I FELL
After a long time I fell. Please forgive me for telling the whole story.
It has been many days now that I felt depressed and anxious, also this feeling of not being able to cope with problems came back and back again. I slipped many times (went online typed some dirt and then quickly turned it off - who am I fooling, but I just couldn't resist).
On this FALL I didn't m* and I didn't view any p*, I had a dream. I will tell you about it - there is no explicit thing in the dream, but if you feel like falling, please don't read on.
This is the dream: I was on my way to my wife, because I was bringing something. It was dark, I had my coat on and I crossed some street and went up some stairs. On my way to the top of the stairs (just before i got to the door) I looked in the corner and there was a woman there. She scared me, because i didn't expect anyone.
She just smiled and I apologized. Then she asked me if I have something for her mouth ulcer!? WTF*? Sure I said, I have some after shave, that has alchohol in and it will disinfect. She had strangley big hands and she was dressed casual in a black coat, her hair was black and she seemed tiny, but her hands were quite big. I didn't think about that too much.
[details removed] .... and suddenly I had an ejaculation.
I don't know if others will agree. But I saw this woman as clearly as if I were awake. She was no ordinary person, her hands gave her away, her ulcer, she tricked me, and I tricked myself. I believe I saw a demon. Baruch Hashem, I didn't sleep with her. And Baruch Hashem, unlike before, after I woke up, I didn't m*. I was sorry, I regret it very much.
I woke up immidiately (around 5 am), started to pray and asking for forgivness, calling on saints and ancient masters to aid me in my struggle.
Then it dawned on me (after I somehow stopped crying and pleading).
I cheated on my wife. I am depressed, I am afraid, I am helpless. I haven't changed one tiny little bit, I haven't moved one jota forward since the time that I first fell into this cycle of pain. Will I die not moving one little bit!?
As Eye asked: Is this working?
To be honest, I am much stronger than before. And yet, I shudder to think, this was a dream, but I was totaly aware of everything, just like when I am awake and with that in mind, I would have probably acted the same, if I were awake.
To answer Eye: No, this is not working.
It has been 133 days clean and then I fell. But hey, as all know, a fall doesn't just happen, it builds up. And when it was building I didn't start crying GEWALT.
I shudder to take the next step: What now?
I feel strong enough to think about this. That is good.
I don't want to tell my wife. Because it's not her fault. I don't want to hurt her in any way, even though I did through my action.
I must admit that I often run to the the toillet, hit myself on the head until i feel dizzy, cos I can't live up to the ideal that I set for myself and give true joy to others - I just want to run away, but then I try to swallow my ego and do something good - oh dear.
What now? I feel like I want to start smoking again.
Again, what now...
Should I join a group, not telling my wife anything, hiding. Should I ask for sponsorship, start posting more? Reading more?
I can't tell her, she married a man, I married a woman. I don't want to become her patient. So the only thing is to try one more time.
How can I do it differently this time, so that after I hit 90, I will come here and will be humble in saying, Baruch Hashem, I am Your servant, I and my wife are a Human Being in your service!?
When I find a way, I will come back to tell you about it.
