DAY 33

I have written a post two times before, thanking Hashem Yaasfeni and ZemirosShabbos! But as you can see, I never posted it, it was simply because I got interupted and then I did get back to it, couldn't.

These days are so heavy. Lots of work, worries, work and then all this lazy feelings and then the wish for planing.

Hey, I am not making any sense.

So honestly. I have been slipping. I haven't watched any porn, but I did type in words in youtube that could give p* material - not real p*, but enough to get me started. I didn't however follow those links and I didn't go further. I usually just closed the window and went back to the 12.
So this is a big step for me.

But I would really like to take it further.

I am writting on a piece of paper every time I feel bad or when I have to do something, how I am and then what I want to do and at the end I write a plea to Hashem.

Today I wrote:
-----------------------
I am lustfull, I am addicted to p* and m*, I am lazy, I have no ambition, no will power, no focus, no interests, I am afraid, frustrated, angry, helpless, overwhelmed

but i want to be sober, search for true light
I want to do something for the place I work at
I want to be a good husband
I want to be as deep as my uncle

Please Hashem, tell me what to do

------------
This is what I do these days. Trying my best and asking Hashem for help. I have started stuying more then before and do even more at work and I do more for my wife.

Baruch Hashem I would really like to stop at every thought that pulls me down, just stop, go and write down my thoughts and what I truly aspire to. That is something important for me.

I see that, the most important thing in life for me is that. That I have something important to do. Purpose! It is not enough for me just to be sober, I need purpose. Without that I am not.

So I found myself the other day. I finished all my work, but then I had nothing else to do. So I went and I learned Rashi and so on. But then I didn't feel like learning anymore and I wanted to start slipping. Something else came up then, so I couldn't act out. Our roommate needed something.

That was scary. I found also that I need to write something else on that little paper:

I want to have a purpose, I want my life to mean something

Please Hashem, tell me what to do!

Man you need to keep busy. I tell you you have too much free time on your hands. its up to you alone.

but seriously, if writing poems works for you then fine... but it sounds to me that its not enough some here comes some heavy duty medicine....you dont have to take it, just my H opinion....

No one here is going to save you if you dont do it yourself...so stop whining and begging to be saved... thats for the goyim....

for us Hashem expects us to do our bit, just a small bit like eye of a needle and He'll do the rest.

Now heres my advice. Go get a part time job, make a few bucks then spend it on an MP3 player, then load up the clips i told you about on the previous posts, then listen while you work.... 

You can whistle while you work as well I dont care....

All I know is it keeps me focused on torah and good thoughts so theres little time for nasty Yetsy Hury to bother me....

This is the big kick in the Tu---s I wish someone had given me years ago....so dont take it personally. it is said with love to myself and to anyone else who wishes to grow....

DAY 34

HAVA NAGILA HAVA NAGILA HAVA.....


So I am away whistling :-) Thanks for the upbeat Hashem Yaasfeni, you really brought a smile to my face. I never in my life received such a warm kick in the t...sh. Baruch Hashem.

Part time job, hm... Well I have this big translation ahead of me. I haven't tackled it yet since it gives me the shivers, but whining and begging to be saved is for the goyim. So, here we go.

I will keep you posted! 8)

However as true as all this may be, I still admit that I am helpless, nonetheless. And to be honest, truly honest and no offense intended, writing poetry got me here. No one else can help, no one else helped, I am here on my own, no group, no sa, no ssa, no telephone (only once with Elya).

Elya said once (not in so many words), that I can't do it on my own. But I got here DAY 34, no medication, no shrink, no meetings, nothing. I know that I am addicted and I didn't act out for 34 f* days. I have a full time job, I teach german on the side once a week and I work evenings with my wife on her new studies (she studying informatics), I cook, I do the laundry, I clean and I study Tora in the morning, while my wife is working on european projects besides her full time job - so she gets home a bit later then me, enough for me to make something warm. But hey, I will think about that part time job....

I am sorry, I got mad. I do that, please no offense intended. Truly, it just hurts me.

I would like to be funny and cool and ready to listen, but not here. I would like to be "super me", no whining, no pleading, just great results, but I don't want to do it here. Here I want to be honest.

But as bad as it may sound, nobody wants to see a loser, nobody wants wining, pleading for mercy. Not even the goyim, not even in here.

