Guys, I such a loser and such lazy slob, I can't even begin to tell you. If it were up to me, I would do absolutely nothing today.

But yesterday was good, after my last post I worked very hard, moving the whole archive and earned respect of many of my co-workers. And physically on the floor I came home around 5. You wouldn't believe, my wife made lunch, it was so good. And then she had some work and some people came over and then I went to the fitness center. I couldn't sleep after that so I was up and around until 2 a.m., I think - saw a stupid movie about the Iraq war - "The Hurt Locker" its called.

Anyway, I worked yesterday, maybe I don't need to work today, how 'bout on monday.

Ajajaj, I don't have so many mondays...

Elya, I think you are very right. My thoughts are not the thoughts of others, but what do you mean. Do you have an example, because it sounds strange.... Why should you negate yourself so much? "Yourself" meaning also your Neshamah.

I saw a video by Chris Gardner. He talks about things changing, you go to school, you work hard and then you end up on the street, homeless. The world changed. Could we say the same when it comes to being a Jid, when it comes to being holy?

A good Shabbes to all.

I mean, part of my problem is that I have always been trying to do things MY way.

Even when I am trying to be helpful, I do what IIIIIIIIII think would be helpful.

(But I'm so helpful!  Why doesn't my wife appreciate it!  Etc).

Simply put, if I'm trying to be helpful to my wife, I need to ask her--to get HER perspective, "What would you like me to do."  And, if I am trying to make ammends for my wrongs, I need to ask HER, "I'm sorry I have wronged you, what would YOU like me to do differently."

The same holds true for wives, and for any other relationship where ammends, and improvements, are in order.

Otherwise, I'm still doing things MY way, and MY way is what got me into all this trouble in the first place.

The only way to know what someone else really wants you to do for them is by ASKING them.

Introspection gets us further into our own heads--even when we are trying to think of other people; it doesn't help us to get inside anyone else's heads.

--Elyah

Here's something I just wrote in another thread, but it struck me as being relevant in this discussion, too:

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4870.msg134814#msg134814

Shavua Tov,

Elyah

I know what you mean, as the serenity prayer you sent says: Your will be done, not mine.

But what is HIS will? You are right, we must ASK HIM.

In some way, perhaps this is what I am doing. You be the judge:

I write on a piece of paper, what I feel like doing: like watching p* and m*, doing nothing, being scared, nervous (what ever I truly feel), then I write things that I think I should do, like: cleaning the house, reading Torah, going to the post office.

At the end, I write: Please Hashem, tell me what to do.



To be honest, Hashem made me this way, the good, the bad and the ugly, this is who i am! It's not a pretty sight. But I do have also the potential to come closer to Him, I know that!

So to some extent, I can go either way, only He can help me to go any way... Even the bad is not possible, if He doesn't allow it.

...just, when it comes to what to do to help your wife, and other human beings... the best way to find out what THEIR will is, is to ask them.

--Elyah

Guys, it's unbelievable how stupid and uninterested I feel. Elyah, you are so right, not only that I don't ask, even if I do know, what someone else wants, I still don't tune in.

But still, there is so much to do. I really should take things for granted.

I started viewing p* at my grandmother's. She had some magazines for clothes and there was also women's collection there. Innocent as it may seem, I started opening that magazine when I couldn't study anymore and was to frustrated. Things haven't changed that much.
But I did finish school. Somehow, I always had someone to lean on. And my addiction wasn't that bad, or to put it in perspective - I wasn't expected to perform that good. So I could be down and out and perform in anything just good enough. I had it under control, like in highschool and then at the university. But then it started to crack - I lost my father.

And now, now I would really like to view p* and just slip away.

But I would also like to pray to Hashem and come close to Him. Please Hashem tell me what to do....

I am so mad, I just spoke to my woman colegue. She thinks that the death of a child is always the same, when we talked about the masacre in Toulouse. And I said, well it's a big difference if a child dies somewhere where there is war or if it is killed in peace time infront of a school.

I: The difference is, that the mother will have no place to go now. If she brings her now only child to school, that child is in danger? There is no safe place?
Then she said: Why do they have to go to Jewish school, can't they go to normal schools? (she is a catholic, of course, who speaks ill of the Church, of course)
I: Well like the catholics (the majority in our country) also the Jews have their own school. What is wrong if a catholic parent wants his child to pray at the beginning of a school day? What if someone came and shot 3 kids and one adult point blank range, just like that?

Then I just left, because someone just came in.

So here I am, mad as hell. My colegue, who I thought is my friend, thinks that it serves that family right, because the Jews want to be different and because of what the Israelis did in Gaza!???? So next time, the Jews will know better?

And she asked: Well the catholics and Jews didn't have anything going on, no war there?
I answered: Well no, but don't count the inquisition and the holocaust.

Ok, do I have an antisemite working with me!? Or am I just to sensitive!???

I feel like acting out. But there so much work today and I don't have the time, I am overwhelmed anyhow. Why am I even talking to her!??

