P*&n feels so good...really? I mean, yes, there is a burst of pleasure, but a minute afterward, do you still feel like it's worth it? Usually, when I think about it (when i'm clear-headed), i realize that it gets blown way out of proportion, and that the advertising campaign is way better than the actual product. 

It's also a medication...and it takes time to adjust to living life without it. But once you do, you're living life for real. And that's totally worth it. it might take some time, but the healthier you get, the more you'll be able to develop real, healthy relationships. Which will leave you feeling much healthier, and much happier, overall.

zalmandovid wrote on 18 Apr 2010 14:24:

Dear Zalmanduvid,

I love you. I love reading your posts. I would love it if you'd read your own post and then ask for help with your main battle. It's not always lust, it seems. I see it as curiosity. I know what it feels like - from the inside, my friend. It feels like "If I can't check it out I'm gonna die!".... "No," you say? Then try just not checking the filter the next three times that you want to. Just don't, and see how it feels. If you are like me, then you'll say to yourself, "Of course I don't need to look; I just want to.". The next thing you know, the desire comes back again and if you are lucky, you'll say to yourself something like: "Well, if it's really no big deal, then why is it such a big deal to me not to just take this peek?! Why do I keep on trying to get that look!?". (I had one of those moments on a train, regarding the legs of the lady sitting in the aile next to mine - giving the perusal up, based on the fact that I saw it was purely lust and not really curiosity and asking hashem to take it from me....that was a watershed sobriety moment for me...I doubt I'll ever forget that ma'ayseh.)That's when I admitted to myself that I was in fact in some deep trouble and need some strong medicine. Medicine like real honesty and openness.

Hatzlocha!

ZD
Happy to see you??

It sees nothing some smart and greedy people created an industry on the backs of the most vulnerable people
And the YH is telling u hey ZD u can't live w/o this

ZD get into the drivers seat and show him who is boss
Yes u said it the best what is real

Real is dveikus
How do we attain it??

Yupp its a lot harder than a click or two

Its work work work


But..HABA LITAHERR MISAYIN OSO!! 

Hi. My name is Zalmandovid and I don't give a Sh*t about my life. I just fell hard again. I could have called out for help. I could have called out to g-d. I could have just master*** and not view sleeze. I CHOSE to fall all the way because it feels much better. If your gonna fall might as well fall all the way. If you will fall at least enjoy it to the fullest. I am messedd upo inthe head. G-d probably hates people like me. What a douchebag. I give him so many chances and he takes the stupidest choice. what a dumb human. What a yuckle. If g-d claims me inmy sleep I probably wouldn't blamehime. i ahave no self respect. I don't even know what that means probably. I am a stupid dummy. A real dumba**. I assure you of anyone on the forum I am probably THE MOST MESSED UP. Don't worry g-d you may not have to claim me in my sleep maybe I will save you the trouble. I think I am still in denial. I haven't hit bottom yet. I am a sicko. I am an arrogant self-loving faker. I am the sleeziest of the sleeze. On the outside I may look all pious, a rabbi even, but in my room when nobodys around I reveal my true self.Only g-d sees, if he exists. The problem is I think I am too dumb to be helped. My real g-d is my carnal desire. I worship my lust. I love him. He makes me feel good. The problem is I think I am too dumb to be helped. I hate g-d for that. He made me so stupid. What a jerk. i feel bad for myself every day of my life. What a lose3r. Get a life Geta life getalife getalife you stupid idiot. Stop worshiooing your pen**. I am dead.

first off Hashem loves you! second off you are not worthless or dum! If you were no one here would respond to your threads and messages or anything no one it seems besides for yourself feels that you are a lost cause! you learned a valuable lesson that you should call for help! most of the time someone is able to assist you the  best way they can! Hashem loves you and would never kill you for being addicted especially when you are trying so hard to be rid of it and deep down you know you will be rid of it! take it one day at a time! today you fell tomorrow you won't! We are all behind you just as you are behind us! it seems to me that you can only move up from here! plus you joined the accountability group which hopefully we will kick off as soon as we get one more person and that will be another positive outlet! Now tell me what the he*l is cursing at yourself and threatning yourself going to do for you as the old addage goes "there is no use in crying over spilled milk!" Now pick yourself up wipe the dust off look yourself in the mirror and say 15 times "Zalmondovid you are not worthless"! and for the sake of everyone on the forum and in your life don't give up! take it one day at a time and you will succeed! I don't know if this will help and for some reason i am not able to express myself being only limited to words but hopefully you received the general idea of what i am saying because i could go on for pages and still not express myself correctly! I hope to hear from you soon that you are on better spirits looking forward to another day!

I read your post buddy , and I cried.... party because I was looking for personal sympathy from my 2 falls today....

I realize you are going through a very difficult time and I cannot say I totally "feel" your pain since I'm not in your shoes, but I do  'feel" your pain, this battle is Hell.

I belive that my neshama was put here for one Main reason, to get rid of this middah. Hell, Im not doing my best at it but Im sure as hell better than i was 5 or 6 years ago...

