Today is my first day.

Today I will try and go on a journey to break free of this addiction once and for all.

Consistently, over and over and over again for the past 17 years I have endeavored to break free...but I was always alone. Never, ever, have I had the ability to share my feelings with others who share my addiction as well as the desire to break free.

The longest stretch I had was from the middle of Nov of this past year until some time in January. It was around 50 days and I thought I had beat it because a Rov had told me that I was free of this addiction. And then he played games with me regarding a financial issue and I lost my faith in him and thus I lost faith in what I was trying to accomplish under his guidance and I fell hard. Not as hard as I have been (prostitutes was my lowest, thank G-d I am already over a year since I last had a visit), but pretty hard. I'm hoping that the people involved in this forum will help me focus for myself and not for others. I really want true d'veikus and I know that I can't have that d'veikus without breaking free of this addiction.

I'm so scared right now...as I become more recognizable and more watched, that chas v'shalom, if someone would see me stare the way I know that I do, if a child from my community who knows and respects me well would see me do something inappropriate...ribono d'alma kula!!! What would be of my neshama???

I have asked gedolei Torah if there is teshuva from this and they have said yes but let me ask you, my new friends...as I begin this journey...is there teshuva from b'ilas zona? Will Avrohom avinu block my entrance to gan eden? If so, maybe there is no point. Maybe I am lost forever?

As tears stream down my face because of the brutally chaotic and damaging decisions I have made in my life; will this journey bring me to the true home I am looking for...a home of kedusha/tahara? A home where the Tata Avrohom will embrace me and not send me away???  :'(

Thank you for reading some of the thoughts that I reflect on this day.

I have followed the suggestions sent to me and have signed up for the 90 day chart and have also installed the k9 filter on my computer and my business partner is the admin for my computer and innocently I asked my wife to install the filter at home "for the sake of the kids". However, that's probably true because I got started early when I found my father's pornographic magazines...chalila v'chas, my children should never have to deal with this issue as I do...it's true gehinnom.

Y

P.S. I have this theory, that whenever I slip up, G-d causes some pain...something brutal...to happen to me that day. Anyone else experience that? Thanks!

Welcome aboard. Perhaps I should say, welcome home.

There are many folks on this site who are WAY more qualified to give a proper welcome and offer helpful advice. But one piece of your intro made my tears flow heavily, and I just can't help but say something....

No, dear. Tatte Avrohom is not going to send you away. He is watching, helpless, from the other side, as you begin on the most amazing chain of mitzvos you've been able to accomplish in your life. A path that brings such joy to the RBS'O and such nachas to our elterZeydies going all the way back to Avrohom. They're all cheering -- "look, RBS'O, how Your children LOVE You." Because your neshama has come down from Shamayim, gotten trapped in the shmutz of this incredible generation, and found the courage to grab onto a lifeline to GET OUT.

I don't know how we all got here. I don't know why we've got a trail of tears behind us. I don't even know how we're gonna get out. But I do know that tshuva is available, that dveikus with Hashem is available, that He has never ever left us and wants us home.

And no, you are NOT all alone, not "on top" and not nowhere.


Edit: PS: Just realized you had posted on the 'introduce yourself' board as well. Aha. Well, having reviewed that post now, also, I don't see any reason to change what I just said a few minutes earlier. It just gives a little more info for us all to digest.

Welcome.  Although this is my first time posting on GYE I have been a member of SA for seven months and have had this addiction for over 20 years from at least as early as the age of 12.  One thing I have learned on my journey is that thinking about all the terrible things that may happen to my neshama or that God does not want me near Him are among the most powerfully destructive forces that will push me ever deeper into the addiction. 

I don't know how everything in shamyim works and neither do most people alive today.  But...I made my own cheshbon that anything that moves me deeper into addiction is something that God does not want me to do and anything that moves me further out of my addiction is something God does want me to do.

I spent many years in learning and know most of the very scary things written in the sefarim related to this addiction.

I DO NOT READ THESE THINGS ANYMORE!

The Torah was given for generally healthy people.  As a practicing lust addict for over 20 years I am a very sick individual.  Perhaps God will one day give me recovery to a degree that will make the fear of shamyim a useful tool in fight lust. 

My experience is that for now I need to get recovery by filling the hole in my soul with a personal relationship with G0D.  Not a relationship based only on what I read in a sefer or heard from my Rebbi.  I need to have my OWN personal relationship with the GOD that created me and keeps me alive every minute. 

Only that GOD can keep me sober and save me from my lust.

In my experience to begin to develop that relationship with GOD I have had to have the fellowship of the members of the SA meetings I attend.  They provide me with support, love, and more sober members - a living example of what it looks like to have that relationship.

The bad news is we are powerless over lust.  The good news is GOD powerful over everything.

