Sounds good! KUTGW

Dear R' Yehoshua,
I just caught up with your entire thread and hope to offer some words. It seems that you particularly struggle in this area at work.  Work is my danger zone as well, which was responsible for countless falls for me.  I have been making some progress lately thanks to participating in a 12 step group and as well recognizing my weaknesses.  I know I often fall during a certain time of the day either because I am bored or overwhelmed with the pressures of work.  I try to refocus prior to this “risky” time period and reach out to some GYE buddies through google talk.  I am sure you realize its very crucial to have a filter.  Is it feasible to at least re-situate your computer/office where it is open to the public as a deterrent? 

It’s good you write to Hashem to help you.  Do you verbally talk to Him as well (aside from regular tefila)?  Perhaps on your way to work each morning try having a conversation with him to help you out.  It may feel weird at first, but I think it is important.

You have had a modest sobriety streak (I think the most I counted was about 5+ weeks as well), but it seems to me just fighting constantly to keep clean is not going to help.  Granted its imperative to not look improperly at women, certain web sites, and anything triggering that could set off a fall, but I think that is only a temporary measure for addicts like us.  Working properly the 12 steps will perhaps uncover certain character traits that lead to this behaviour.  I know you read through the steps, but maybe you should take the plunge and try a real program with others in your similar predicament. 

Haltzlacha!

Yohoshua! Shalom!

I am sorry to hear about your fall, but I know you will get your self up again.

Are you ready for the haggim?

How are you doing Yehoshua?

Yeah, keeping busy only covers up the real problem.  It doesn't make it go away.

It's great you've realized this.

Acting out is a symptom; there's something behind it.  Start to watch out for those events, those feelings, prior to that "urge."  And, those are what you can start working on.  That's the start of true recovery.

--Eye.

yehoshua wrote on 01 Dec 2010 09:28:

Better a steady job than no job!  (BTW, next time you've got some spare translation work, send me a PM!)
PROBABLY, you've got an awfully lot going on in your life that you are not quite acknowledging.  That fact that you are concerned here shows that you try to be conscientious, and if you could have realistically pulled off this job, you would have.

Our job is only one small aspect of our lives (and for some of us smaller than others), and, contrary to popular belief, not even the most important.

Take a look at the whole picture.  You're a husband.  You're a father.  Etc, etc.  And, in the eyes o chazal, our success in our family is THE deciding factor for everything else.

WE'RE IN AN UPSIDE-DOWN WORLD.  SO, STAND ON YOUR HEAD!

--Eye.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 01 Dec 2010 19:37:
Wow. Words for living. As if I should sell the furniture in my "entrance hall" and keep a suitcase by the front door so I'll have a clean beged for the plane when Moshiach arrives. Everyone else has it upside down. A very nice, succinct, cogent phrasing, Eye.. Thanks.

Day 24

It's a bit hard to stay clean, my wife is on a business trip and now I am alone, which is not that good.  :'(

seconds after i wrote that i fell.

I am afraid that she might not return, i don't want to loose her. im scared of this emptiness.

I was on such a good way, now I am down. I could deal with work problems, but now new issues. I don't think this is working, I am not working, why I am  here anyaway. False belief. i'm dead meat. im sorry eye, briut, sorry silent, steve, bardichev, installed.... everyone, i feel like i ...

One more thing, my wife isn't to blame. She is great, beautiful, I love her very much. This is state i am in right now is higly dangerous. I must find a way out, hopefully like you guys.

I am sorry to have deleted all my posts, they seem like lies from where i am standing now.

sorry , i better go...

yehoshua wrote on 05 Dec 2010 11:09:

First of all, if you want to find recovery like the other people here, the best way to get it is by sticking around.

Secondly, our journey is full of ups and downs.  It's hard to be consistent; we don't walk straight, we limp--we walk funny!

So, yes, yesterday I had a marvelous day and I was an exceptional husband and father and I posted to tell the world about it.  And the next day, almost inevitably, I fall way short of that.  AT LEAST, I tell myself, I didn't yell too much or hit anyone.  And for today, that was my success.

Yesterday wasn't a lie AND TODAY ISN'T THE TRUTH!  The real truth lies somewhere inbetween.

--Eye.

Thank you for your reply. Are you right Eye? Maybe left Eye? Or inbetween Eye?  You don't have to use that tone ("first of all" and "secondly"), you know it hurts. But it's ok.
I am sticking first of all. Secondly I believe today is the truth, it is what gives me hope.

Yosh

yehoshua wrote on 06 Dec 2010 10:50:


Had no idea.

Glad to see you're still posting.  How are you doing?

Thank you for your question. I feel like walking dead. First day, what can you do.

I feel like everyone around me feels that I am different, empty, scary even. Like I am going to vomit any timenow, only that I don't have any food in me. I wish I could enter another state, a state of joy and freedom. But there is only darkness, death and oblivion, even if I look at something beautiful. I am in a tunnel and I would like it to end, even to end my life. But what would it bring, if Hashem were to bring me back, to the same spot with the same task, only that time with more shame luggage. My wife would be in great pain and I would not be able to face my parents in the other world.

This feeling is so heavy and I feel so heavy.

I went to visit my cousin at her daughters birthday. I was a bit late, for that I am sorry. I brought a gift and she didn't open it. The time was off, because just after my arrival came the birthday cake. But she didn't really open it, my wife and I chose that gift, it was a really nice blanket. Expensive too.
I also had gifts for others, but I couldn't give the gifts away, because there were some other people there also and I didn't have any gifts for these other people. So I left the gifts in the bag and the bag at their house. Now I am home.
I am home. My gifts are there on the ground and my wife is disappointed because I didn't do a proper presentation. My gifts were not accepted and I was not accepted.

All I wish in my life is to be a part of that table where the whole family comes together. A true part. And I am a shaddow.

Yes my wife is still away on a business trip. We talked over the phone. 

Yehoshua, I just caught up with your thread (or whatevers left of it) and my heart goes out to you.  If you haven't listened to already, you may want to check out this shuir from R' Reisman's (www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=2114) it may give you the chizzuk you need to continue.  Hatzlacha and keep hanging in there.

I talked with Eye on the phone. Baruch Hashem, I feel truly hopefull again. Thank You Eye!

Day 1

Also thank you ur-a-jew! A beautiful chizzuk.

Day 2

I am not myself. I am still in a state of numbness and some lust. I know it is very delicate time, I need to really collect my powers and concentrate on Teshuvah. This would be good time to enter into a productive state of mind, where I do acts of kindness for others. A time for selflessness.