Hi Yehoshua,

Hey, this is the only thread that even if I don't keep up posting, I keep getting quoted!

Sounds like you're going through some rough times. I wish you lots of luck in staying sober through them.

I need this reminder for myself, as I'm also going through some difficult times: Sobriety isn't that's there's no storm; it's staying calm despite the storm.

Good luck,

Elyah

Heck, I just erased a lovely post. Here I go again... Feels like I can't do anything, and so I want to act out.

First of all. Elyah. I am deeply grateful for that day, that you gave me your phone number. I called you when I was on the edge. It was a weight lifted from my heart. To hear a frum yid say the word masturbation, moved me and it still does. I'm not frum, but didn't dare say it on the phone, but you did.
Yes, the phone calls work.

I felt there is someone out there, who is struggeling, who is real and alive and struggeling.
Fancy armor does not help. The size of the yarmulka doesn't do it. But to hear a humble voice struggeling, even with a giant fancy yarmulka (I presume), was very dear to me.

MBJ you are right. But I still haven't seen Vertigos end.

They called me from the national film archive, they want me to help write the opening speech for the yearly film gathering. They will be honoring three great directors of photography.

On the 19th my lines could be read infront of the cream of our cinema masters.

There is not much time. But as said, I haven't seen Vertigo and I haven't seen all the works of these directors of photography. And I don't know much about photography or our national cinematic history.
Why me then?
Well my mother wrote for them every year. So they think I can do it.

Just last week I wanted to be a critic. Now here is my chance.

But even though I should act like I am a critic, like I have a backbone. If I understand Nederman. But I said to them, sure anything you want, but I suggested another guy. They will not take the other guy, even though he is older, a dpi himself and wrote on our greatest (one of the three, that will be honoured this year) dpi already.

Anyway they will not take him, since it might complicate things. They have sort of a plan, and what they need is someone who will fit in.

They said they need someone who can capture the essence in a few short words.

Ok, they want a master writer, who knows the whole history and saw all the films, knows the work done on them, so that he could write a few words capturing the essence of their life's work.

Hm, a chance. And I am shaking all over. I really want to act out.

I will try it out Nederman. And I think I have already with the "states" by Pliskin. If I understand you correctly. Even if I don't feel happy, I should act as if, and it will come to me.

So perhaps I should act like a critic.

Go to our library and start working, reading, watching movies...

Yes, but you see. I have a job, I have a wife and a child.

So I can only work at night. And then I am tired and I don't have the energy. Then I watch 'A Bronx Tale', I am so sorry about my pathetic existence.

And I am sorry I said that.

But no free rides. I can be honest here, but there in front of the audience people want something, that will honour them, something real, something in depth...

No, I meant act happy after you watch A Bronx Tale.

A new day and a new chance for sobreity.

Yesterday I won. At half past midnight I finished watching VERTIGO. I must say, I love it. And yes, in my intimate opinion it is better than A Bronx Tale, even though Hitch made his film way back.

yehoshua wrote on 05 Dec 2012 11:04:

Good on you.
As for the speech I have one word - Wikipedia!
ROFL.
I am sorry that would probably get you fired.

Hm, Wikipedia, sure. Funny how even here people laugh at you. That is funny. ROFL.

yehoshua wrote on 06 Dec 2012 10:48:

I am not laughing at you, I am laughing with you.

Now whenever my older brothers said that to me, my reply was, well I'm not laughing.

So I am starting a new deal. I will be taking leave from work to care for my baby girl, while my wife will return to work. An opportunity arose, so we decided, that it is best for her to return to work and that I take off until sommer to stay home.

Will I survive this, will I cope?

Anyway I think I need to rethink my entire healing process and start making some radical change. There is something that I must do with this sobriety, there is someone I must be. Me myself.

I mean doesn't being sober mean also living a full life?

By full life I mean: being good at what I do, reading, doing sports, building what was broken....

Hi Yehoshua,

Yes, living sober means you have an opportunity to embrace a whole new type of life experience you weren't able to experience before, because you were drowning and your eyes were half shut, even if you were successful professionally, financially, socially, etc.

