No time to lose, too dangerous:

I gave Tzedaka to chabad.org, it's only 10 $, but it is what I wrote so many days ago:

-------------------------------
I will go through the 12 steps,
writting down the inventory of myself on a piece of paper                                                                           
Then write down 5 positive traits of mine and 5 last acomplishments
and then write what I could do about this problem
and write  5 things that I can do for my wife and
than post on the forum.

If this doesn’t work and I will imidiatly give 50 $ Tzedaka
I will pray for at least 5 minutes
I will take a walk for 10 minutes

After I fall
I will give 10 $ Tzedaka
I will post on the forum
And I will call someone from the GYE
-------------------------------

So now, I fell, I didn't do what I was supposed to do before a fall.

This is a new log now, I am in a dangerous place. I don't feel as down, as I did the last fall, where I looked heavy p* and m*. This time I just kind of slipped into a fall. Usually I act out much more after that intial "slip into fall". Now I didn't and that is good.
I am so sorry.

But no time to lose. I need a truck.

Funny, I fell again.  :'(

it went so fast... I can't believe myself. I am shaking all over.

I went to that site and viewed pictures and I didn't need much, I didn't even m*, it just happened. I am in trouble.

I donated 10$ to chabad.org (for me it's not so little).

yehoshua wrote on 02 Apr 2012 09:26:


Even if you did what you were supposed to do, you're still trying to recovery on your own--and your own way.  You're basically making up your own program of recovery.  There's a weakness just in that.

--Elyah

I don't know what to write. I keep praying for recovery. They say Hashem can't refuse an honest prayer, He can't refuse if you come knocking every day, every hour.

DAY2

lets say it together:
I hate shmutz
I hate anything dirty, let it be looks, talks, or toughts
I Love being and staying clean
please hashem help me to elevate myself from the dirt, and let me be close to you

Shmeichel wrote on 04 Apr 2012 08:06:


Amen

Amen

Yehoshua-
I am new here, and I was just reading through some of your earlier posts.
I know what you're feeling.  I have felt what your feeling.  I bottled it up inside me.  I never showed anyone how depressed and weak I felt.  It's a strong thing to be able to express that to us.

I think Elyah's comment is true.  It's something I am constantly struggling with--admitting that I need to use someone else's structure and plan.  But, as Elyah said, there is a weakness in that.  This is something we both need to work on.
Chag Kasher VeSameach
-IGW

ImGonnaWin wrote on 06 Apr 2012 13:55:


Thanks IGW; I won't argue with that!

I just went to town on this topic here: 
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4870.msg135636#msg135636

I think you'll find it interesting.

--Elyah

Thank you Elya, you are right. :'(

But I still can't join a live group, since we don't even have a real community in our country....

IGW, thank you for your post. It is good to know, that someone is feeling that feeling of helplessness.

So join the Duvid Chaim phone conference, starting up again soon (I don't know the exact day, but I know it's soon).

--Elyah

Eye.nonymous wrote on 16 Apr 2012 07:34:


I believe it's starting the 23rd. I'll see you there Yehoshua!

ImGonnaWin wrote on 17 Apr 2012 00:56:


Yashar Koach, and hatzlacha!

--Elyah

I want to remain honest, this is all I have. I wrote, that you are right, but I will not join a group. I will burn like a candle in the afterlife, this I know already. I have made so many demon-children, that you wouldn't believe, just like everyone here. And I ashamed, my wife dreamed about those children. She said, that she dreamt about children that I already have and that we will have a child now.
So why don't I join. Because it is the only way that I can remain honest with myself.

I have to find truth on my own, there is no other way. Only I can go to the mountain, I can't have anyone doing it for me. Another system, structure? Please, that's a lie. I see systems and structures all around me, but no one wants to tell it like it is. You wouldn't believe how full of bull are the people around, all lies, interests.

Sorry, to sound angry. I am. And I am not sorry for being angry. I can't afford it though, but here is the only place that I can talk about it.

Our country is falling a part, here we are all slaves to money. It's like the building of the golden calf. In comparisson to the sin our country is doing as a whole my sin of acting out is like nothing. We have made the golden calf, just like Nazi Germany. How does one survive that kind of a system?