DAY 95

I am taking up some aerobics class with weights. In that group of people I was the worst, I could hardly keep up. So that makes me think, how in great need I am of a mentor and a group.

You see, if I were to train alone, I would work hard and think I did great. But like this, I train with a group and I worked realy very hard and I have the feeling of a poor performance. It's only because it's in the light of others...

This is a trap in some way, because I got to 90 alone. And I came to that aerobics class alone. Still I am afraid to admit it, but perhaps I am strong enough to join group work out, seek out mentors, have friends to compete with and still remain alone. This will be a hard one, but perhaps the only way to keep my sanity.

Frankly, it's just healthier to be involved with other human beings and to work together with them.

Oh my friends,

Darn, i can't seem to get straight. I am lusting so bad, I went through the steps, but it doesn't help. I accidently came across some picture, because i wanted to send my wife a picture of a rose, so something bad came up.
Oh, yes, i resisted, but then it haunted me the next I so another picture like that. So typed in some shmutz and then deleted it, and then tiped and deleted. I got up, took my notes out of my pocket and then started going through the steps. But then went back and deleted, closed the windows. I didn't fall yet, but I am so close. Everything seems so close, I can remember all the bad things that I liked to watch, it's all here....

I wanted to pray all the time, but I have some stuff still to do here at work and I would like to finish them.

So here goes.

I started typing smutz in because I have still a lot of work, but I am tired and overwhelmed and actually I don't have any self worth right now. I feel like a loser. That's my trigger, this is how I feel.

I did however a lot of work today. I prayed in the morning, read the daily parsha bit, helped my wife, hung the laundry that I washed yesterday, actually did a lot of work here in my office.
So today I was successful-
I was active,
I am very ambitious - i still want to do a lot of work
I am candid - I did type in and I clicked and then turned away, and I am scared and I am lusting
I am caring - I was very gentle to my wife and to my coworkers
competent - I read through an entire document and then answered it for my colegue in english, even though she is older and has more experience, I did it faster and better
courteus - because I didn't blow at another woman co-worker, since it was here turn for coffee and I ignored that (you see, she is works here almost pro bono - the project money has been stoped due to other intresets - but let me not get into that) and brought coffee for all of us.

So I am a Jew and I would really like to clean everything up in my office so that I prepare to recieve some new materials on thursday. I am doing actually extra hours, that are of course unpaid. But I would really like to do this.

So here goes...

Please Hashem, tell me what to do. I would like to finish my work, not for money, not for fame.

So again, I am afraid, scared for my life, I can't help myself, I need porn, I want to act out, I want to m*, I want to act out in bad ways, I want to fall deep, I want to look at p* and just loose myself, because I'm a loser

BUT

I want to honour my mother by cleaning up
I want show love to my wife by staying clean
I want to come close to Hashem by constantly praying

PLEASE HASHEM TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

the positive traits - method didn't work, only after I wrote the last one on a piece of paper, that helped collect my wits.

Back on track, working.

A loser working, not for myself.  8)

from one addict to another - you dont need Hashem to tell you what to do - He already did that by showing you GYE.the answer is now up to YOU, and YOU alone.but, you are not alone in being alone - you have everyone here that is rooting for you.but after you read all the posts that are telling you you are NOT a loser, like you think, you will be by yourself.but not really.just think of all the people here.
did i confuse you?
people accuse me of white-knuckling it, well, the way i see it, that's the only way.hit your bed with a tennis racket if you have to.go to a train station and scream your head off.blow off steam.do exercise.do 500 jumping jacks.anything.just get that energy out in other ways.
hatzlacha jack

good suggestion - i will go run - i AM FAT - but i have to release that energy - and maybe slim down a bit - i am irritated and angry - not lusting - but anger is a trigger - i am off to run .

yehoshua wrote on 13 Mar 2012 15:56:


What, specifically, do you mean by this?

--Elyah

rontov, how was your running?
was it a RUN TOV?

JACK, tnx, it's not confusing, but a real warm feeling. I truly am many, as I also am alone.

Yesterday my wife had a bad day, she worked from morning to 7 p.m., so did I. Bad means: stress at work, people asking her questions that are not that pleasant, problems with children and so on and on, a very stressful day.

I am begining to believe now that whatever effects her, effects also me. If she has a bad day, then I feel like hell (hell as in addict's hell). Before I always saw, that if I acted out, then she would get stomach problems. Real problems, with blood and pains. But I explained that before. I think it is linked.

Isn't this something that we read on Meshiah's coming? Don't some say, that our actions prevent the coming of Meshiah? Are we not here as one?
A scary thought if I think of my addiction and my actions. The other side seeks comfort and I run away by acting out.  But then if I don't act out, then I am there to give comfort. Not by words, not by intellegence, but by being.


Elya. What does it mean to go through the steps for me!???
I have the steps written out and I start a conversation with myself and with Hashem. Beginning with I am helpless, admiting and writting that down.. This is my version of "going through the steps".

oh and one more thing - you call yourself a loser???!!! hah!! by the fact that you are coming here to this site shows you are already on the path to winning!! youk now how many people are in denial?? who say they don't have a problem?? who say they can get out of it anytime they want??

you're ahead of the game, man!!

yehoshua wrote on 14 Mar 2012 11:18:


I'm curious to what you do regarding those steps that involve other people.

--Elyah

the run was great - i ran 1.5 miles without stopping, took a shower and fell in bed - having forgotten who had slighted me and who i was mad at.  Its like a reset button.  I will run again today.  Part of my sobriety plan is exercise today.  :

Elya, I write the names down. It's actually only my wife, then I write things that I could compensate - I write 5 mitzvahs that I could do for my wife and then I do them.
Before it also involved my work, so I would put the name of students there and so on.

I also did my workout yesterday, one hour on the eliptical, FAT BURN program. Today hopefully I will go lift weigts....  8)

Today at work, I am feeling like hell, nothing is coming along and I feel tired and alone, but I have maneged to make one statistics already and move some of the archive. Now, I still have the big thing of receiving originals betas from another department. Uf, that a lot of work. And I am alone in this, no one here to help me.

Well the harder it is, the happier I am. Why?  I don't know, but it sounds Jewish.

hatzlocho rabo with burning away those non inviting extras

For me, I have found the things that I, through my own reflection, would think that my wife wants me to do in order to improve our relationship is often radically different from what my wife would want me to do.

So too, with other people I have strained relationships with.

Part of ammends, the way I understand it, involves humbling myself to other people and being willing to do what they ask of me; to get out of my head and to stop doing things my way.

After all, doing things my way is what got me into the mess to begin with.

And part of the freedom that I have found, through doing ammends, is that the things I feared most where not at all important to the other people involved.

Just a thought,

--Elyah