We must understand that this is our duty! Hell yea its difficult its Hell! But we are here to fight and overcome, the reason being, it WILL feel so good when We both succeed ..

Have a good night, and try not to hate yourself ...

Love,

Bestrong

First of all, I love you. We all love you. And Hashem loves you more than any of us. That's right, even now.

Now that I've said that, i can say this - I seriously considered not responding to your post. Not because i don't care. But because ultimately, if you want to think poorly of yourself, I can't convince you otherwise, no matter how much I disagree with you.

But I decided that I would respond, if only to use this opportunity to tell you that yes - there are times when we all feel stupid. VERY stupid. I can guarantee that most people here have experienced the emotions you're feeling right now, after having fallen. Read the first few posts of my thread to get a feeling of how stupid I felt when I fell again and again, knowing how wrong I was.

And when you feel like that, yes, it's OK to reach out to us here - that's part of what we're here for. But start off by reminding yourself that you're still a good person, a person who DOES care. Because unless that's something you're aware of, or are willing to accept, we can't convince you of it.

But when you need support, or a reminder of why you shouldn't give up, and how great you really are, when it's hard to remember - we're here for you.

bestrong cried when he read my post. hes amazing. I cried because i was fellingbad for myself. What a loser. stop feeling bad for yourself and do something about it you loser. anyone have some arsenic?

Hey! Snap out of it, bro!

You cried - those are beautiful tears, tears cried because of something honest that you felt. Now it's time to move forward - and you can.

How many days were you clean? How many minutes? Seconds? Every second you were clean, especially during the tempting times - EVERY SECOND - you got close to hashem on an amazing level, you got rewarded on a level that even the angels cannot comprehend. Just because you fell, that hasn't disappeared.

ZD, that was beautiful, and, of course, I can't say I actually have pity for you, for I have been there by my own hand, as well.

"Chose to fall"? I seriously doubt you there. But hey - I can afford to be brutally honest with you now because with such self-loathing how could I possibly insult you? Hah.

Should ZD actually muster up all his "courage" and "strength" not to fall, I venture to ask: "would he still fall flat on his face, eventually?" Is this a negative attitude? I think not. I was convinced that I was the worst of the worst, too - but have a great life now, nonetheless. The hopelessness of finding real help was nonsense. So in my own case, the whole self-pity thing is pure BS. It's just another way we try to protect our right to keep acting out with lust - "we can't do any better cuz we suck"...it's a lie. With help, we can. On the condition that we give up insisting that we need to be the one's doing it.The folks who totally misunderstand the "I'm powerless over lust/alcohol/whatever" idea, totally miss the point and think that such an admission boils down to a "heter". Actually, it's quite the opposite, and in their hearts I believe they are just too chicken to accept that a real way out actually exists! The idea of actually saying goodbye to this crap scares the hell out of them. I know because it happenned to me. A gripping fear of missing out on finally getting my lust fulfillment was always under my skin....

So, if you really feel that badly about yourself and about "worshiping your penis", if you really are disgusted by the person you think you see in the mirror, then I'd say, "Hey - might as well give up on your ego and "self-respect" all the way (as I had to) and meet with other penis-temple drop-outs - who don't act out anymore! Actually treat yourself as "THE MOST MESSED UP" around, and get your butt to a meeting - or whatever else you believe might help. That is, unless you really can hate yourself a bit more. In that case, take your sweet time! I did!

If you really think you are worse than the rest of us on the forum, then I say forgo the ego-protection of virtuality on the forum - and go to either an SA meeting nearest you, or whatever other help your heart tells tou is out there, today. Throw away the fear and the squeamish shame that may have been holding you back from your medicine. Whatever recovery tool you are protecting yourself from, it's high time you gave up and got to it, man. How much more are you willing to take?

Love,

Dov

for some reason im not able to post long messages. this is really frustrating!!

Forget about what you are posting, just focus on what you are doing, and it'll get better.

ZD -

no matter WHAT and HOW BAD you are feeling, believe me - THERE IS A SOLUTION.

You are NOT a slave to your desires. You CAN BREAK FREE.

it takes resolve, it takes work, but there are proven methods that can give you the simple set of tools you need.

I know EXACTLY how you are feeling cuz I and Dov and everyone else HAS BEEN THERE!! DO NOT GIVE UP!!

I am VERY impressed that you have reached out from the midst of your despair, and called into DC's Group today. DO NOT HAVE ONE SECOND'S THOUGHT ABOUT COMING IN AFTER A FEW WEEKS OFF. This was the single greatest and most courageous thing you have ever done. DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED.

I'm glad I read your posts today. I'm looking forward to speaking with you. Let's DO IT!!

Hey buds,
progress update:
I am now back in Duvid Chaims daily meetings - WORKING THE STEPS
I thank Hashem for 4 days clean

Thanks for the love.
wish me luck

Your friend,
Zalmandovid

good luck!