day 5 -

BH the fog is starting to clear in my head.

took a half day at work - a friend at work brought some silkworms..the kids will love them.
hungry little buggers!

wanted to get home before they ate all the leaves.

picky little eaters, too - only mulberry leaves...where am I going to find this stuff???

when to bed early - kept waking up - feeling WOW - that was a really good sleep!

got up early -

actually the eldest girl had a bad dream - and woke me up.

we both got up early and read books...then when teh eldest boy woke up-

we all did some exercise...and read more books.

my wife must have been thinking - what is up with him...4 days of feelingmiserable and then gets up early to read and do exercise ??
whatever!

ok - hoping this is the up escalator...

day5.

day 5 - cont.

wow - I took the kids to the shuk today...looking for a certain park...

since time was short ask the first person I met where it was.
what was I thinking..

probably not thinking - that is the problem!

very attactive lady..

ok - out right WOW!

later kept thinking about the post abotu marrying a beautiful wife.
hmmm...had no interest in marrying this lady...

but other thoughts certainly popped in my head later.

had to keep turning the URGE around..
and acknowleding it:

GEE, UR < so persistent>



hope I dont slip.

day 6, 7 - shabbas

always easier cause there aint no computer around.

however it does mean that I need to be more aware of getting into arguements with my wife.

had one... in all fairness it was really her fault.
I should be more considerate and realize she has anxiety..and grew up in a emotionally disfunctional family - and suffered verbal and emotional abuse.

i know all these things.
but you what... sometimes, maybe like just once, I would like to feel like I have been the receiver of someone's consideration, rather than only the giver.

ok - I'm just venting now...

her (helige) brother's wife gave birth (in the states)
mazel tov!

big deal.
you would think her only brother, her only sibling could pick up the phone and tell his sister, rather than have his mom call...oh excuse me...I forgot he sent a generic email to at least 100 people - we should feel blessed, to be on his email list.

I asked my wife if it bothers her how he notified her of the birth.
Oh no, he is only human - we have to accept him as he is..we are not here to change anyone... blah blah blah

and yet, if I spend a few extra moments helping my daughter get ready for a test...I never hear the end of how inconsiderate I am, and I have no sense of time..l
blah blah blah

the more I do the more she reminds me how wrong I am...
Ok intellectually I know it is not about me...its an emotional trigger setting her off making her feel inadequate... but come on...its been more than 10 years!!

now that I think about it - my guess is she was so moody and distant over Shabbas specifically because of how she found out about the birth!
ok - so now my challenge, not to let this trigger me and pull me down!

hmmm...its funny, how we do things, and the timing we pick.
Why did I have to pick tonight to inquire with our CTO how he would to define my position - as adminstrative or something more...

ok, so what that I;ve been already working for marketing and engineering for more than the past 3 months...and I have my name on at least 3 patents (not bad for an adminstrator, huh? ) - what was I thinking.. did I really expect him to say anything different...did I really expect any of the other VPs to say anything on my behalf...NO!

they all made it clear that they were not going to say anything!
so why did I send the message, tonight??

simple - my wife has been triggering me...and hitting the HOT buttons that say you are a NOTHING...
and triggering those feelings of being REJECTED!!!

so I went into robot mode - and said hmmm...lets go see where else we can get some REJECTION...and feel like a NOTHING!

of course the CTO was going to agre with his VP and say the position should be administrative!
I set him up !
That is exactly what I wanted him to say!

It would have gone against every cell in my body to expect him to really look into the matter and give a compliment...
"Gee, I'm the CTO of this company...and I am so smart - I know everything! But gee, I had no idea that one of my adminstrators was helping to develop patents or us, and providing strategies for our marketing team. Gee, thanks for letting me know!"

duh!

I was feeling pretty frustrated at his answer.
and now I am feeling pretty stupid at my own actions.
but its my own fault....

I was looking for a reason to spiral out of control...

must be those invisible mud wasps in my head buzzing around...looking for some brain-honey.

i was even planning on "disappearing " from the list for awhile. YOu know - go get lost, so I can find myself.
ok- obviously that would have been the best thing for my YH...disconnect the source of my energy.

