9.

By contacting the 12-Step program, you've just done the best suggestion anyone could possibly suggest! (Which group did you contact?)

As far as suggestions for now, as I tell everyone: "READ THE HANDBOOKS!" :D

The first group seemed more suitable.

Making my way through the attitude handbook with a fine tooth comb.

Actually, I am following the (blindingly obvious) advice from one of the chizzuk emails - to browse the handbook in free moments rather than other sites of special interest.....

I think this is Duvid Chaim's group

You're taking all the right steps and doing the actions, now leave the RESULTS to Hashem!

Thought airing time is crucial. I wish the thoughts that came out would make sense. Working this thread is weird - it feels like I'm talking to thin air - even with responses from dedicated moderators. It's rather refreshing actually.

So for the moment, I'm going to write a letter to myself. Anyone who reads it though should feel free to comment/disagree/ignore/

Dear Philpher, (amoosh)

My mind at the moment is torn between two concerns. My primary battle is not my addiction. (Am I the first person to have said this on the forum?) It is true, that removing the addiction is crucial. It is more true, that the new methods I have been using to combat the addiction have been far more successful than I dared imagine. It is even better that the results are more worthwhile than I could believe, in avodas Hashem, in learning, in tefilla.. the list is too long. But the difficulty that faces me most is from a different source.

B"h I am married with some kids. But although the sholom bayis is reasonably stable, the difficulties that my bayis has to struggle with are overwhelming. Both for her, and obviously for me. My emotional energy is finite (although I know Hashem can alter these things - v'Kovei hashem yachalifu koach) - or at least when it seems to be finite, is the time when my urge to indulge my addiction returns.

It seems that clearing up the addiction is so obviously connected to the other issues, which are primarily beyond my control (health/relatives/finances.....(add your own) that I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Clearing the addiction certainly helps simplify everything. But it seems to be constantly superseded by all the other concerns.

Yours,

Philpher.

phil heilger tzaddik

koidim kol you are not talking into thin air this sie is testimony to KOL YISROEL AREVIM

second of all here is a itsy bitsy secret (keep it secret) bardichev (thats me) is a very humble SB(shalom bayis) expert

feel free to pm me i will bli neder get back to you

For myself while I was in the heat of  my addiction I THOUGHT my SB was perfect

only when I started to work the way out of my addiction ( I stopped cold turkey pun intended) did I realize how I was TOTALLY self centered

I have some EITZOS but NO magic wand

hatzlacha

bardichev

I suggest you read R' Sholom Arush's book "b'gan ha'emunah" available also in English. I haven't really read it yet myself, but I keep hearing how it changes people's lives majorly.

CHAZAK VE'EMATZ!!!

Pilpher dear Tzadik, if you join Duvid Chaim's group like you wanted to, you will learn how to work the 12-Steps and you will see how you're entire life changes for the better. It doesn't focus on the addiction only, but it teaches us how to live and think right, and you will see Nachas Ruach in all your affairs, G-d willing!

I have tried to contact Duvid Chaim. Awaiting a response.

Meanwhile,

An update.  Or perhaps a downdate 

Yesterday (was day 9 for me) I fell.
Not too badly, but I have worked up the courage (eventually) to admit that I should announce it.
Apologies, again, for letting the group down.

On the positive side I can see 3 things.
1)the intermediate days were very clean - practically no slips. And the generally stress of life etc was easier to handle.
2)The fall was brief, and easier to recover from, in terms of attitude and general demeanor. The rest of the day was productive BH.
3)Finally, actually forcing an admission from myself has been slightly easier than previously. It took about 12 hours to wring some honesty from myself.

I am focusing on the achievements.

Philiper Hatzadik, this is major progress in the right direction. If you continue like this, you'll get really really far!!!

Somebody kind enough to read through my thread has sent me a personal message to which I replied. I think that the details of the message may be worthwhile to post - so here we go (I had asked the relevant person for comments on that which had already been posted):

Yes I've read that but it only tells me how you're doing now.  What's your background (Chassidish, Yeshivish, Modern...), did you have a difficult childhood, what other problems are you dealing with?  You say that lust seems to be a secondary issue although it's clearly important to address.  What are the primary issues?  What kind of support system do you have?  A Rov/Rebbi?  Therapist?  How long have you had a problem with lust?  What have you tried?  What has worked or not worked for you?  Has lust made your life unmanageable?

Thanks for the response, here is a list of answers:

1)Background, originally modern, now in yeshiva/kollel for 8 years (although actually chassidish in further background)
2)Childhood, relatively easy, mother a bit Victorian and had too much pride in the wrong things
3)Primary issues - wife with innumerable concerns, dating from an impossible childhood, horrendous schooling, financial threats, poor health
4)Support system: very close to Rosh Yeshiva (world renowned blah blah blah... but he knows what he is doing), also some friends, but difficult to speak to them(the friends) about things that they can't appreciate (see the above primary concerns) and impossible for me to relate the secondary concerns.
5)Problem with lust for almost 10 years. Reaching the 10th anniversary soon actually. 
6/7)So far activity within the context of the forum has been the only successful antidote. Everything else has been general defiance/suppression/ignoring-the-problem  methods with zero long term effect.
8)Unmanageability of my life is from other things - however having a handle on the lusting is proving to release enough energy which ca be more profitably used elsewhere.

Thanks once again for your questions - just putting down the answers into written form is a tremendous form of clarification.
I am going to post this email on my thread I think. A problem shared is a problem halved, (imagine if it were shared with hundreds of sympathetic friends....)

Philpher