DovinIsrael! I read the second page of your posts. I feel like I'm floating in midair when I read them. Maybe it's the formatting, or the style, or both, but whatever it is I like the trippiness. Anyway, I want to recognize you for your accomplishments. You're on your way to a 90 day road to freedom. You're participating actively in a group of wonderful yiden every day who are also trying to purify themselves. You're working so hard on your marriage and doing your part. The day will come when things will turn around and your wife will get it, at least that's my gut feeling .

And you're a genius inventor! 3 patents! That's pretty cool, man. What sugya are you working on?

Keep on trucking!

noya - THANKS for stopping by.

working on buba metzia - 1st perek...it is very in line with the patent process.

day 20

did some digging - realized it is MR R. who is triggering me.. I did not wind up searching and seekign and slipping by accident -
I was looking ..

i did the following:

- how woudl i describe mr r?
- what is my connection to him (ie why does his actions bother me)
- reminds me of a time when...

ah ha!

its too close to a situation from my past - which seems to keep sneaking up on me.
the pain is great - and when the pain is great one needs an equally powerful painkiller.

ok - so the question is...

is pain and pleasure are so connected, what happens when we learn to deal with the pain...
how do we then enjoy pleasure if there is no pain associated with it.

----

a friend (actually a old chat room , echem, buddy) suggested a facebook group...

shoudl never have looked at it.
curiosity is a big challenge for me...

ugh.

really need to be carefully...too many slips happening.

invisible mud wasps - buzzing in my head!!!
Quick get me a can of RID!!!

Dear Dov
You mentioned pain from Mr. R. reminding you of something.

If you can - would your wife be able to listen to your problem with that? Tell her of your feelings around Mr. R and what you remember!
The solace and comfort that you will feel, and the deepening of your connection is maybe what your (and all of us) are really after.
Instead of a quickie in the morning - leaving you hungry and aroused and her feeling used a bit.

We all need love from those close to us, especially in face of pain.

hi chaim -

my wife knows all about mr r(his was not a sexual situation - if was a financial one...but yet one where I felt helpless, and used, too)

she also knows that if I had the opportunity I'd wrap a wire around his neck and pull it tight - and watch his eyes bulge in his head.

i've tried to let go of Mr R... and let Hashem deal out the appropriate consequences.

he knows he lied...
he knows he stole...
he knows he cheated, and mislead Gadolim Israel...

and he knows that I know, too.

we recently moved to a new community...I see Mr R in the in teh local shul... it amazes me how he can sit there knowing he lied to Hashem gadolim...

When I see him, I get a certain pleasure out of stopping over to him and saying - HEY MR R - good to see you again...
it must realy irk him ,,, and stir up his RID ratings...

but i dont care..

part of me realizes that the judgements we pass to another is the judgement Hashem passes upon us..
woudl I want someone to remind me of my past... NO

and yet... on a different hand, Mr R reminds me of a different situation (sexual) where I did feel used, and taken advantage of.

so I'm stuck..on the one hand, I feel very angry about what he did and how he used me for his financial gain
(actually was not even me - he took advantage of a friend of mine - who I introduced him too)
and would like to wish upon him an equally nasty death...

so whats my part...

I turned the tables, and used his own game against him to lie and cheat him out of some money.
when one deals with lavan - one has to treat them like Lavan.

do i feel guilty about what I did to him?
yup.

how to make amends..
I'd love to bring him to a beis din - revela his whole story and tell the judges I want to repay the money I cheated him out of...and at the same time let the beis din know the whole story ... (and let them throw his butt out on the street.. )

ok - that is holding  grudge.

I'll have to learn how to forgive him, as wel as the one who used me sexually.

....

no immediate answers..wil work on it,

DovInIsrael wrote on 29 Apr 2010 16:48:

There is no need for immediate answers... just an immediate recognition of the need for work!  ;D

i agree.

working with dC on the fifth step...helpig others..

it was  good review, and get ready to help others

recognizing lots of work to do...but not alone.

day 21 and 22 - shabbas ...

realize i get easily angry with my wife.
if we decided to not to talk with each other - things woudl probalbly go smoother.

seems like we still have not figured out this communiation thing.

at leasst I am not alone... Shlomo Hamelech the wisest of all men, who even knew the language of the bird said he could not figure out women.

decided to stop getting angry at my wife... for everything and anything.
its like a 24 hour / 7 - hisbodidut...

Please Hashem, help me NOT to get angry at my wife at this moment...

the hardest part is when the rug gets pulled out from under me - the surprises catch me off guard.
need to learn to JUST PAUSE!

lag baOmer was ok-  with the exception of too many young ladies around the fires to look at.
trying to be more aware of alien thoughts entering my head, too - and asking Hashem to take care of these alien thoughts..

wow - and I thought my plate was full at work... I sure do pass  alot of requests on to Him...I dont feel bad, thoguh, He is the Bosss...if I cannot do the assignment by myself, I dont mind delegating it back to Him.

day ??

still hanging in there.
while GYE was down lots of stuff going on - or so it seems ... funny how i cannot remember any of it.

will try to gather my thoughts -and log something.
(anyone see my thoughts...not sure where I put them)

Hi DovinIsrael,

How you doing today?

hi Noya -

the effects of freedom are settling in... (the new settlers)

actaully feeling kinda good...and becoming more productive at work too
and creating more positive, encouraging conversation wiht my wife.

I'm liking this freedom stuff!

are you ready for the 5th step call - dont delay for too long.

dov

Day ??

slipped!

ugh!

serves me right for not keeping up with my Journaling... stopped after GYE had a virus and then never got back into it.

o - lesson  learned ..
will start up journaling again.

A virus is contagious.

When it transfers to humans it mutates into Aveiros.

:-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[

not only does A VIRUS morph into AVERIUS ...

but :

Addict evolves from DID ACT

Laziness leads to SIN SLEAZ

Eyes = Y (why) See  :o

Hi Dov I.I how are you doing today? we haven't heard from you here in a while, is everything alright? we miss your inspiring journal!