OK - I'm sticking around.
same job.
one new neice.
one day stronger.


day 7

day 8 -

this RID is really messing with my mind...
I think I need to learn how to be more pessistic at work.

maybe I'll get a mug that says: Dont bother asking....Because I DONT give a RIP!
my problem is I do care - and I do give a rip!

woudl be nice if I got some acknowledgement for it though.

funny I have to learn how to be emotionally DISCONECTED at work.
My mind is telling me - to have an affair - you'll get all the attention, affection acknowledgement I need.

ok - why, not!

I announced this morning to my wife, I thnk I need to have an affair.
and then after a brief intentional pause to draw the dramatic efect -

I announced WITH THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE>

since this is the main thing I should emotionall care about.

She was happy to hear it.
its been so long sine I've been in the flirting game .. I'll have to hone up on  my skills and learn how to develop an infatuation with The Creator.

anywas - I expect it to be much more rewarding and meanignful than the virtual chat room types

even looking forward to it - a life time affair.

day 9

lethagaric today. but different from the last one. more of a lethargy of the mind.
too tired to keep struggling.

tripped last night.
did a gogole search - not sure why.
lasst at night.
bored at work.
frustration residue left over.

I just loked through the search list - did not actualyl visit any sites.

wife spoke wiht her cousins last night - good for her. very helpful that she can start seeing others ...and giving to them. mentioned in round about way also spoke with her brother. what-ever...dont get me started...anotehr slef-centered black hole in the universe.

tried meditating this morngin before davening (if one can call davening at 10:30 davening)
tried to get in touch with mysefl ...with Hashem... where am I...where am I heading...
here is what I came up with:

I AM floating in space...freefalling...
its dark.
I AM cold..I AM scared.

I have no strenght - I feel like I cannot go on.

I dont know which way is up. I dont know where I AM...
HASHEM, where are You?
Please...PLEASE..help me!

a glimmer of light...
a gossamer thread of gold blowing in the wind.
I gather my strength, and I reach for it...

it blows away..out of reach.
and yet there is hope..
I try again.
try to reach...
try again...
reaching, stretching,.. fighting  to hold onto the thread of light..

I grab it...I hold on tight...I look up not knowing where it goes...
it does not matter much, it's the only thing I feel I have a hold on in this darkness.

I begin to gather the thread into my hand...bbut in fact I am climbing up the thread.

the thread thickens give me more hope... it becomes a rope....

frayed and edgy at first, strong and taught thereafter...

I AM not scared... I begin to climb...one hand pulls the next.. the rope hold me up...I pull and walk with with legs up the up the rope.
the rope has knots every few feet - somethign to hold onto ...
I climb some more.
I'm not out of breathe.

I am not tired.

I enjoy the climb...
the rope brings me to an escalator...I ride up... the escalator carries me...

I ge t to the top...there is a air tube...it shoots me very fast - up up up...faster and faster...

I am at the top...
I see my youngest daughter, she is 3.
smiling happy to see me.
she runs to me and hugs me - hold me tight..

she puts her head down on my shoulder; and we snuggle... she rests peacefully in my arms.

as there is nothing more peaceful than watchign a  a young child fall into sleep.

I make it to daviening...
I cry...Hashem I am all alone...I dont have the strength to go on.

I know I must must go on...

I take out my talit...hold it over my head...
I wrap it tightly around me...and it becomes a gossamer of light!


day 9

cool!

hope you're able to hold on to that light,
and if not, then may you at least be able
to find it again after loosing its sight

day 9

re:procrastination

trying a new plan.
too many ideas and projects building up.

I dont need the recognitions, appreciation or acknowledgement or rewards
(umm...actually I do, but have learned how to paint a story telling myself I really dont so ther fore I wind up not following through. )

ok - never the less, its time for a new story board.
so rather than doing them for me - I am doing them to give Hashem glory!