So keep your eyes open! Stay awake! And Enjoy life! And love hashem as he loves you:)
You know what drowning through your day-to-day experience feels like?! nu now you have found something so much more precious than that and you have the opportunity to get to know it, live with it, embrace it, and feel its ultimate joy!

Hatzlacha!

I know a few stay at home dads - it is a challenge for growth just as everything is a challenge, really. And you will survive this change intact with Hashem's help one day at a time if you stay sane and honest. Those things let us accept His help.

It will become much easier to do those things (sanity and honesty) if you use the tools of honesty and openess about exactly what's going on with you and in you, through the time you are home. Open up to the wife more - and stay that way one day at a time. Open up to friends more - and stay that way one day at a time.

There is no need to carry the weight of the world - even of your own world - on your shoulders, alone. We have all done that long enough...

Hatzlocha b'Simcha!

Hi yehoshua, i just had a thought.

Remember: every challenge brings opportunity. It's true that you face a serious challenge, but it is also your chance to prove your ability to ride the biggest waves! Fear and anxiety of falling is asking for a fall. If you see yourself as constantly being on the brink of falling, will make it much harder for you to keep your cool - never look down when your walking the tight rope. Instead be super aware and allert to the pit falls and challenges that may present themselves, and believe in yourself when they do. You never know just how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

All the best,I hope that is applicable to your dilemma.

WSMNB

Tnx WSMNB.

Challenge is really important for me right now, tight ropes as many as possible.

I am reading a book on alcoholism, where the psychiater suggests a radical therapy. This involves running, reading, education, writting a diary and meetings.

I hope that I will not need meetings. I hope that coming out here is enough for me and that the GYE guys are enough for me and that I will not need to go to a live session. But you never know, so I will leave this one open.

But I would like to address the other things.

Sports.
The guy suggests that lazyness is one of the great problems of alcoholics. For me it is true, that when I am very busy and creative, especially when I am in a new town, meeting new people or when I am in good company doing sports (also visiting museums, cultural events...), that I don't even think about acting out.
Also I do have an issue with procrastination as I wrote so many times and I have the problem with anxiety as soon as I see something similar to a work problem.

So I think I have all the problems that an alcoholic has in this aspect. I am also a bit overweight and I have so little fitness right now...

Anyway. In his program people excercise every moning and train running to eventually do the marathon. And then one marathon after the other. Also in his program one has to start hiking (a lot)

So I will try and do that. Excercise every morning and start running. Hiking is a bit of problem since we have a small baby. But ones she grows a bit, we can start.

Reading
He has this big list of books that one has to read: on alcoholism, sports, philosophy, world litrature... One has to read two books a month (in the group one also has to write reports on those books and present them to the group).

I will try and read them. I really need to read books on p* and m* addiction.

Education
I need to start on my phD. It is almost impossible to do it, but I have to start watching films and reading about film history.


All this I want to do for only one reason, to stay sober. To build myself, to become strong enough to really start doing something with this new attained sobreity. Else I will go loco.



Where there any such attempts made here on the GYE, I mean to start working out, reading more (reading is not really a Jewish problem, but still we are human, right? Some don't read that much, like me - I really feel like I belong to he nation of the book, but in reality I don't read that much - this guys in AA rehab read much more), ....?

All those things sound like fun to me!

Interesting - my SA mentors said that laziness is usually just avoidance. It's now my knee-jerk response to my own laziness...then I go from that context. As long as I viewed my laziness as just 'laziness', I found I was really just condoning it and did not see past it or get anywhere else. It was just a fight.

As I read through your list of varied and new possibilities, something occurred to me. You wrote that you find being in new surroundings is a safe place for you, at least as far as keeping out of lust trouble is concerned. Do you see a pattern, here?

Being in new surroundings is engaging, even invigorating. I wonder if the safety you find in being in a new neighborhood and with a new set of people to get to know is simply a distraction. Maybe getting involved in ever changing nuance is also just a distraction for you. I don't know - I am just asking you what you think of that.