Hatzlacha! 

allaloneontop wrote on 11 May 2010 19:28:


I once heard an amazing thing about Tshuva. We know that Hashem created Tshuva before the world was created. And the creation of the world included the creation of time. So Tshuva is above time. When we do Tshuva, it's not that the past happened and we're now being forgiven for it. It's higher than that. We really are changing the past.

I have now listened to the schmooze from Rabbi Twerski and have signed up for all the emails. Honestly, I'm not sure what to do next except for reading and posting...I'd like to join a call...but not sure which one is right or when...any help?

Y

These are the various conferences its just not updated:

www.guardureyes.com/GUE/hotline/Group.asp

welcome!  G-d and all the people here at GYE will help!!  Keep up the good work!

I know exactly where you are....seriously...have been there....and know what you mean about the punishment.

That cant be a factor at the moment, you have to just take each day and be strong, my it will be so hard but you will and you can do it, and you will feel amazing ( and in pain) along the way. I am here for you if you want to chat...on here or gmail, i am only 80 or so days ahead so really can feel with you..it will change your life...save you money...guilt etc and iyh you will get the nachas from ur kids that you will deserve.

Keep going mate

allaloneontop wrote on 11 May 2010 19:28:

hi - and welcome

re:
P.S. I have this theory, that whenever I slip up, G-d causes some pain...something brutal...to happen to me that day. Anyone else experience that? Thanks!

I remember a few years ago - a bus blew up in Israel.
Even though this was a terrible situation - I was actually quite happy...

I did not m** that day or previous night.
I could not believe it!!!

I had been thinking that only terrible things happen if I m***

whew!!!

Briut wrote on 11 May 2010 20:20:


Well, I keep hearing Reb Dov say that sobriety does NOT necessarily lead to deveikus. Or vice versa. So he seems to taunt you that if you could have sobriety without deveikus, you should perhaps be satisfied. Or at least be satisfied with 'sobriety, for today, one day at a time,' as a focus.

Forgive me if I share my own personal 12-step-apikorsus, Reb Dov -- I don't want one without the other. I'm willing to focus on cleaning up my act se*ually, but I'm not willing to say that doing that is disconnected to my focus on deveikus.  "If I can't dance, I don't want to be part of your revolution." (Emma Goldman, feminist & socialist activist)

I WANT BOTH. PACKAGE DEAL. If you offer only sobriety, I'd consider that like Arafat taking the West Bank -- 'sure, but tomorrow I'm coming after Al Aqsa....'

Hang in there, Yechiel. You can have it all. The Big Guy Upstairs wants you to have it all.

Youch! Briut, I never said we can't have both. I want both too!!

What I said was: if you had a choice to finally get free of this stuff even without the deveikus, would you agree to that? Or would you still hold out for better - while simultaneously acting out, which is much worse!! Our track records speak for themselves. We are basically doomed.

All I am trying to do is get hold of the innocent, well-meaning folks who I believe are blinded by the light of Torah and d'veikus. I want to stick a pair of sunglasses on their noses to see that they are tenaciously holding out for gold while sitting in excrement! And this is acceptable? This is where a jew belongs? Get out of the excrement at all costs, I say! A lifestyle of acting out with lust and lying to our loved ones (and everyone else) is just no place for a Neshomaleh!

After we are out, there will be time for madreigos, on the condition that we remember that it's good enough just to be out of the excrement. Lusting after d'veikus can also be a mistake if the timing is wrong.

All this may seem silly, especially to a guy who is just struggling with occasional looking at schmutz and masturbation. But the fellow above seemed to be at the end of his rope talking about tears streming down his face, and horror with his lifestyle. I can relate to that, that's all.

Dov, Briut and Jooboy...you guys have rocked my world.

I am knee deep in excrement man...G-d, I wish it were just a little internet poking around and maturbation...that was during my teenage years...as I mentioned in my opening remarks...I'm a "closer" by nature, that means whatever I put my mind to I can succeed. Honestly, I am the guy who can walk into the bar and walk out with the girl for the night (yes, without paying...I just switched to paying because it was "safer"). That's just who I am. One of these girls called me the "Chameleon" because of my ability to be...on the one hand...this upstanding citizen who everyone knows for whatever good reason...and on the other hand this complete low life who se*ualizes everything he touches. (B"H I never got into drugs. It's pashut a miracle.)

