Heck, I just erased a lovely post. Here I go again... Feels like I can't do anything, and so I want to act out.
First of all. Elyah. I am deeply grateful for that day, that you gave me your phone number. I called you when I was on the edge. It was a weight lifted from my heart. To hear a frum yid say the word masturbation, moved me and it still does. I'm not frum, but didn't dare say it on the phone, but you did.
Yes, the phone calls work.
I felt there is someone out there, who is struggeling, who is real and alive and struggeling.
Fancy armor does not help. The size of the yarmulka doesn't do it. But to hear a humble voice struggeling, even with a giant fancy yarmulka (I presume), was very dear to me.
MBJ you are right. But I still haven't seen Vertigos end.
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They called me from the national film archive, they want me to help write the opening speech for the yearly film gathering. They will be honoring three great directors of photography.
On the 19th my lines could be read infront of the cream of our cinema masters.
There is not much time. But as said, I haven't seen Vertigo and I haven't seen all the works of these directors of photography. And I don't know much about photography or our national cinematic history.
Why me then?
Well my mother wrote for them every year. So they think I can do it.
Just last week I wanted to be a critic. Now here is my chance.
But even though I should act like I am a critic, like I have a backbone. If I understand Nederman. But I said to them, sure anything you want, but I suggested another guy. They will not take the other guy, even though he is older, a dpi himself and wrote on our greatest (one of the three, that will be honoured this year) dpi already.
Anyway they will not take him, since it might complicate things. They have sort of a plan, and what they need is someone who will fit in.
They said they need someone who can capture the essence in a few short words.
Ok, they want a master writer, who knows the whole history and saw all the films, knows the work done on them, so that he could write a few words capturing the essence of their life's work.
Hm, a chance. And I am shaking all over. I really want to act out.
I will try it out Nederman. And I think I have already with the "states" by Pliskin. If I understand you correctly. Even if I don't feel happy, I should act as if, and it will come to me.
So perhaps I should act like a critic.
Go to our library and start working, reading, watching movies...
Yes, but you see. I have a job, I have a wife and a child.
So I can only work at night. And then I am tired and I don't have the energy. Then I watch 'A Bronx Tale', I am so sorry about my pathetic existence.
And I am sorry I said that.
But no free rides. I can be honest here, but there in front of the audience people want something, that will honour them, something real, something in depth...