"Did it on their own"? Sure, there are people who did on their own. Ultimately, we all do it on our own. Even the alcoholics in AA's member stories each describe, as Bill put it in "There is a Solution" (ch 2 of AA, page 27): "Each individual, in the personal stories, describes in his own language and from his own point of view
the way he established his relationship with God." He does not write, "describes the way he got sober." That is what happens in recovery - in the end, you end up doing "it" - the real solution -
alone. No one does it for you and being part of a group is no substitute for "it". You and your G-d are alone - always were and will always be alone. That is what we call 'conscience' - what 'integrity'
means, from a religious perspective. Once we have that, life is very different - as long as we keep it. As kids, we all start out as self-absorbed creatures and develop other-awareness as we grow. In Yiddishkeit, that other-awareness is the stepping stone to G-d-awareness. Eventually, awareness that we
are alone with G-d. And the minyan/group can only
help us gain the relationship, but the minyan/group is not the relationship, itself.
Some people get stuck as some step in life. And the program is no exception. Those who get stuck before step 11, may seem to remain dependent on the group for sobriety. They usually do not last very long, for that is antithetical to the goal of AA/SA recovery (as I will try to explain below). AA/SA can't be blamed for their choice of stunted growth any more than
Torah/Yiddishkeit can be blamed for the many, many yidden who turn out basically self-centered about their mitzvah observance till they die. Nu. Perfection is a childish expectation (not that this has ever stopped us before!
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/whistling.png)
). It's about trying till we die, trusting that G-d will eventually make it all good somehow if we do try hard, even though we will certainly not make it on our own. Even the greatest tzaddkim usually did not make it to anything like 'perfection'. And that is obviously OK.
As far as
needing a group to 'get there', for some people, groups seem to be indispensable tools, for some not. But in the end, the goal - the real Connection itself is
only personal: G-d and you, period. And in reality there is no escape from that. This is what Sh'ma means when it says Hashem Echod - there ain't anything else than He. The first sefer of the set "Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh" is entirely on this very subject, and so is step 11 (in a Derech Eretz way). Being alone with G-d.
The question for you is this: How is your personal track record for getting and remaining honest with yourself when all you have is a mirror? Have you tried opening up to real people just to get a clearer view of yourself and how did that work? For many people, it works. It's never the
goal - just a tool. Kind of like a car. It may not be necessary and you certainly have not reached your destination when you sit in it in the morning...but if you tend to get lost on 10 mile walks to the supermarket, you may 'need' a car to get where you really want to go. Nu. Some insist on going by foot in life. Maybe it's gayvoh, maybe it's shame, maybe it's shame masquerading as gayvoh...and just maybe it's the absolutely
right thing for them and neither shame nor gayvoh, at all! Who knows? Not I. But perhaps if when you really look at it you see that you prefer to go it alone primarily because of convenience (shame/fear/whatever), then I suggest using whatever tools you have or can get, to overcome that.
What's right for you? Have you evidence for either? Have you experience in each derech? As far as doing it on your own is concerned, I assume you have some time with that one...how old are you? That's usually ohow long we have tried that one - talk about banging your head on a familiar wall! How has it gone so far? (Advil is good for that!
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/pinch.png)
)And as far as opening up to others is concerned, this forum is certainly not really 'opening up'...do people even use their real
names here? Most do not. So it's nice but just not really real, Mike.
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
Just ask Captain Kirk and he'll tell you all about that (search GYE for my post about his double, if you wish).
And if either 'not acting out' or 'just being happy' are your overriding goals in life and the only things you are really reaching for, then I believe that neither Torah nor lehavdil the 12 steps will fit well. For, the last time I checked, happiness is only a
byproduct of both. Neither
sanity and awareness of G-d (what the 12 steps sell) nor
Being truly good (which is what Torah is about in directing us to accept and do
G-d's Will by doing His mitzvos and knowing Him) are not bought by focusing on me
feeling good at all costs). L'fum
tza'arah agra - growing up
has to hurt. Staying in the comfort zone is not a recipe for real growth - just for more comfort...maybe.
So do it however it works for you. But get off the fence and go for it, chaver! Life is moving on without our permission and as much as i may wish it, there really is no hold button.
Hey - Good Shabbos chaver!
- Dov