-Torah TImes Tables ...to teach children about Hashem in the world while teaching them the times tables
- Perspective Perplexed...left turns and Gottlieb...about seeing life as an illusion
- Stella ... the 7th Dimension...the spritual rhelm
- Teen drivers...D'vine assistance

I'll go meet with the Rebbe later today and ask for a bracha.

also decided to work in my part time on business I am interested in - if work does not want me to expand my interested for them, so be it... was my wife suggests I need to be emotinonally divorced from my work..so be it,  we will be emotionally divorced...and I will pursue other areas of interests.. like a spiritual affair with the Creator o f the world.

day 9 - continued

went to the Rebbe...feel like he was talking in circles... but it was good circles.. like someone would do becasue they loved you and wanted to give you more attention.

it was fun

I also learned for an hour in the beis medrash before hand... after a long haul finally felt like I was gaining some clarity on a gemora!

all in all I felt like I gained a lot of clarity where I need to be and what I need to be doing (and even how to do it)

BUT

I feel like I am going to slip (maybe intentionally crash ! )

journalling is great - it helps one to get in touch with them self and see things they would have other wise over looked.
but - it also give insight into others.

I realized my wife is a Dream Stealer.
she claims her words are because she is an Implementor and wants to be behind everything I do.

which might be true - these might be her intention.
she has said in the past she is not able to give encouragement (because she is too anxious about everything)

but her words basically come out as: What makes YOU think YOU can do that?!?!?

it seems to me that anythign she does not understand...or gets anxious about comes out as an attack or put down.

I wish she could hear how much I dislike when she does this - but I know she cannot.
not to mentiion the : Dont Criticize or complain about the wife thing.

I really feel like visiting some of my favorite sites...or better yet putting on my magic glasses which allowme to sail throw the internet wonderland.
maybe I'd even bump into some of my close virtual chat buddies??

they always knew just the right thing to encouragement!!
or provide reassurance.

ugh!

ok - so instead I came to GYE and decided to post.

I spent more time learning today - so I also am aware that I have a bigger YH...and have to be more on guard.

if anyone is interested in my opinion - the first option sounds infinitely more enjoyable (dont be offended Guard) - however I know that GYE is the path to true freedom and happiness.

BTW : Machshava (thought) has the same letters as B'SIMCHA...so it seems that my thoughts (and actions ) have to lead me to SIMCHA!

day 10 - yom ahatzmautz - nothign major

day 11 -  back to work. oh joy!

learn with my son last night for a little - I guess my mind is coming back to me.
tired of imploding...time to pick my self up and dust myself off, and move on.

get back on track.

earlier post about the glasses I wear.

DC says its all a matter of which glasses we wear. Too many options to remember...so I came up with following, everday I remember to:

SHOOT Forward with Caution

(Sunday) S - SELFLESS
(Monday) H - HONEST
(Tesday) OO - OTHER ORIENTED
(Wedesnday) T - TRUSTING
(Thursday) F- FEARLESS
(Friday ) C - CONSIDERATE

shabbat - I pick which glasses to wear.

and to remember to walk in teh shadow if Hashem.


onward!
Left, Right, Left...


day 11

day 12 - the YH is a sneak and a liar!

stayed late at work (a big no-no ! )

one of the women engineers was also there late.
we left at the same time - when the offices were abot to be closed.

I told her she was crazy for working so late.

while walking out of the building I was thinking..hoping she would drive by offer me a ride...
my mind started wondering well beyond thoughts of getting a ride to the bus stop...

WHOA!!!
what is going on here???

(wow! I cannot believe I was able to stop myself in mid thought and find out what was going on)

where did these thoughts come from?
how did i get here?

realized when i spoke to my wife earlier in the day - rather than push her off because i was in teh middle of something - which I usually am ( pretty funny considering how much itme I spend procrastinating.!!! ) ..rather than push her off, I told her how GREAT it was that she called! I SO MUCH ENJOY TALKING with her, blah blah blah...

all the same stuff I used to use to flirt with the otehr women before married.

it was fun to get into my wifes world - and give to her.
she loved it...

realized later - I was also craving some of that attention and appreciation...and was looking for it in my old lustiful behaviors.

whew!!!

glad I caught it.

directed everything back up to Hashem...asked Him to take over, way too much for me.
amazing how the YH runs away when Hashem is in the picture.

day 12

day 13 - thur - home with the kids.

paper mache masks.
messy but fun.

channeling my creative energies into my own projects and interests.

still working on the procrastination - but at least I feel like I am starting to regain my clarity... and direction

too much haze.
nice to be finally getting rid of it.

day 13

day 14 - eruv shabbas.

day 15 shabbas...

got hit with wife starting an arguement on the 7th day of counting.
wow - this one really surprised me... out of the blue.

after trying REALLY hard for the past two weeks to give her more attention - she announces motzei shabbat Why am I ignoring her, and pushing her away?

what?

