DAY 69

Vau, another day. Well I have been not very good this morning, I was talking and drinking coffee all morning with my coworkers, from 8 to 10:24. I didn't do any work.

This night I had a nightmare: first day I was having fun and the next day I was in panick, I woke up too late and the day before I forgot about a teaching job that I had. I was in panick.

Sounds a lot like the Pharao's dream.

Joseph, where are you?

Self-pity is nothing less than an impulse to destroy yourself. And this is its script:

"This is the way you were made. These are the facts of your situation. It's bad. Worse than anybody else in the whole world. In fact, it's so bad, it's impossible to do anything about it. And therefore, you are free from any responsibility to clean it up. Nobody can blame you for anything."

Self-pity is a liar and a thief. A liar, because everyone is granted the power to clean up his own mess, if only he will try. A thief, because as long as it sits inside you, it is stealing away the days of your life.

Based on letters and talks of the Rebbe, Rabbi M. M. Schneerson - by Tzvi Freeman

yehoshua wrote on 15 Feb 2012 19:48:

thanx

yehoshua wrote on 15 Feb 2012 19:48:


Yehoshua,

You might like what I wrote here:
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4870.msg132871#msg132871

Hatzlacha to you,

Elyah

DAY 657 and DAY 74

Had I only been free, clean the entire time... I would have counted 657 DAYS, but there are only 74. I feel like such a loser and I know I shouldn't, because it will lead to a fall. I know I feel like acting out.
Of course I also feel like a loser on the professional level, cos I haven't seen many films (that's somehow my job), I am a bad translator, I don't really know how to run home finances, I got fat and I broke my family... Sounds like an addict talking.

However, this is how I feel. And I am honest.

All this work, all this thinking and writing and praying and crying and pleading and talking, and yet, here I am, again at the pit, wanting to jump, having shaking knees.
It never stops... So I want stop being honest.

Is there anything that I can do about it!?

No. Only He can.

Elya, thank you. You are there, like Elya.

DAY 75

I am feeling so week these days.

But in the morning I did my daily study and I even put on tefilin. I did some work at work and I keep going strong.

How can you feel weak when you know there are friends out there rooting for you?

yehoshua wrote on 20 Feb 2012 11:29:


Perhaps you need a more formal and more intense program of recovery.

Just an idea.

--Elyah

yehoshua wrote on 20 Feb 2012 11:29:


Imagine a stock that goes up 1% each day for 657 days but on day 74 it fell a couple of points, then continued to climb again is that so bad ??!!  youre way ahead of the game !!!  Your a winner man !!  keep it going !

Hashem and the rest of us, even your yezter Horah*, is rootin for ya...

HY

* because even he, as he is trying to seduce you to fail, wants you to win and succeed, hes just serving Hashem by doing his job

DAY 76

Guys, thank you.

TehillimZugger - thank you for the warm feeling.

Elya - You give me a lot to think about - as always. It is not a solo thing, as you say. But why don't I join a group?

Is it because of my wife?
She knows all too well about it, since she feels it on so many levels, that there is really nothing to hide. If I act out she gets really bad dreams of me leaving her and also she gets pains in her stomach (to the point of blood in her extrement) - that happens as often as I act out. Not to speak of the atmosphere and her relationship to problems and other people, that is terribly effected by my "mood" afer my acting out.
I didn't tell my wife, because for me it would mean, that I want her to help me with my addiction.

Where is my problem?
Well, I don't want my wife to help with the addiction, cos that's not the real problem. We deal with problems and there I do ask my wife for help. The problem is in my way of viewing the world and responding to it.

So why don't I join a group?
I don't know, I think I am afraid of that. Afraid that I will have a sign saying "HELLO MY NAME IS TRALALA AND I AM AN ADDICT TO... DO IN NEED TO SPELL IT OUT" - may I spell it out. Even here people write p* and m*. I don't think people understand, but that really isn't my problem. I don't think, that it would work for me. I tried groups before and it never worked out - religious groups. I can't afford that. Not the coming out, but the possibility, that it wouldn't work. If I were in a group and then I were to act out, then it would be devastating for me. I can't afford it. As you know, I already was really close to the ledge. I was thinking about killing myself. So, in fact I am afraid, that the group wouldn't work.
I don't know, I don't know.

What if I act out in real life and it stems from todays mistake of not joining a group? What if I get worse?
The group would not change that, as said above. But truly, they could catch me at the bottom. But then again. It is my life and my choice. Not all choices are good, but without a choice I am dead. So this is my choice, for better and worse. I stand alone. I don't want power and I don't want to be special, I just want to do a mitzvah today.

Today I can do that because of Hashem. Tomorrow is mystery.

Thank you Elya!!!

Hashem Yaasfeni - thank you. You remind me of King Solomon: "The heart of the wise man looks to the right; the heart of the fool looks left". I just read an article on change yesterday on Aish.com: www.aish.com/sp/pg/49082201.html. And that was the first rule of change: See what you have already done. Hashem Yaasfeni, or should I say the King Solomon in You is truly wise, thank You.

I spent a long time treading water in recovery.  I was wondering--I'm going to the groups, and I'm reading all the recovery literature--WHY ISN'T IT HELPING ME!  Why isn't it working!

Then, I realized.  NOTHING CAN HELP ME.  That is, if I don't help myself.  The program won't work.  That is, unless I work it.

I have to ask myself, "What have I done, today, for my recovery?"

I can't do it alone, but I have to do my part.

I spent 3 months complaining that my sponsor wasn't helping me through the steps.  I was relying on him.  Then, I realized--it depends on ME!  Then, I took the time out of my schedule, an inconvenience to myself, to make sure I can call him EVERY DAY.  I took the initiative, "We're not really moving along; what do I have to do in order to get past step 1?"  Then he gave me guidance, and I followed instructions as soon as I could and as well as I could.

"And that has made all the difference."

--Elyah

DAY 78

Today has been good so far. Read my daily Rashi and Tanya. And now I am already working hard in my office... No, for real.

Also, I found that I must give up certain things concerning work. And that is my need for power, my need for money and my need for fame. By giving up the ego I can truly make something and do a true mitzvah. So these are my thoughts.

Also by reading the daily Parsha segment, I feel as if today (and right now) is special. We just got the instruction for the building of the altar, truly we have never been so close to Hashem as now, and never has His presence been so clear, has He been so close.

Baruch Hashem.

Elya, you are amazing. We truly need to keep moving along. Thank you, I deeply appreciate your honesty. I too believe that it depends on ME and that I don't stand alone.
So today is a new day, I want to be sober for today. And today I want to do something for my recovery. I will start with singing a good tune. 

And good Shabbes to you all.

yehoshua wrote on 24 Feb 2012 08:23:


Good! singing Lecha Dodi?

DAY 81

Here it comes again, I am here. YH is stronger, I am helpless. I could brake down in tears. I just read Rising's story - sorry, I don't want to rub it in. But what is this battle that we are fighting, this rotten addiction, that makes our finest fall. I don't want to contribute to sorrow and I don't want to be sentimental, so I will stop it right now.

On the other hand, give me just the freedom to say: This is not easy, this is hard.

Guys it's day 81. Baruch Hashem, every day is special.

DAY 82

A great day, counting my way up to 90. Yupi.  ;D

Tralala hopsasa tralala .......  :