And why am I talking about my feelings? What about our people in Toulouse...

I guess we remain a holy nation everywhere and need to make a conscius choice fo being a holy person every day, every minute. We do have a choice, I do have a choice. Please Hashem validate my choice, may it be Your choice.

As all know, one of my major problems is

Procrastination

A found an intressting thought, Procrastination stems from fear. Fear is a sin.

It is a mitzvah not to be afraid.

yehoshua wrote on 27 Mar 2012 10:57:


I have a lot to say about that...

    But maybe I'll get to it later.

--Elyah

;D thats funny

Yes, I did have a slip and yes I did have a wet dream and yes, all i can think about is acting out. You, wouldn't believe what schmutz is going through my head, heavy stuff, I also typed in some schmutz in google and came across an old familiar website. I closed it as soon as I saw a picture, dear I am in real pain.

I want to act out, I am afraid, lusfull and I feel worthless.

The weekend was terrible. My wife and I were at her's parents place and we did a lot of work outside, preparing the earth for new crops and so. It was great, but I don't do much physical work, so I felt like not meassuring up, I just didn't have enough strength for all the work, I couldn't push my self harder.
So yesterday wasn't nice eather. My wife had a report to do and I helped her and I couldn't focus enough to really give her the needed support.

So today we kind of overslept, I did some ironing for my wife and me and made coffee. But I feel like such a loser.

So my home is still in a mess. I don't have any money for the plans that we are making to renovate the house and to buy some other stugg, I am so week and so dumb. My office is in a mess, I am fat, I didn't pray, I hardly believe in Hashem's help.
I don't feel close to him....


I am sorry to be writting all this. You'd think I be imune to these feelings already.

I feel like wanting to die already. And its like reading a post of when I fell.

So I went and took a cigarette from a colleugue of mine. It has been like a 6 months, man more, like almost a year since my last one. But I needed it.
And I feel like acting out.

:'(

I wrote:

It has been 133 days clean and then I fell. But hey, as all know, a fall doesn't just happen, it builds up. And when it was building I didn't start crying GEWALT. How can I do it differently this time, so that after I hit 90, I will come here and will be humble in saying, Baruch Hashem -my last Fall

And still I fell after that. But that is a good quote and so I want to post it again.

My forfathers were so great and strong and noble and where am I?

If I could do just one small mitzvah today, please Hashem. I don't want to save the world, but there these feelings of ego: Man, you need to do something great, you are way behind.
And yet the steps that I need to take are probably were small.

Fear, it's a sin to be afraid. Please Hashem, teache me how to overcome this fear.

Our whole country is wrapped in fear, fear of losing their jobs, fear of losing money and position. Everyone wants to be the boss and so even my colegue. She would be a better boss then me, I know that and that hurts. I keep trying, but I feel like I already failed, before I even tried.

Were is this coming to. The whole world is crazy.

How does one stay sober in a crazy world. I can't guard my eyes and pretend that nothing is happening. So I want to do the only thing that I know how to: run away into the land of schmutz and death.

Death is seems so sweet when one needs to fight. I don't want to fight, I don't have any strength, I don't have any willpower. So indeed, I am helpless.

May I also write that our politicians are corrupt to the bone. Our prime minister is being investigated for some unclean business - are state is becoming a police state.

And I want to run away.

How did they survive in the KZs? How did they survive that ordeal and I can't even get up in the morning and go to work. Am I a hero for not acting out? For just going to work? It feels like a slaves life. Indeed I am helpless.


And all this writting isn't helping me right now. I still have so much to do. I am overwhelmd, man I sure could use Hashem's help. Like a vision or something, a burning bush or a tablet falling from the sky on my head to get me sober. A burning cloud or a tear from running down my mother's portrait. I sure could use my father, who yelled at me and always said:

I tell him just six times and he gets it imidiately.

I sure could use a place to hide and let someone else deal with stress. But the cavalry is not coming. Like the hero in a movie, the police cars are far away, dirty Harry fights alone. Maybe that the message in all those movies? We are alone and at the end the cops come, the cavalry. Only in film they help you, in real life you get sewed.

Oy weh. Sechs Kinder und kein Brot.

So this river of tears, Hashem, may it bring something to grow. Plants don't like this salty water....

So Hashem, at least let me cry sweet tears...

So then...

I went back to google, browsed through a site, that hadn't any real schmutz material, but it is a s* site for men who want to be treated like dirt. And the site itself had warnings, to leave immidiatly if one doens't want the effect of the site and its content. Then I hear my colegue walking down the hall. I could yell gewalt. And then suddenly i ejaculated. Just like that

I went to the bathroom. I want to m*, but i forced myself not to do it again.

Can you even believe my thoughts: Maybe this is not a fall.

But it is, it's a fall.

I am sorry guys, I am so sorry!  :'(

So I am back on the chart, day 0. Hashem please don't let this effect my wife and our not yet born child.

I am so disappointed of myself. I let everyone down.

My name is Miha and I am an addict.