Honestly, I had a slip yesterday, but today I am working "hard".
In my mind I am slipping all the time and can hardly find solid ground. The only way to find is to really guard my eyes. :
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/smile.png)
I can't believe, first it is really hard not to look again, like a pain inside, but then I look at my wife and I am in love, I can feel hear, listen to her.
But even more so. Addiction is only a getaway, true, yes, it's like I have a problem and then my mind jumps from the problem to the pain and then to p* and m*. This circle is hell, but everyone knows that already. So I really need to go back to my actual problem (I can't react healthy, without anger, frustration, to problems when not sober, I know the difference by now).
My actual problem still is
life. The word itself makes me want to act out. As I say
life, I really mean
work. And when I say
work, then I mean getting up in the morning and do my duty, go to work, learn, wash, iron, clean, do sports. You know the rutine of life is killing me, especially when I haven't done it properly yesterday and I have twice as much work today.
My actual problem remains
rutine, I don't like it. But I can't have progress without it, I know. So what I am willing to do, is use the knowledge of how to remain sober, how to guard your eyes, to work - just stop being lazy, every time I feel the urge to be lazy, just guard my hands...
I am moving up to 90, I am afraid to relapse like I did every time. Somedays it is enough just to be sober, you know. Like you are happy to be alive, happy to just be healthy, the pain is gone. But after that feeling you might go: what now?
And the 12 steps answer that perhaps in applying the 12 to all areas of life.