Wait, Rage, I don't come by to visit much, but even an occasional visitor can share a few words every now and then.
Let's see if I've got this straight. You've been living as a jerk in your love and your lust for many years. Yet you've got a good woman who'll think of the beer that you'll want, that she hates, and that she hates your wanting. She'll even go back out again (this is NY traffic, right?) to get it, so that you can have your beloved Mets+Bud night (I assume while she sits by herself, maybe even crying into her beer -- most women prefer the Yankees, right?).
So then the lust disorder has its way with you again. Which means it's had its way with her, too. (When you dance with the Y'H, you both lose; we all know that.)
AND YOU SEE THIS, AND YOU'RE SADDENED BECAUSE YOU LET HER DOWN AFTER SHE WAS SO GOOD (and for so long, too, I'm sure). AND AFTER THE KIDS WERE SO GOOD (sleeping soundly). AND AFTER EVERYTHING SEEMED SO GOOD (except for that missing gene that might have given you the ability to stay off the shmutz).
And viewing this whole scene left you feeling, what? Boohooing in your beer? Smugly proud at pulling another one over on her? Overwhelmed? NO!!! ... MOTIVATED ENOUGH TO TAKE A STEP YOU'VE BEEN PETRIFIED TO TAKE. TO MOVE BEYOND THE COMFORT ZONE AND LOOK FOR ANYWHERE THAT MIGHT HELP REPLACE THAT MISSING GENE CALLED SELF-CONTROL. EVEN THE MEETINGS THAT HAVE SCARED YOU SO.
You know, Rage, I'm sorry but I ain't seein' any pitiful loser in this story. I'm seeing bravery, resilience, grit, etc. In you, yes, but also in your wife because she's gonna give you some space to get better and even buy you the occasional beer. Do you know how many men have the building blocks that you've got in taking this next step? Damned near zero would be my bet.
Take a look at your own gevurah and work the h[eck] out of those Steps. I'm impressed, you lucky guy. And buy your wife a present.