I really lost it... and started listing all the areas where I was giving her more time and attention...and all she coudl say si WHY AM I IGNORING her!!

upcomign mikveh night or not - this was enough to push me over the edge and pull me into an arguement.
LOL - the funny thing is in the midst I kep thinking, I've come this far in my own counting...and if we dont get together for mikveh night, its going to REALLY be an uphill struggle, not to mention trying to fend off this new case of RID.

with that thought in mind (thanks, Guard!  ) I decided we should call our life-coach into the picture and come up with a resolution! Obiously we were both NOT on the same page!

ok - bottom line .. I had recently spent an hour wiht my wiffe - just talking ... giving her my full attention ... and she liked it ssooooooooo much she wanted to know why she was not getting more of it. (but because she grew up in an environment which was overly critical, she was not able to express what she realyl needed and wanted - and it came out as criticism for what I was not doing.)

I grew up in an overly critical environment - and when I here critiicsm I am very sensitive to it, and it puts me on teh defensive...

so instead of a healthy converation "I talk , you talk"- we wound up with  "I talk, You Talk...LETS FIGHT!!""

coach suggested : rather than respond right away to each other - we reflect what the other person just said, ask for clarificiation, ask question to make sure we understand if there is a problem with an activity or communication...and beware that  criticsm without some acknowlegdement of what is going RIGHT, is concisidered: Loshon Hara.

was not sure I was going to make it through the night without slipping...

asked Hashem to be my accountability partner and help me make it through the night
and I did (with His Help)

day 16

took a day an went to the park ... and did some work there.
i was actually productive.

hopefully this is a good sign - happy to see the procrasiation disappear.

ben yehuda mall - kind of difficult...amazing how parents dress their kids...or better yet, how they dont dress them them..and the teens are worse! ugh!

for some reason I still feel somewhat saractic ...
hmm....maybe its part of the recovery.

looking back - after the DC program was the most up lifting experience i felt.
the climb since falling has been a tough one - not overly difficult - but still a challenge... and the sarcastic cloud does not help either.

ok - onward.

day 17 - mon.

DC in jerusalem. did the dc call live.
DC is great!

realized cannot climb up by myself - only through the support and encouragement of others can any of us survive.

day 18 - home with kids... a bloody battle. bedtime. literally... as hte youngest fell off the bed while jumping on it - trying to get my attenion.. nose bleed.

but no rid - what ever happens is because that is the way Hashem wants it to happen

day 19 - woke up feeling very clear headed - feel like out of the haze.
its a great feeling !

maybe I'll take the rest of the afternoon off .. ok - not this time.. but its a nice thought

day 19 - still...

starting to slip.

worked on a presentation with some ...lets say very immodestly dressed (or almost dressed women)
and sent an email off to the former chat buddy.

ok - no more.
dont want to slip.

Hashem, please watch over me - and prevent me from myself!

where did these diversion come from...

perhaps from flirting with wife this morning... sometimes (ok - all the time) I wish she would just jump at my advances and run into my arms...wild passion, affection, and attention.

but it was day time, she was off to exercise class, I was off to work...it was already late.
procrastinating work to be with wife is NOT a good excuse.
it was NOT considerate of her time -, my bosses, or mine.

ugh...

ok - time to hang on tight. make sure no more close calls.

continued...

now I remember - did some extra learning this mornign after davening - actually got into the sugya and was thinking about it after wards.

gorw spiritually - one gets a bigger YH.
I knew that...why am I not being more carefully ... need to be more on gaurd... and take better care of my holy treasures.

this was a warning.