You can always just try it out and see how it goes. I think, despite all this, you will find it helpful.

Perhaps it is beautiful when friends come from afar to visit you. I think it is.

yehoshua wrote on 24 Apr 2012 06:03:

Does that mean you're going to give it a try?

How are you doing, Yehoshua?

;D

Baruch Hashem, I'm doing great. I'm constantly kicking myself forward and I try to pray all the time, with each inhale and outhale.
Thank you for your question Elya.

I am not writting much the past few days, since I have little to add. My posts are full of feelings, that I feel all the time. But today I want to share something new.

What I am about to write does not contain anything explicit.

I discovered a youtube video (powerpoint) of p* perfomers, who died from drug overdose, alcohol or commited suicide and list is very long. Then I found one more video by two ex-p* stars, who talk about the industry.
It is a great video and there is absolutely nothing s* or p* about it. But please don't browse for it, so that something else doesn't come up.

I just wanted to share, that according to them:
- there is always drugs and alcohol involed, without it, the performers would not be able to do the things they are told to do
- the women there are mostly being forced doing things they don't want to do (perhaps they started to earn some money or to get away, but they didn't think it would go so far...), they "work" in impossible conditions (no cleaning, no safety, no control, little money). So many go in to prostitution, because there they have more control and more money, but as the video showed, many end up victims of murderers.
- every pleasure is faked (they are under the influence of alcohol, drugs to be able to fake it) and they don't know what real relationship is, so they must forget that pain does not mean intimacy
- the p* stars have depressions, are abused, addicted, So it is almost impossible to treat them, so for them to start living "normal" family lives is hard, because they don't trust anyone anymore,
- the industry knows about our addiction, they are counting on our need for more and more explicit p*, so they monitor our surfing to produce the kind of p*, that is in demand - with every click we create (demand) certain type of p*.
- the women in the video have turned to faith, to get out - this is how they stopped being in the industry


I just wanted to write this, since i had no idea. Sorry to sound like the "civilian" from the 2. world war, I didn't know about it.

But truly it is an issue of slavery on both sides. Perhaps without our addiction, the industry would have to fall, since there would be no money involved.... What a thought!?

I would like to end this post with a prayer, like those women did in the video, but here is mine:

Baruch Hashem
thy will be done
open our eyes so that we may see
and cover our heads so that we remain holy
and bring blessings to all who suffer from the addiction
even though gravity keeps us to the ground
help us stand as men, as Jews as humans
help us raise our hands in praise of Your glory.
Baruch Hashem

Thanks for the post. There was a thread once by a GYE member Bruce Wayne (shouldn't be too hard to find here) that posted stories from the other side. I never really thought about it before--the p*rn actresses aren't enjoying this--and neither are the p*rn actors! I couldn't believe it, but it was a very sobering thought.

--Elyah

Yup! There WAS a whole thread. Elyah is right.

Time passes and I approach the 90, I really need to change the Subject "Funny walk to 90 by Yehoshua". Maybe to "Not funny". But then I would have to become funny, since I haven't been funny so far.

Life really passes, we have rain and sunshine here, even though it is summer.

And I am sober. Slowly I am moving my "empty glass" from the table. "Empty glass" would be the idea of running away into pornland and I am constantly looking at that glass, fighting every sec not to put something in the glass. As so many said it before, it's the fighting that is a part of the problem, at the end of the day it seems all this fighting really is making me into an angry little dry addict, just a klick away from a slip and a fall.

I probably would, if I hadn't my wife. It's this fear and lazyness that is eating on me - but like the fighting against pretty women, I should learn to stop fighting my lazyness and fear.

So I am taking it step by step, maybe I will put flowers in the empty glass, it might look good, some people also put stones there. Like the wolf in Red Riding Hood, it was the weight of the stones that got the poor wolf to the bottom of the well. But that is really another story.

In any case I will start to daven for the wolf, is it his fault that he was born a wolf? Should he stop eating? Should he join the obese? I don't know.... But I will daven for him anyhow, so that he finds food and doesn't have to kill.

Sometimes I get the feeling I've got to do some drugs in order to fully understand this thread.

I love you, Yehoshua!

Keep on posting.

--Elyah

Love you too brother.

What I really wanted to say is, that I found a new way how to deal with life on Hashem's terms. Hopefully I am not missleading myself.

As said before: I am an addict and I act out as soon as I have some fear or am feeling nervous, angry... Ok, you get the idea. But why? Well, I feel overwehlmed, then I procrastinate and then I start browsing or version 2: I push myself hard first, make a mistake and then go straight to shmutz. Sound familiar? Probably not, because I know I am special

Anyway, lately I have found that before starting to work on something, I thank Hashem for giving me this particular challange, this obligation, without it I will never be able to grow. Then I pray for His help, since He gave me my life, my health, my family, my friends and my potential to grow and develope as a human being, to come closer to Him.

Otherwise, all the best to anyone reading this, may Hashem bless You (of course not because you are reading this, but because of Him) :

Just to say hi,

I am rereading the ebooks and the manuals, because my old feelings are coming up again. It's the 90 day chart, I'm back up, almost on the top and I had this problem before, that I came to 90, but then I just lost it.

So here is my progress, slow. I do admit that I haven't felt this good in a long time and that I don't browse the shmutz that I used to and I haven't m* for ages now, which before seemed impossible, plain impossible. I can't believe it really, before I could go a week tops without it, now Hashem blessed me. So yes, I feel great, but I also know the dangers.

Soon I will be a father, G-d willing. That keeps me up, but I also know that I shouldn't found my sobriety on someone else. I should put it on me, on Hashem.

So here I am writting. And Elya, I know I haven't joined a phone or a live group, I know it is not good. But I am a member of gye, so there is hope there. Who knows, perhaps I will stop fighting this and really start living and giving.

If whatever you are doing is working, keep on doing it.

Glad to hear things are going so well.

--Elyah

Honestly, I had a slip yesterday, but today I am working "hard".

In my mind I am slipping all the time and can hardly find solid ground. The only way to find is to really guard my eyes. : I can't believe, first it is really hard not to look again, like a pain inside, but then I look at my wife and I am in love, I can feel hear, listen to her.

But even more so. Addiction is only a getaway, true, yes, it's like I have a problem and then my mind jumps from the problem to the pain and then to p* and m*. This circle is hell, but everyone knows that already. So I really need to go back to my actual problem (I can't react healthy, without anger, frustration, to problems when not sober, I know the difference by now).

My actual problem still is life. The word itself makes me want to act out. As I say life, I really mean work. And when I say work, then I mean getting up in the morning and do my duty, go to work, learn, wash, iron, clean, do sports. You know the rutine of life is killing me, especially when I haven't done it properly yesterday and I have twice as much work today.

My actual problem remains rutine, I don't like it. But I can't have progress without it, I know. So what I am willing to do, is use the knowledge of how to remain sober, how to guard your eyes, to work - just stop being lazy, every time I feel the urge to be lazy, just guard my hands...

I am moving up to 90, I am afraid to relapse like I did every time. Somedays it is enough just to be sober, you know. Like you are happy to be alive, happy to just be healthy, the pain is gone. But after that feeling you might go: what now?

And the 12 steps answer that perhaps in applying the 12 to all areas of life.

Hello to everyone after a long brake ;D

I had a brake, BARUCH HASHEM, I am still sober, still clean. It is more then 90 now and I am embarking on a new trip. Today is my first day at work after the summer vacation and I am back on track.

Now, every begining is very hard, seems impossible. So I thought of Rabbi Preida and his patience. Slowly but surely I too will grasp the essence of patience. :