Hatzlocha rabba and we are with you (at least this dude is).

Today is day 32, b"H!

Please Tatty in heaven, let me make it through today!

If you are reading this, please check out Briut's blog and the story I refer to.

Y

Briut,

Thanks for that story and bringing it back to what's going on here at GYE. As most of us do, I have almost daily interaction with Rabbonim and Roshei Yeshiva for various reasons. Last night I attended a wedding in Cleveland together with around 700 others...so my anonymity is still solid...anyway, it was a wedding of two powerhouse Rabbinic families and I used the opportunity to poll the different Rabbonim at the wedding about internet porn addiction.

When I tell you that every Rov, yes every Rov had multiple stories I'm not lying. I begged and pleaded with each Rov to please send their mispallelim to GYE and to support this very chashuv program. I came close to admitting to one particular Rov about myself (I know he has suspicions right now...but that's ok) but I think it's important that we as a GYE community at least speak about the issue to Rabbonim we know well and encourage them to encourage others to join us.

Honestly, I thought I was alone as my screen name says. I literally thought I was the only ben-Torah who had this addiction. I thought that curbing that addiction was impossible. I thought that Hashem hated me...but because of this forum, because of this ability to share the truth...I'm have now completed 31 days of cleanliness...some better than others...but let me share what I have done:
I have internet filters on my laptop (chavursa has the key)
We have a strong internet filter at home (wife has the key)
I have downloaded a filter for my Iphone...working on it, but the browser is weak, b"H
I have increased my tefillos to Hkb"H, because I have learned that Hashem loves me no matter how "bad" I've been!

What have I not done:
I have not intentionally searched on line for porn
I have not been mz'l
I have stopped looking at trigger web sites, including FoxNews
I have not watched any porn in my hotel rooms
I have not attempted to seduce any women in hotel bars
I have been good (not great, but pretty good) at not looking at scantily clad women.

All of this I have done or not done for the sake of gaining closeness to my creator and my loving family.

This is a marathon and not a sprint, I have learned...we're in this together, forever.

Thanks guys and thanks Bri for inspiring this post.

Y

Dear (Not)AAOT, amush:

You are so sweet for the feedback. I often forget that my own rambling posts aren't private, and that the rest of the chevra can read them (for bad or for good).

Forgive my confusion here. You referred to a story. I'm assuming you meant the story about my sukkah in J'sm and the "I'd rather be dead" bochur.  COULD YOU PLEASE PASTE IN HERE THE FIRST LINE OR TWO OF THE POST YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, so I'll know which of the HUNDREDS (whoa) of postings is the subject?

Thanks so much.

As to this being common and well-known to choshuva rabbonim, all I can say is, YES. From high school through rebbes. Probably roshei yeshiva, also. And where can they go where they can find a torah perspective, torah chizuk, and a shared value of why is so bad when it's spoken about proudly and openly on the stage of famous comedians....

The pioneers here are paving the way for a larger following, and the combined teshuva m'ahava is sure to hasten Moshiachzeit. What a chevra!!

Sorry! Here is the story:


We spent Sukkos in J'sm, kept 2 days yomtov, and ended up with yeshiva bochrim from all over who needed a second day meal. Our sukkah somehow expanded to the challenge, and I was presiding over a lunch with a dozen guys who shared very little except the need to observe yomtov.

There was some kinda "security situation" in E'Y and many parents had asked their kids to come home, while their Roshei Yeshiva typically said to stay. This put the boys in a terrible situation, and I decided to poll the table and see where everyone was "holding."

The stories ran the gamut: one is leaving for home, another is staying but promised to avoid buses... etc. Then one guy spoke up. His long curls were tousled, his kippa shruga was a little the worse for wear and hanging off to the side. His cynical smirk was almost palpable when he started to speak.

"Naah, I'm staying here." End of story. But I decided to draw him out a bit:
> "What do your parents say?"
"My mom is okay with whatever I tell her."
> "Does your rosh yeshiva say anything?"
"No, but he says I can stay."

The conversation wasn't going anywhere, and frankly I was about to move on from this angry, one step from the streets, flippant young man. But I tried one more time, and got the whole story.

"I found this yeshiva about six months ago. I had been out of yeshiva for a long time. Sorta left a lot of places. In some, the rabbis were a bunch of hypocrites. In some, they just didn't like me. In some I couldn't keep up. I dunno, it never seemed to work.

"Then I came here and was gonna just live in J'sm. But I found this place. And the rabbis have this great torah. And it's easy to learn from them. And they love me. And suddenly I can be a Jew again. And I was feeling so dead. And now I'm finally feeling alive.

"I'm not leaving this place for anything. And my Rosh Yeshiva would never ask me to leave this place. Never. And my mom, well she is so happy that I'm here and doing well that she said she'd be on my side in anything I decide to do with this war.

