There is no situation I could ever be in that is so bad that porning-out would not make even worse. That's just a sad reality. It would be great is unzipping my pants and getting to work would actually make my life less complicated, calm my nerves, and improve my success rate...but it does none of those. Instead, whenever I use porn or fantasy, I end up far more unsettled and confused than I was beforehand.

Just saying. If it would work for you, then I'd be the last one to tell you "Oy! Don't be metameh your holy neshomah!" (What useless drivel...) But I bet it does not work for you, Chaver. And that is not just because of guilt about the 'technicality' that it is an aveirah, right?

Hatzlocha!

Oy, you are actually reading my stupid writting. Dov, I am ashamed. And you are right :'(

I have to think about it though, really. Perhaps He can send me an answer, show a direction and then help me take that direction. GYE is a blessing, but is it truly enough for me? Isn't that your question?

Elya was right so many posts ago: Is it working for you?

I think I need to constantly ask myself this question.

If u need more support, than you are getting you know where to get it, right? There are good options open to you.

There is so much to tell and don't know where to start, and I also need to get a lot of work done (since I was on leave the past 3 days) and on top I have this presentation at 10am (now its 7:41) to make infront of the whole generation of our 1st year students. The bad news is, I didn't make any preparations yet, the good news is, it's not the first the time for me to do this presentation.

So this is my mind SLIPPING.

Yesterday it was the same thing as I was preparing for the afternoon german teaching (I give instructions). I sort of wondered on Youtube, since I was looking for teaching material, and clicked then to Yoga!??? There was an add about Yoga. Thank G-d my daughter started crying and I rushed to see what was happening.

She saved me.

And talk about saving. Last friday my daughter gave us a scare. She vomited and stoped breathing for few seconds turning all blue, we ended up in the hospital for 2 nights. I all was fine, still we do have another appointment. But our daughter is fine.

Then we saved her.

That is also why I took 3 days off from work.

Anyway as I was helping my wife and doing all the chores I kept slipping in my mind. Wanting to take a minute, go to the bathroom, take a newspaper with me, perhaps browse a bit.... I kept slipping because there was so much to do and I wasn't very good at doing things with speed and care... So my wife starts yelling, of course she is nervous also and so my mind kept slipping.

And now, already 9:13, started working with my collegue...

Bis später....

Best thing is GOOD WILL ;D

I can't help it, I am happy.

You can't help but be happy - and Hashem can't help but love us 100% no matter what. Sweet!

Nu, we should all have such troubles!

Reb Dov, thank you.

I am sort of near tears. Yesterday I had keri, I am really really sorry about that. But later that day, my daughter again vomited a lot. She is ok, but we were in the hospital just two weeks ago, since she vomited then and also stopped breathing for a moment.

What is a moment?

Well, she looks ok, eats and is developing. What is developing? Well we were also at the doctor for a check up early morning before the afternoon vomiting, apperently she is not gaining weight. So we tryed to add milk yesterday evening and the result was vomiting. So now my family is in the hospital and I am working. They are trying to determine the cause, perhaps it is an alergy to cow milk which is in the artif. milk.

I slept only 4 hours tonight, we took turns watching if she is breathing.

I know, it is ok. Everything was ok tonight. But the last time she turned blue - that was that moment.

So, I hate to be smart in these kind of situations. It really isn't that serious, but my mind just wonders off to "what could have happened" or realisticly "what the hell is happening?".

I wish you all the best guys. Hm, I wish I could be really smart and write something inspiring or how I feel like acting out and how I feel like bursting into tears. But in reality there is really nothing I can do and write and say, there is just that one thing left:

I am truly helpless, please Hashem help us.

yehoshua wrote on 23 Nov 2012 08:55:


That's quite alot! In fact, that's all there is to be said. May you share with us good news - about your daughter and about yourself.

Shabbat Shalom

MT

yehoshua wrote on 23 Nov 2012 08:55:


Finally. Some sanity on this forum. No bargaining, no demanding, no manipulating...just sanity. Refuah Sheleimah to your child, and you and your wife will iy"H enjoy her ad meyah v'esrim!

I am sick to my stomack. I had keri again this morning, as Elya said like a prophet: you have some deeper recovery to do. I really feel this helplessness though, but it brings me to this edge.

I don't want to give my duty over to someone else. I don't want to give that power to someone else. Unless it is to Hashem. Feeling Hashem, give it over to Him seems so hard in face of a challenge. I need help there.

I don't know what to write here. Honestly, I am lusting really bad, but it is normal for a monday. Still, I am lusting really bad. Honestly, I feel that I am not feeling enough about others. Self-pity.

Anyhow.

Thank You, thank You guys for the support. It means a lot.

Baruch Hashem, my daughter is ok.

She went to the hospital on friday for a check up on her alergy. The doctor just said, well then try some other suplement, it will surely work. No tests, nothing. There they waited all morning only to go home without results. During the weekend we decided to give her a special suplement that contains no cow milk and baruch Hashem, she ate it and was ok. So victory :-)
Perhaps we can still go to a private doctor and they will make tests there, so we know how to handle in the future.


Baruch Hashem, life is good. And it really feels better writting these lines. Funny, I feel like celebrating. Even though I am the addict, with all these sick character faults, it feels like celebrating life.

Anyway a thousand times is not enough to admit helplessness, to get up and pray and ask Hashem for help. That is sad in one way, and good in another.

Best to all

I know you guys are against that, but yesterday was full moon and I was really struggeling.