My motivations are so great and I'd like to think that they are so pure, but I received a package in the mail one day and in the package was a lovely hand written note that read:
Dear

I hope this letter finds you well. I am enclosing for your own personal benefit a critical book for you (In the Shadows of the Net.) This may be the most important book you ever read. I hope I am not being presumptuous in telling you that you need help, and I am not sure if you even realize it. Don't ask how I found out about this. I know it is very strange to receive this type of anonymous letter, but I respect and love you very much, and see a fellow Jew in pain and using what you are using o fill in the gaps in your life. I know because I have been there. The road ahead is long and difficult; if you don't begin it, you may lost many things in this world (not to mention the next world). you may even end up, G-d forbid, losing your family.

You will find help if you look for it. I suggest you being by reading this book closely, and then speaking to Dr. David Delmonico or another expert who handles this horrible addiction.

Wishing you only brochas and hatzlocha down this difficult path,

An Anonymous Chaver"

The letter was dated October 27, 2009.

The most frighting part...as with all packages, I asked my secretary (who is frum) to open the package for me as I was on the road and read me the letters.

Unfortunately, due to my unique ability to endure pain/embarrassment, I did not react other than to read the book and create a chavrusa with a close friend. He brought me to the Rabbi I referenced in this forum and in January I thought I was clean--as he told me.

But then he slipped and I slipped harder...I didn't get up. Not for a few months...since October I had been receiving the GYE emails on a different account and something just clicked on May 10th. Something just said, jump in...do this for real...protect yourself, protect your family...actually do what's right. No more Chameleon. If one person has you figured out probably many others have also and are just embarrassed to say so.

So yes, you are correct...I would take sobriety over d'veikus...but it really is d'veikus that I am seeking. I had a couple of months during Yeshiva (after I had a serious illness) where all I did was learn/daven and be davek...I was totally sober--they were the best months of my life. I had no connection to any outside media, I never left the premises of Yeshiva...so I didn't see anything inappropriate...but day one or two home I slipped and fell. I want that time back, Briut, I want both. Badly. I'm 34; it's about time I grew up.

In terms of Avrohom. I have a very clear definition of the word "Production" for my employees. Production means money in the bank. Anything else is movement; not production. I'm very in touch with reality (which just tells me how strong this addiction is). And if, in reality, b'ilas shiksa prevents one from entering gan eden and it will be Avrohom who is tasked with preventing us; then that's life. I had choices and made the wrong ones so I have to suffer. My only question is; how do I do the teshuva before I get there. Yes, I've read chovos halevavos...but I have not internalized it...maybe it's time that I do so.

You guys are the absolute best and this is the only place in the world where I can actually be me.

It's just a shame that I can't be me with anyone knowing who I am.

Y

Dear NAAOT (N=NOT),

In my own work (I'm in my day 60-somethings on this, my second run), I'm just starting to think that I CAN have it both. Sobriety and dveikus. I'm not gonna settle for anything less, and I think it's my dveikus that brings me closer to sobriety (not the other way around; I think Dov & I differ on this; that's okay).

It sounds like you really are in tears inside. Those are the tears that will get Tatty to bring you home. To bring ANY of us home.

You can do this.

Stick around.

Keep posting.

Write if you want.

The other side is gonna be better than either of us can imagine, for both of us.

(And wait til you read my own story; you'll know I'm not just whislin' dixie when I say I've been there.)

Dear allaloneontop,

Your response was really beautiful, as is your heart. Without getting into the deveikus business, I just want to share something that's important to me. My addiction got quite nasty, and then a lot nastier before making it into recovery. It is essential for me to accept in my heart that even if I am destined for gehinnom, c"v, my concern, my joy, and my sorrow, are all in today.  I have taken and still take the 3rd step, so to the best of my ability I try to make Hashem my Employer now and place myself, my body, neshoma, future, and family in His care.

I know I am destined to die one day. Maybe I am destined for gehinom, maybe not. How will I ever be sure? Even Rabban Yochanan ben Zakai didn't know! Until then, it has become clear to me that My Best Friend forever has important uses even for a servant destined for gehinnom, and that He takes quite a bit of interest in his puny life. If His service and personal attention today is not good enough for anyone, I wish them luck.

Love,
Dov

PS. I truly believe that the lust problem we have is part and parcel of our natural but misguided yearning for d'veikus with Ultimate Power and Ultimate Goodness. I know that I want porn - not because it is dirty and "I like to be dirty" but because my heart tells me that something about it is truly beautiful and warm, and loving. I know that a good part of my heart is yearning, but is twisted. For me, Recovery is a process of learning what true beauty is. Chazal say it is Hashem. There is no coincidence that they refer to that Ultimate beauty as P'nei haSh'chinah - a feminine aspect symbolized by Chava, and later by Rochel and Leyah. I hope I am not being too weird for you here, but there are many times that I notice a pretty woman on the subway in NY and turn away asking Hashem to "help me not be distracted by that shadow of true beauty and instead come to always appreciate the real beauty that is Your Malchus and Sh'chinah haKedosha." Nu. It works.