i slipped. Ok - I fell!

kind of just snuck up on me.
too confident in my abilites. Guess I needed a shake up to put me back on track.

April 11 - Homsim (dry hot desert winds - like being in a convection oven. )
whats the message - maybe I need to do a better job of watching out for the hot spots - and the hot sites.

I used to blame others - my wife, the kids, my boss, my hernia... but this time the fault was all mine.
no body else to blame except myself. Maybe that is part of the recovery - taking responsibility for ones actions.

but this time will be different - I'll need a plan.
90 days of accountability.
aware of my actions. Will log my time at work, too - to make sure I don't slip into procrastination mode.

need to eliminate a field of dandilions - tried to uproot them (via 12-step ) program.
next option is to flood the area. In this case will flood with HaShe'm's light!

Will increse my learning.
make sure I drink more water.
cut back on sugars and sweets. eat healthier.



so whats my story...actually I was working on the story... kinda.
A story of the Invisible Mud Wasps - which make their self at home in the mind of the addict - buzzing around making a person irritable and restless.

and duh, I got to a point and was not sure how I woudl react - so I went to a p** site to find out.  :o

ok - no more working on the computer late at night. I shoudl not have been on at 3 in teh morning!!

also had more than my fill of cake (choco cake) over Shabbas. No more. sugar, coffe, cola - clouds my head, too.  need veggies and more green leafy stuff.


I thought I knew so much - I ralize I now nothing. Hashem I beg YOU to show me the way - and guide me through this day!!

any advicce anyone shoudl hear from me  - if it is good assuem I was successfull in being a vessel for Hashem Light at that moment...if it was not good, assume the fault was my own arrogance.



ok - so day 1 - nice to see you agian.

as for the name of the thread... Charoset...

THere is a machlochet as to why we have charoset on teh sedar plate. If it is a mitzvah - we shoudl say a bracha over it. But we do not - we dip the marror inot the charoset -a nd then shake it off.

the question is why?

If it is to remind us of the motar used to build the bricks for pharah - what did the Mitzrim do - it was a Divine decree that the Jews shoudl be enslaved.  One opinion is the mitzrim applied TOO much hard labor - and thus we were set free, and one opinion is the work had nothhing to do with our ffreedom.

So Charoset can be a reminder of the hard work of slavery or the taste of freedom.



ilast time we had no choice - this time I choose to work hard, and I CHOOSE FREEDOM!


the name says DovInISrael, but the heart says...
charoset - in 90 short days!

Yeah!

Charoses (same thing as charoset )

Its cOol

It makes the maror a litte less bitter

I like your attitude
Of not blaming anyone for your actions

So KEEP ON TRUCKIn

And don't say...
Hmmm "what can - see while I'm dowm here?


Move on

Just stay away from the poison

Use the machine what you intended for

Yupp for money making not entertainment

Oh the heat wave

Buy thick sun glasses

Shmear the insides with charoses

Bards

Minyan's in 10 min; no time to reply; but your post hit my heart very deep; I hope you're still on a good track here even with It All.

Please PM me so I can share some add'l comments when I have a minute later today; or at least share add'l details if you're willing.

Thx.

thx bard.

thx briut

hmmm...only day 1.

seems like I've been here for much longer than that...anyone know if the WOH clock is working?
I'm sure its been more than 1 day...

dov.i.i,

you have it in you to change the world - just bring it out!

day 2 -

went out to lunch with wife..

actually went to start the process of filign bankruptcy for a business which failed many years ago -a nd we never closed the books. that was fun. NOT!

I reminded my wife how special and thoughtful "I AM"- I take her to all the best sites in the city...and at least we dont have to worry about bumping into any of our friends. NOT. LOL - we did!!

wife suggested we go out to lunch after wards. I said why waste a rotten mood on a good meal (she knew I was in a miserable mood - does not my actions caused it)

she suggested lunch anyway. she is a good sport.

day 2.

day 2 - still

as the saractic selfish feeling settle in - i realize its going to be a tough climb up

i feel selfish... just got done listening to a torah shiur ... about how its the mans role to give to his wife and get her in teh mood.

i'm tired of being the giver...i want to be selfish...

ugh!

lots to work on.