I am coming to work really late. It means that I have to stay longer than, and that is not so good if you have a little girl at home. I think I am not coping.

I must share this story. The day before yesterday I did all my chores, the laundry, did the dishes, cleaned the place, even took a shower myself. Great I was ready to do my homework, watch a movie that I haven't seen yet. Honestly, I haven't. It is Vertigo by Hichcock. For a few days in a row I watched it, but I still need to watch the second half.

But once I sat on my couch, at 1 o'clock in the morning or something, there was this movie with Robert de Niro (A Bronx Tale) - he even directed this one, on IMDb he got 7.7 points and I really don't know where he got them. Yes, I think it isn't a good movie and I think it was a waste of my time. But I sort of driffted in the feeling, hm let's see a mafia movie - Godfather is still worth watching - but this one isn't.
So that depressed me. I have Hitch waiting and I watch this. So in between comercials I looked through the channels and just got away. The night hour is dangerous. But that really isn't my main danger. More so, that I need to watch Hitch.

I work in the videotheque and film archive and I haven't seen Vertigo.

I have many holes like that and I am really ashamed. And that is also a big trigger. But p* isn't the main problem, of course it makes everything so much harder.

I am near tears right now. Because it feels like I will never reach that satisfactory point, where my EGO says, well you have seen the classics, you have a basis, now we can move on to ....

On to what?

I feel like this job is great, but I always wanted to be a critic. A literary or a film critic, I really wanted that. But never had the guts, cos I felt I don't have the basis.

And yeah, that is a trigger too. Dreams that I didn't live up to. For a time as I was a student I felt that it's no big deal to write, no big deal to read that and see this, no I feel like it is a big deal and that my time is running out.

yehoshua wrote on 29 Nov 2012 09:13:


You have to argue with that thought. You don't really know how today will go. If you keep an open mind, do your best and sort of watch what happens it won't become a self-fulfilling prophecy.




This is such a great example of how to make an addict. Thank you. You obviously enjoy mafia movies. But you have a belief that you are worth more if you enjoy Hitchcock. Translation: you only love yourself when you watch Hitchcock, because that is what refined, worthy, smart people do. But nobody forces you to have this belief. You can change it if you want to.




I think you rightly resent the fact that you want to watch what you like, which is mafia movies, and that in order to do that you have beat yourself, because that makes you a worthless person, so then you come back with a vengeance and feel like watching porn.

You can do a cost-benefit analysis here. What are the pros and cons of having the belief that worthy people enjoy some movies but not others? The main pro is that when you behave like that you tell yourself that you are worth a lot, but the con is that you tell yourself that you are worthless when you don't. If you drop this belief then you can watch the movies that you truly enjoy and still feel good about yourself. And you may finally figure out how to enjoy those more refined movies that you want to enjoy but obviously don't yet.

People do this with the Torah, l'havdil. We only celebrate the lives of talmidei chachamim. When they first learn about this they are not a talmid chacham yet, and they want to feel good about themselves, so they tell themselves that they are worthless if they don't learn Torah. But some people don't pay attention to whether they enjoy learning. So in the end they end up learning because they are worthless if they don't. Then in order to finally get some enjoyment they go off and do some porn. We need to stop thinking about levels and start figuring out to what extent learning is good for us, how to enjoy it.




Would that make you happy, or would it allow you to tell yourself that you are worth something now?




"No big deal" is a cognitive error called disqualifying the positive. In order to become great you tell yourself "this is not such a big accomplishment." However thoughts cut in many different ways. That thought motivates you but it also undermines further progress. To some extent you have to acknowledge your achievements. One way to do this is to write down a goal before you work on it, then when it's done you put a check mark next to it. When you look at all the check marks your hard work will stop making you miserable.

Thank you for your help Nederman.

I guess Bitul practice should hit the spot right now. But it really doesn't work for me. Also these pats on the back - i don't know. Perhaps I just have the problem of eating right, sleeping enough and not doing enough chessed without the thought of gaining something or benefiting from this chessed.

Well yes. I do want to be worthfull. I really do think that fine art, yes studying Torah, praying is what a worthful person does, a Jew even more so. So that is an issue for me.

And if I don't cut it. Yes, I feel worthless and I act out. This is very true.

The sad thing is, I still think this way. Even after this analysis. I mean Hitch did for instance a lot on psychoanalysis, so like in Marnie once the truth about the woman's past was revealed, Marnie stopped being a pathological thief and disgusted with men - she ended up in the arms of Sean Connery, happy, content and ready for a bright family future. This what Freud would suggest...

Hm, and I still don't know. You write

"DO YOUR BEST"

What is my best?

Indeed perhaps I should not think of myself too high and just try do basic stuff and really being realistic. Hm, honest I guess.

Then, what is my best?

Guess I need to rethink my attitude to work and world and find humility.... :-[

You speak as if this is an issue that cannot be fixed. Indeed, you bring an example of insight therapy. That therapy famously does not work. Cognitive therapy works. To change this belief just act as if you think you are worthwhile when you are not behaving right. Yes, you will feel like a phony at first.

But you don't want to try this right now, because you still deep down think you are better off as you are now. If you do a cost benefit analysis you may change your mind.

I know this is not the point of the post, but I just have to say, I am not the least a movie snob. I will watch any junk. (Although I am trying to be more selective now because of Shemirat Eynayim.) I just watch Vertigo a few months ago. Much better than 'A Bronx Tale'.