"But I'm not worried about some security situation in another part of the country. It will never hit J'sm. It will never hit any of us. But that's not the point. I finally found a home in Torah. And I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN LEAVE IT. I'VE BEEN THERE, HALF-DEAD. i'M NOT GOING BACK. SO I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I'D RATHER BE DEAD THAN GIVE THIS UP.

That kid who had almost convinced me what can go wrong in the yeshiva world had just reminded me everything that can be RIGHT. When I could finally wipe the flowing tears from my face and turn to him again, I thanked him for making my entire trip worthwhile. And I meant it.

Anyhow, I just thought of this story because it reminds me that our work has no end, and that it's beautiful enough that life without it isn't worth living. I might not enjoy all the hard work I see ahead of me, in GYE and many other areas of life, but I'd rather die than miss it. Truly.


Thanks Briut!

Y

I'm not very good at posting and honestly I'm not sure more than two or three of you are even reading the posts...but it is very therapeutic for me...so I will continue.

Anyway, last night was not stam. Since I am a sports fan I decided that I would watch the NBA game for a few min before learning with my kids.

My mental matzav is so bad with this situation that I had to turn off the game because I felt myself looking at the crowd and the cheerleaders too much...so, b"H I turned off the game.

Anyway, last night I had a dream and I was with one of the girls. I literally felt myself masturbating during the dream. But this is where it gets nuts...I woke up and stopped myself...I woke up dry, b"H. I had felt subconsciously that I needed to not do this and I didn't.

Let me tell you; this was a pure miracle. Not stam!

Have a great shabbos.

Y

allaloneontop wrote on 11 Jun 2010 17:55:

Yeah, about the same thing happened to me a couple of months ago. A pretty good sign that the brain is actually rewiring. Real, palpable evidence that something is happening with all this GYE work. Enjoy the feeling. (The one of getting it together, NOT that other feeling! Duh.)

I'm such an idiot...wow did I fall hard...after 41 days also...at least I admitted it immediately...and trust me, it didn't make me feel better one bit...

I did everything wrong last Sunday night...the laptop was in the house...my wife was out of town...I was watching a movie in bed after bed time...everything was wrong and then I let the yetzer hara in and he consumed me for a week...I was literally his slave...I guess I have to realize what I did wrong and what caused this fall...

1. I pashut don't learn enough which is a major cause for lack of consistency in this program.
2. I have not joined any real phone or in-person groups to help with the problem.
3. I have not internalized or truly followed the 12 step program.

Hopefully if I accomplish these three tasks I will improve my chances of success.

The words of chizuk from the Guard email was great...let me tell you, those words truly prevented me from a deep depression. Even while I was falling (four times in total over the week...first good day was Shabbos...which I almost planned) I did not feel depression, I felt angry at the y"h and continued to plan out how I will beat this addiction.

I know that not too many of you are reading my posts...but it feels good to speak this out anyway.

I'm so sorry for falling...I know from my email that two of you were really watching my progress...I really hope you don't learn from my bad behavior....only know that as the Guard writes...I want to be seen in the eyes of heaven as someone who gets up stronger after a series of falls...not weaker.

Thank you for reading.

Y

Yechiel, you're a hero on GYE. So many people look to you for inspiration. You'll get through this, stronger than before. And you'll go on to help many yidden one day with their own struggles.

Keep your eyes open for today's e-mail. It may contain the secret to the salvation you seek.

Truedat. You will grow with Hashem's help, and this will eventually be a good memory. Just as Tish'a b'av becomes a yomtov in geulah, our falls become light bulbs in recovery.

If that makes perfect sense to you, I pity you for being as sick as I am. 

Keep smiling.

Here and reading.  It's a great thread.  Keep up the great work!

Thank you Guard, Dov and Sci...it means a lot to me...because I do feel so lonely some times.

Y

Yechiel, thanks for sharing. I always enjoy your honest posts.

allaloneontop wrote on 27 Jun 2010 11:12:


Funny, I don't think you did ANYTHING wrong. (Well, other than those 'acts' themselves.)

As you said, we can all fall slave to the Y'H. And, a slave has no further bechira, no obligations to time-bound mitzvos, no property, no... anything.

You didn't do anything WRONG. You just didn't have the tools at hand to fight him off. Don't fret. Fix the toolbox and keep going. And please please please, without the guilt that it was YOU who did wrong. It's just that we're fighting a sneaky enemy who literally hits below the belt. Our national weakness (eg, Parshas Pinchas, Zimri).

So throw off the guilt we're all subject to wearing, and get back to work. Like HKB'H wants us to. Much love and respect!!

Dear Briut,

Thanks so much for the chizuk...it means a lot!

I'm back on, b"H!

Y