Maybe it wasn't intended like that, maybe Hashem Yaasfeni ment something else. And then I should realy get that darn mp3 player and shut up about it.

And maybe I will.

Me and my poetry. I hate that, since I was a child I have been hearing that. And yes, Hashem Yaasfeni, you are right - it seems you hit center point. That is why I got so angry. But I must also say this, in my honest opinion, I asked Hashem to save me. But hey, I don't how Hashem works, so maybe he is working through you. But then again, maybe not. Who knows, anyway I do wish to grow and I do take it personally.

So my honest personal thanks! For real, no offence intended, no offence given. Thank you.

So day 34, its sunny.  ;D

DAY 35


It's so sunny, I don't feel like working, thinking, I feel only like doing nothing.

But today I already did some studying, I got my self all brushed up, made coffee, made fresh juice (like every morning) and did already some reading on Kieslowski and also somethings here at work. So moving along.

DAY 36

I saw One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest yesterday. What a feeling of freedom.

DAY 39

Today I feel like really losing it. I don't feel like working, so lazy, so dumb, so helpless. But there so much to do, I am overwhelmed by all the work.

But I still want to do something.

Hashem please tell me what to do.

close your eyes
take a deep breath
and say psalms 121
שיר למעלות... עזרי מעם ה' עושה שמים וארץ
feel better?  :-*

thats a knows seguleh for journeys
life is a journey

DAY 60

I haven't posted in a while. I must admit many things, many problems, many victories. The reason I haven't posted is, that I was quite busy and in my spare time I read Psalms. In the morning I now read Chumash with Rashi and Tanya (daily dose from chabad) and it really gives me a push in the new day.

Some nights ago I had, what they call a wet dream. Forgive me, I didn't restart the count, because it really was a dream and I woke up then seeing that it was a wet dream. I know what the dream was, I became a woman by dressing up as one. That is a mayor issue for me. Then from that point on I became scared, because it's really not a wish only a fantasy, a fantasy I don't want to dwell on. But I had to. Thinking about it, I realized it was about my father and his relationship whith my younger sister. I wanted the attention that she was getting from my father, so I wanted to be like my sister. Searching for the love of my father, I found moments that my father and I had, moments of true love of father for his son. And it felt so good being a son.

I am searching for my father. Searching for him, for his love. And I want to be as good as he was, only to come close to who he really was. I am starting to realize who he actually was, and I am starting to truly love him.

And my mother and my father were the first to know. I am going to be a father too.

reading psalms is amazing! King David Rocks!

DAY 64

So I am just having fun here, this is easy ridding. Anyhow the only way to survive these days has been the proven way to tackle my addiction.

I write on a piece of paper my feelings, everything. So if I feel like watching shmutz, then I write that. Then I write, but this is yh and it will lead to certain death.

Then I write, what I would really like to achieve and what I would really like to do.

And at the end I write: Please Hashem, help me, tell me what to do, what to think, what to say.

So that's it.

Baruch Hashem.

Today in the morning, I felt really bad though. It was early morning and I started feeling depressed. Yeah, I woke up and got depressed and that nervous, so I wanted to reach down. And suddenly I got such a pain in my left hand, that I just took my hand back. Some angel must be watching over me.
Then I got up and read the daily study on chabad.org and browsed through Tanya (the plain english was great). I studied Tanya with a Chavrusa, but this morning it was different and it gave me reall power. Vau, great stuff.

So all the best to you fellow strugglers!!!! And a great Shabbes too!!!

Good Shabbos!

yehoshua wrote on 13 Jan 2012 07:51:


JUICYFRUIT!

KUTGW,

Good to see you're doing so well.

--Elyah

DAY 67

It's a bit of struggle. But I am back to my method. At the end stand Sichon and Og and they will be defeated.

Gut up early this morning and read the daily Chumash with Rashi. And I am feeling strong, so I will try to read also the Psalms. I will need the extra power, cos I have a dentist appointment today. Uf.


All the best to you my fellow strugglers.

DAY 68

oooooooooooohhh that all blues is all over me. Listening to Amy Winehouse and doing my work. Talking about Amy, that is sweet sorrow.

But as Tanya says, sluggish will get me no where!!!

L'chaim Valerie.