Hi DovinIsrael!

hi noya - thx for stopping by.

I've been thinking...its not natural for a man to be giving to a woman when it comes to s**.
seems to me, biologically speaking, when the man has the urge, in order to populate the species he has every reason to selfish...and take care of his needs. whats the point of going against nature - taking time out to get the woman in the mood.

but then I realized that this is EXACTLY the Torah''s point - to learn to live above nature, and rise up above our nature.

drat!

I think I just check-mated my self into a corner.

i hate when that happens.

ugh!


btw - do you know why we have  such a hard time looking at ourself in the mirror after we act out?


we might see our EGO, and this is the lastt thing the EGO wants - is to come out of hiding. and what woudl the EGO look like - well since life (and especially as reflected in a mirror) is only an illusion - we would see OGE.....


commonly pronounced - UGH!!!

day 3. started teh bankrupcy process -

at least my sarcasim and mood did nto go to waste.
city lawyers!!!

whatever!

had lunch again with wife - actually kind of nice to be able to spend extra time together.

davening this mornin g - announced to Hashem...it looks liek its just You and me, today.
so who's will shall it be today - Mine or Yours ?

decide to make a deal - He woudl set the course for the day, and I would follow.

discussed with wife all the positive things which have come out of bankruptcy so far.
worked on our shalom bayit...learned which family members we can trust and rely upon...learne dto rely upon Hashem...learned how to receive tzeddakah/chesed (B"H we are now in a better position where we can be on the giving side... and not to mention being "stuck" in erez isroel, is not such a terrible thing, actually quite nice...and who knows what effect america culture would have had on our kids if we went to america for various simchas.

learned to recognize and accept our mistakes...and accept them for what they are - whatever kapparah in shayim they were meant to be for, then so be it.

and B"H everything has worked out even better then we ever imagined - living in teh shadow of Hashem is awesome!

day 3.

still laughing ( I guess that in itself is a good sign) about when the lawyers was discussing all the various fees we could expect... when it came to the legal fees, she wanted to make sure I fully understood so she explained in english about making sure we cover the:

LIARS FEE!!! (instead of the lawyers fee )

did I understand, she asked?

Yup! Even MORE than she could imagine!
the mesage was VERY clear!

You've made my day, Dovii.

Here I've been paying for a comedy channel on the radio just to get my daily intake of laughter.

Reminds me that some things are better when you don't have to pay for them. [Hunnh? OHHH! Yucch....][ okay, I'm KIDDING. Sorry if this offended - it was meant as a comedic response.]

I'll try to stop rolling on the floor (ROTFL) now. Thanks for the pick-me-up. Sounds like you're doing great.

Hey Dov in Israel,

Keep up the good attitude. I liked your liar joke.

funny thing about the LIAR story is that it was TRUE!!!
This is exactly how she said it.

Day 4 -

lethargic. no energy or desire to get up... head too cloudy.
got up anyway. a post yesterday suggested we let Hashem carry when we feel we cannot go it alone.

Working on trust today.

went to a bris this morning - family friend.

must be a mesage in that somewhere.

ok - its a nice day outside...that is positive... maybe its starting to become  nice day in side my head too.

still procrastinating...lots to catch up on.
not sure where I want to be..or what I want to be doign in the long run.

feel like I am standing at a fork in the road...does not really matter where I wind up...so I guess it does not matter which road i take.

Starting to think which path woudl Duvid Chaim suggest?

He woudl tell me which ever path puts me on the way to D'vakas.
makes sense. Its not about the money...if its meant to be, then it will come to me. If not - it will not. Trust in Hashem. Why not pick the path which allows me time to learn, too, rather than select a project which might be nice for my EGO (ah ha!!! ) and may or not give some appreciation...ratehr lets pick the path which brings us closer to Hashem.


hmmmm...not bad. I'll havet o give it some thought.