If that is what's working for you about it, then it might explain why it stops working when it is no longer new any more. We all have character defects that make relationships and life itself problematic...we sometimes percieve that as being tired of it all, or being bored. But in reality, it may be that we are just uncomfortable with it! And perhaps for valid reasons. But rather than confront that, we may just look for something new. They say they are bored or unmotivated, and end up always moving on, taking on new projects rather than living the life that Hashem is 'trying' to build for them. He offers life and says to choose it - v'heim bikshu cheshbonos rabim...

Just consider that, and please realize that I am not assuming. I am reflecting and asking if you feel this applies to you. If you do, then I would wager that the lust-safety you find in nuance, is just by virtue of being distracted with the freshness of the milieu. And if that's it, then you are living an unexamined life. Elephants are in the room, but ignored. We all do that in some way. I know I do. But as long as I stop running and live, the elephants get revealed one by one.

Time to stop - and live?

Thank you.

I do miss a people, yes a group, to discuss my struggle. And your post gave me a group feeling, a mentor feeling, it really gives me some standing ground and a feeling of acceptance. Thanks Dov.

And of course you are right, but so what!? Sorry to say it like this. Indeed this thing I am taking on, all the "interesting" things, is really just something "new". And I love that feeling, but perhaps it is only a high that precedes a big low. Maybe I am escaping living.
But why do I write: so what!?

What is the taphsic method, what are the 12 steps, what is mentorship and sa groups? Are they what is called living?

I don't think so. I think they are just tools, that help us be, just simply be. And that is the question, as Hamlet puts it.

And that was my intention. To try and try until I can be. This might seem like an escape, and in someway it is, but hopefully an escape that will bring me home.

The therapist in the book calls his method a new addiction - not in so many words. But that is what he suggests, an addiction to books, sports, education... Yes and its aim is to build ego - thus the question: Is there an addict that exercises every morning, does long hikes, runs the marathon, reads books, gets a higher education degree... and still acts out?
His opinion is, no, there really isn't any addicts like that.

Hm, maybe they just don't have the time.

But ego and new addictions might be also a real danger, but I don't think that this new addiction will cause me to lose my own self, that I will now stop being Michael. And ego is what I tackle with every time I get up in the morning - then I really need the 12 steps and my prayers, because I feel like going back to bed and quiting...

So it's monday here already, I don't why I wrote "already", but i am counting my days somehow...

I am really trying hard, but guess not hard enough.

I am cooking, cleaning, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, shopping... And as of january I am not working till mid july.
Uf, I shrunk one the favorite wife's t-shirt for running - designer one from Stella McCartney or something... And when I put my baby girl to sleep yesterday, I fell asleep too and forgot to tuck her in and me of course too.
Now I am supposed to go back to sleep (6 am in the morning, we have off today), because my wife doesn't approve me watching films and doing sports, if I then fall asleep like that... She is right, I don't know what I am doing in my sleep, I actually "fall" asleep and that could be dangerous.

And this makes me feel like I am such an idiot. To tell you the truth, I feel like banging my hand against the wall. I do that, I hit myself on the head until I feel dizzy, I usually then fall to the ground and have a headache the next day.
I am so predictable. Like it is so typical for men to do bad stuff, get high (on anything available) and then commit suicide. I keep running away.

I am supposed, supposed. I hate that, cos I don't feel like anything. But if I don't ask Hashem to help me overcome my character faults today, then when????

I want to do my morning training, but I really don't feel like doing it. So here I am. Here I am with my sick character faults and helpless as ever.

To some degree I know I am doing a lot. It is because, I want to give my wife the time to study (she has a university degree, but needs to do a year program like nursery, so that she could then inscribe in one other language....) Hm, my wife has it hard, a baby, a husband like me, teaching in elementary and study...

Man I feel like acting out.

But I can't afford that. I feel really helpless and I don't want to give in into that helplessness. A sick character fault.

But I did something yesterday. I did train in the morning and I finished watching one of our home films from 1960. I feel however that I am not giving enough to my wife...
Oh Hashem, it's never easy is it?

I browsed a bit on gye. If I understand Dov correctly, then it is good that it isn't easy, because easy is way too painful. I can't go back to that pain, that is real living hell.